


In love with a dream

by mimillekoishi



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, I wrote a song and the fanfic followed, and humor too, slowburn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-11
Updated: 2016-07-21
Packaged: 2018-04-03 22:49:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 63,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4117576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mimillekoishi/pseuds/mimillekoishi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke is a novice singer. Lexa is an accomplished actress. They haven't spoken to each other in ten years, but secretly watched each other's careers from afar. What if they happen to meet again ?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter one : The Den, Clarke's side

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! I have something important to say so please read this!
> 
> This story is my very first real fanfic. I started it a year ago and dropped it a few months ago. This story won't have an ending BUT its remix, WILL. I made huge progess in term of writing, so much that at some point I couldn't continue this story. But I owed an ending to my readers so I took the huge decision to rewrite this story. It is called "In Love With A Dream 2.0" and you can find it here : http://archiveofourown.org/works/7531438/chapters/17122081
> 
> If you still want to read this first try, go ahead haha but you won't miss anything as the story is the same in better ;)  
> Thanks for reading guys <3

_Alone in my bed I’m waiting_

_For you to call in the morning_

_But then I cry and realize_

_That all I’ll get is the sunrise_

_Forever here and yet so far_

_You are like all the other stars_

_You are concrete yet fantasy_

_This paradox is agony_

 

“Clarke” The girl grabbed her friend’s shoulders, shaking it hard “Clarke wake up !”

The blond answered with a groan.

“Clarke, remember what day we are ?”

Clarke, sitting at her desk, stayed silent for a minute and then lifted her head from her crossed arms and exclaimed “No way ! It’s today !? Oh my god ! What are we waiting for !”

“For YOU thickhead ! You have ten minutes to prepare. I’ll wait in the car with the others ! Hurry Princess !”

Octavia left Clarke’s room to head back to her Brother’s car.

“Hey, O ! We heard loud noises and screaming. Did you break her leg to wake her up again ?” asked Bellamy on a joking tone.

Octavia answered with the palm of her right hand glued to her forehead “No broken leg this time. And the noises and scream you heard were probably me trying to reach Clarke. It’s a miracle I didn’t break my own legs. Her room is a total mess”

“But it was clean two days ago” questioned Jasper with a frown.

“Well now it’s so messy we can’t see the floor !”

“Speaking of the devil” Added Monty.

“Hey guys, sorry for the wait”

“No more time to waste Princess, jump in and buckle up or I’ll go without you”

“Ok, ok Bell I’m coming” Clarke sat in the car, at her usual spot, on the passenger seat next to Bellamy. Octavia was between Jasper and Monty behind them. “Where’s Raven ?”

“She’ll join us at the studio”

“What if the mail isn’t in the box when we arrive ? What if it’s a no ?”

“Hey guys we should have taken her to the studio ASLEEP”

“Yes maybe” Jasper agreed with Octavia. Even the usually “on-Clarke’s-side” Monty was nodding.

“If it’s silence you want, then you’ll have it !” With an exasperated sigh Clarke crossed her arms and turned her head to look at the landscape she already knew so well.

“Clarke, is that your new lyrics I can read on your cheek ?”

“What !?” Panicked, the blond turned the rear-view mirror to her and checked her cheek. “Bellamy ! You Jerk !”

“Hey it’s dangerous to hit the driver and turn his rear-view mirror like that !”

“Say, O. remember this time when Clarke came out of her room with an entire page of lyrics printed on her thigh ?” said Jasper with a smirk.

“Yes ! And the chorus was on her forearm !”

“And she had the title tattooed on her right cheek ! Remember it guys ?” asked Bellamy

His sister and the other boys answered at the same time “I’m a mess !”

Clarke rolled her eyes and smiled “You know I’m bad at picking titles”

“Oh I find it pretty accurate”

“Shut up Jasper !” Clarke faked a pout for a minute before laughing with her friends. They joined Raven waiting for them in front of the studio ten minutes later.

“Seriously I’ve been waiting for an eternity ! What were you doing !?”

“Ask the princess, Rav. Not me” answered Octavia, following Jasper out of the car.

“Hey, I spent my last three nights searching for new lyrics and music for our next audition, you should be grateful !”

“Stop bragging and open this door blondie my ass literally froze waiting for you ! ” The brunette had had indeed, all the time in the world to curse her friends a million times for making her wait in a car without air con in the middle of winter.

The blond obeyed with a roll of her eyes. Raven, Clarke, Octavia and Jasper tossed their coats on the nearest chair and ran to the desk to switch on the computer. Bellamy and Monty were picking up the other’s coats and putting them on the coat rack as usual.

“Bellamy why isn’t it working !?” Clarke was really... energetic this morning.

“If the computer is not plugged in it won’t work you know that right ? Seriously coming from O. and Clarke I’m not surprised but, Raven and Jasper... I’m disappointed…” said the self-proclaimed manager with a smirk, still arranging the coats with Monty “And I already know your middle finger is magnificent so no need to show it to me again, and because I know it will come, it’s the same for your tongue”

With an exasperated sigh, Raven ignored the boy and sat on the desk next to the computer.

“So ? Mail received ?”

“Hush Raven ! It’s loading !”

“Hey, Geeky and Big bro stop being perfect mommies and get your asses over here !”

They were six around the computer when the mail’s title appeared on the screen.

“What are you waiting for Clarke, click on It !” hurried Jasper.

“Ok, ok I’m opening it ! Ready ?”

 

*CLICK*

 

 They spent the next five minutes reading and rereading the mail. Then Clarke, tears in her eyes and sob bubbling up in her voice, broke the religious silence “Guys… we did it… we actually DID IT !”

“Holy shit…” Octavia mouthed what the others were thinking, like always.

Followed a session of hugs and tears of joy and screamed swearwords.

“Move your ass from my chair Clarke, I need to plan your next audition !”

“I can’t believe we’re in fourth position among the five finalists…”

“Yes we are princess !” said Raven hitting Clarke’s shoulder “Now let our “momnager” work  please”

Clarke stood from Bellamy’s chair just to go collapse on the couch “I’m so happy !”

Monty, a little excited “We all are”

“Hey Princess, what’s our next song ? The one you promised us ! Show it !” commanded the younger Blake sibling.

Clarke, legs still trembling, went to her coat, took a ball of paper out of one of her pockets and threw it to Raven “Seriously Clarke, even *I* am not so messy and disrespectful towards my things and creations…”

“Shut up and read the sheets”

Clarke was standing in a corner of the room waiting for her friend to tell her what they thought about her three-days-and-night-in-a-row work.

Then Octavia released a huge sigh “Again ? Clarke you haven’t talk in TEN FUCKING YEARS forget about her already !”

“But I can’t ! I tried again and again but I can’t… I NEED to let it out and songs are perfect for that !”

“Bro please tell her that writing songs about her is just a way to reopen her wounds !”

“I don’t know a thing about female internal thoughts system functioning but I think it’s good. Plus, Clarke’s best and most popular songs are those talking about her. No problem with this new song with me. See her as Clarke’s muse and go with it”

“O. this song is good. Really good. I can already see what I can do with it”

“Thanks Mont’ and Bell !” Clarke could always count on her substitution moms’ support.

With another sigh and a head shake Octavia capitulated “Ok but it’s the last time. And just because it IS in fact, a good song” At that Clarke jumped on her best friend, hugging her tightly.

“Thanks O. I love you” they hugged for a minute before a slightly embarrassed Octavia broke the embrace, leaning her hands on Clarke shoulders “So ! Let’s get to work girl !”

Jasper the “master of the chorus arrangements” talked, his motivation growing with each syllable “Why not starting with the chorus ? What were the lyrics again ?”

Clarke, excited again answered as fast as her mouth permitted her “Oh it hurts, ‘cause every time I call your name, I wish that you could do the same, I know that you’re real but it seems, That I am in love with a dream”

“Oh let me tell you, this one’s gonna be a hit !”

“Well said Jasper, high five” answered Raven, raising a hand.

 

They started working. The audition was in two weeks, no time to waste. It was two pm when Bellamy came back with pizzas and beers.

“Lunch time guys !”

“Big bro you’re the best !”

“Can I kiss you ?”

“Yes little sis, I know. And no thanks Jasper” Bellamy waited for his friends to free the table of all the papers on it before putting down the pizzas and beers. Each grabbed a beer and a piece of pizza.

“Cheers !”

 

At five pm Bellamy had packed their instruments in his car. They were all waiting at the parking.

“I know that you always insist on playing with your own instruments but it’s still a pain in the ass for me to deal with it” Bellamy had become a champion at “putting-instrument-inside-a-car” tetris. He always had to make Jasper’s battery, Monty’s synthesizer, Raven’s bass, Octavia’s guitar and even Clarke’s favourite Mic fit in his car. Family car but still. “Don’t forget you have to be at the bar at eight. Be ready and properly showered and dressed please”

“Yes mom !” the girls answered in unison.

Bellamy rolled his eyes, jumped in his car “Don’t forget, eight. Don’t be late !” he waved to them one last time before driving away.

“Clarke in my car. O, boys, I’ll come pick you up at seven and half”

Monty and Jasper were roommates and lived two streets away from their studio. Raven lived with Clarke (well, live was a big word because she spent most of her nights at her boyfriend’s apartment), twenty minutes away by car. Octavia and her brother lived in the apartment upstairs their studio.

They quickly said their goodbyes before heading to their respective homes and, more importantly : closets.

 

* * *

 

 

Bellamy was calling on Clarke’s phone for the fifth time when his sister & co entered the bar screaming “We’re back bitches !” Some regular customers clapped their hands and Octavia bowed her head, a hand on her heart “Thank you, thank you !”

“You’re late.”

Raven was the first to answer “Oh please mommy, it’s eight. We’re in time”

With a huge sigh Bellamy headed behind the scenes, followed by his punk-rock little band. In backstage they tossed their coats all around the place again and Bellamy was really starting to lose his legendary patience.

Finally ready, they all took their usual places on the scene. Jasper in the back on the left, was wearing a red, lose and torn tank top, black pants with chains and nails, and black unlaced bovver boots. He also had his now famous enormous steampunk goggles around his neck. Monty next to him was more discreet. He was just wearing a simple short sleeved white T-shirt with the Japanese kanji for “strength” printed in red on his back, with torn black jeans and black boots. Raven at the front on the left had her hair tied in a high and tight ponytail. She was wearing a grey torn long hoodie without sleeves with its zipper open, letting her red sport bra and raven pendant show. She also had black essential denim shorts with dark red strapped leather boots. Octavia at the front on the right was wearing thick leather black boots with heels and platform sole. She had black low-waisted pair of nailed shorts with torn tights. She also decided to wear the short tank top her brother hated just because she discovered Bellamy hid it under his bed (because he was the “protective” kind of brother that doesn’t really appreciate when his sister was showing her belly to hundreds of unknown people).

And there was Clarke. In the centre of course. Her hair was wild and her eyes were encircled by dark make-up highlighting her blue eyes. A black simple ribbon was sticking to her neck. She was wearing a dark grey jean jacket with its sleeves rolled-up to her elbows. Under it she had a dark red leopard translucent tank top. She was wearing her favourite jeans : dark and tight and torn and worn out but still cool. And of course her good-luck charm, her bloody red Doc Martens.

The Den was an old small concert hall, reorganized in a bar-like kind of place. There was the bar on one side, the scene was at the back and the space left was occupied by chairs and tables. Only fifty places but always occupied on Saturday nights.

Echo, the bartender and the owner of The Den was welcoming one or two different bands every nights. Her goal was to promote young artists while doing some benefits. Anyway, Saturday nights were the Arkers’ nights. They started playing in this place two years ago and now they were on the verge of releasing their first album. Well if they won their next audition of course.

Every member was in place and Bellamy had joined Echo at the bar.

“Red, black and white huh ?”

“It seems”

“Did you do something to piss Octavia off again ?”

“Hid her horribly too short T-shirt under my bed”

“Oh. Explains a lot of things”

With a sigh Bellamy took the first sip of his whiskey. And he heard Clarke say her usual “Good night everyone hope you’ll enjoy the show !” before finally starting playing.

“Oh, Rolling Stones tonight. Good”

“Yeah. “Start me up” was my idea”

“Oh please don’t brag ! You’re not a kid anymore. Be a good mom and let them their glory !”

“I am not their mom, I’m a manager” defended Bellamy with a smile.

“You sure you don’t miss it ?” asked Echo, concerned.

“What ? Playing ? Of course I miss it. But when I look at her, when I look at how happy they are, it feels good and that’s all I need” Bellamy answered with one of his “charming smirks” that made Echo’s cheeks flush easily.

“Huh ! One day she won’t need you anymore and you’ll end up crying at my bar !”

“Ha ! Probably !”

Echo went to the other side of the bar to serve another customer. An unknown figure entered the bar. The woman was wearing a long black coat, black pants and heels, white scarf, a black beanie and huge sunglasses. She sat next to Bellamy and ordered a Dirty Martini.

Bellamy waited for the next song to start to finally talk “Why are you here ? ”

“Like any customer, I wanted a drink”

“Bullshit. I know you’re following her. But it’s usually one of your minions. Why is it you today ?”

“You’re well informed” she paused, searching for her words “I came because I wanted to and I had time for once”

“Are you gonna talk to her ? “

“I’m here to watch”

“Coward”

“It’s been ten years. She forgot”

“Huh” Bellamy answered with an annoyed, exasperated huff, a smirk never leaving his face “I shouldn’t tell you that but… In two weeks, here. They have an audition. If they win they’ll be able to release their first album”

The woman smiled “It’s wonderful”

“Come”

“What ?” she turned fully to face Bellamy, frowning.

“The audition. If you don’t I won’t let you or your minions approach her ever again”

“I have a really precise schedule, I don’t know if-“

“Just come Lexa” His tone was cold.

The woman turned to her glass again, staring at it. A minute later she finished her drink, wrote something on a napkin and exited the bar, letting Bellamy alone, a smirk on his face.

Echo interrupted Bellamy’s stream of thoughts “Who was that ?”

“Her”

“Her as in like, “Clarke’s her” ?”

“Yep !”

“Oh… So she does exist after all”

“Yes and it’s probably the beginning of big problems for me”

“You’ll let her see Clarke ?”

“I don’t know. But I want her to see what she did to Clarke. I want to see her face full of regret in two weeks. I want to see her beg for me to let her talk to Clarke. I want her to cry her eyes out and seek out redemption”

“If I didn’t know you, I’d think you’re a freaky sadist”

“Maybe I AM a freaky sadist”

Echo faked a laugh “Of course mommy !” He gently punched her shoulder and they laughed together for a moment. Then both of them turned to look at Clarke, now singing her remake of “Knocking on heaven’s door”. “What makes you think she regrets ?”

“She was there tonight”


	2. Chapter one : The Den, Lexa's side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the second chapter ! (a little late sorry)
> 
> Please enjoy !

_« Yu Gonplei ste odon »_

Lexa was staring at her wall. She was supposed to pick one of the two poster prototypes for her new movie. She didn’t know why but she felt odd that morning. Something was odd. It was Sunday, nine in the morning and she was just sitting on her bed looking at two big photos of her. Her mind was blank. She wasn’t thinking about anything at all. Ymir dragged her out of her thoughts with a husky meow.

“What ? You have something to tell me ? Go ahead I’m listening”

The cat sat on the floor in the exact middle of the door frame. Another meow. Accompanied by a piercing gaze.

“No need to look at me like that. I’m not going” the cat kept staring at her and they engaged in one of their now legendary “staring competition”. And as usual, Ymir won “Fine ! I’ll go if I have time ! Now I have to move. I’m supposed to meet Lincoln at ten and I’m not ready”

 Lexa wasn’t really what you could call a talkative person. But she always felt like Ymir could see right through her and she hated that. So she always ended up talking and justifying herself out loud to her cat. And Ymir seemed to like it. A lot. People were usually saying things like “This cat is scary” or “I think your cat is just a sadist” and it was probably true. But Lexa still loved her. Her, with her beautiful encircled with black hazelnut eyes, her sumptuous spotted fur, her delicate and elegant features and her really big but really cute ears. A real first generation savannah. As much as people were badmouthing Ymir, they usually ended up doing the same with Lexa : “You’re spoiling her”, “You’re such a mommy” or “It’s just a cat you know ?” But the woman didn’t care. Ymir was the only one following her everywhere, accepting every hotel or apartment without trouble. She was the only one with enough time to love her even when she spent almost 100% of her time outside, working.

Ymir disappeared in the living room, proud. Lexa sighed and headed to her bathroom. She took a way too long shower before picking a classic dark jean and a tight black shirt. She put on some make up. Well “some” might not be the word. Between her eyeliner and mascara, according to her big sister, she looked like Zorro, according to Indra, a warrior (Indra had weird references), according to Lincoln, a raccoon and according to the rest of the world : a really intimidating and beautiful woman. She looked at herself in the mirror, slightly proud of herself. Then she put on her favorite heeled boots (she will never admit it but she’s kinda small so she had a little height complex) and her insanely long and impressive favorite black coat. Closed tight on her waist and lose on her legs, so loose that it almost looked like a cloak. Black thin leather gloves, black beanie, white fluffy scarf and sunglasses and she’s ready to go out. And she’s running late.

She exited her apartment and jumped in her car, drove for twenty minutes, parked her car and entered “The Warrior Family”, her favorite coffee shop.

“Hey if it isn’t my late little sis’ !”

“Please Anya not today”

“First day off in forever and you’re in a bad mood ? Good for you” said Anya with a mischievous smile. Lexa answered with an exasperated sigh and a shake of her head. She noticed Lincoln in a corner.

“You’re late” He said without even turning her head to look at her.

“Obviously”

“Right. Sit please”

“Thank you. Find your new band yet ?”

“No not yet. Beautiful voices and good musicians are easy to find but I need something more”

Lexa rested her elbows on the table and leaned her chin on her hands, thinking.

“Lexa ?”

“I may have a band for you”

“Really ?”

“Yes. Can I give them your address and phone number ?”

“Of course. You won’t tell me who it is ?”

“You’ll see”

Lincoln sighed. “You’re in a bad mood. What happened ?”

“Nothing. Precisely nothing. Or maybe. I lost against Ymir again”

“This cat is impressive. Maybe your only weakness”

“I wish” Lexa sighed, a hand on her forehead in exhaustion and exasperation.

Lincoln hesitated a little before talking “How do you feel ? Coming back here ?”

“Nostalgic. Melancholic maybe. But most of all sick. I want to finish this movie as soon as possible and get the hell out of here”

“You used to love this town”

“I know too many people here”

“You’re planning on avoiding every old acquaintances of yours for the rest of your life ? Watching from afar ?” She didn’t answered. “You’re a coward and a liar Lexa” he waited for his words to sink in her little cousin’s thickhead when a well-known high pitched voice penetrated his ears.

“Auntie !”

Lexa’s face lightened “Hey Miya ! Look at you ! You grew up again !” A cute 5 years old girl had just ran to Lexa’s knees, extending her arms waiting for Lexa to lift her up. The smiling woman did and sat the little girl on her lap, taking her glasses off. “No school today ?” The little girl shook her head “Where’s your brother ?”

“He’s changing clothes. He was painting” The little girl made a sad face and asked in a timid voice “You here for my birthday next week ?”

“Yes. I’m coming ! Are you happy ?” asked Lexa, kissing Miya’s nose.

“Yes !” answered the little girl in a chuckle, smiling and hugging her beloved “auntie”.

“Auntie”

“If it isn’t my grown up nephew ! Come here”

Miya was the exact replica of Lexa when she was young. Brown wild hair, delicate features and strong personality. On another hand Liyam looked like his father. Except his eyes. He had her mother’s hazelnut eyes.

Liyam approached and Lexa slid a hand on the nape of his neck, making him bow low enough for her to gently kiss his forehead. The boy offered her one of his most beautiful smiles.

“You’re twelve now right ? Tell me about you. How’s school ?”

Liyam sat at the table and started talking. From the corner of her eye, the owner of the coffee shop was looking at her happy family in delight, a gentle smile on her face.

 

 

Lexa left the coffee shop around noon. She had a meeting with Indra and she didn’t want to piss her off by being late. Reuniting with her family calmed her but she was still feeling weird. She was definitely not in the mood for a fight with her manager. She was supposed to join Indra in a restaurant but, because it was, undoubtedly, a really bad day, the parking in front of it was full. She had to turn around for ten minutes before finally finding a lot three streets away from her initial goal.

 

“You’re late” At that Lexa clenched her fists.

_It’s going to be a very long lunch…_

“Obviously. I had some trouble parking my car”

“Sunglasses and beanie ?”

“Indra, nobody’s going to attack me and you know I can defend myself”

“What if somebody recognizes you ?”

Lexa sighed “Then I’ll sign some autographs. The worst that could happen is a poor paper cut”

“You always do whatever you want anyway. Don’t even know why I’m still trying to give you advice”

“Please Indra not today. You know I need you. Now can we start talking business ? Because I’m nervously exhausted and want to go home as soon as I can”

The waitress came to take their orders and then, her mission accomplished, returned to the kitchen.

“So. My schedule for the next week ?”

“I emailed it this morning”

“You know I don’t like technology” Indra seemed desperate. Working for Lexa was exhausting. A great honor but exhausting.

“I know. That’s why I printed it just in case”

“You should’ve started with that”

“Monday you have two interviews. One in the morning for the local newspaper and one in the afternoon for the regional channel. Tuesday afternoon you have a photoshoot for next month Shumway magazine. You’re starting shooting Wednesday and then every day until Sunday”

“I’m free next Sunday too then ?”

“Yes. It’s Miya’s birthday right ?”

“Yes. She’s turning six”

“You met them earlier right ? How were they ?”

“They seemed happy. Miya is as sparkling as ever. Liyam is talkative but calm and mature. But I think he misses his father”

Silence fell between the two women.

“For whom was the carbonara ?” Lexa left her right hand. The waitress put down Lexa and Indra’s plates before starring at Lexa.

“A problem miss ?” asked Lexa with a smile.

The girl, visibly startled, blushed “No ! Nothing ! Enjoy your meal !”  and she disappeared in the kitchen again.

“She know who you are”

“Whatever. Not important”

“Carbonara again ?”

“Because I love it. And this restaurant’s carbonara used to be the best on earth. I came here a lot as a teenager. And you, why always eating meat ? You know it’s bad for your health ?”

“Who cares what I eat. You’re the star”

“I care”

Indra huffed with a small smile. “Wednesday in two weeks. I cleared your schedule”

“Thank you”

“Offer Anya and the kids my condolences”

“Why not coming with me ?”

“No. I have work to do”

“As you wish”

They spent the rest of their meal talking about work. Then the waitress came back.

“Would you like some dessert ?”

“No thank you, just two black coffee please” said Lexa, smiling again, a trick she had learnt long ago.

“I’ll be right back”

Indeed the girl came back five minutes later with their coffee.

“Um… Miss ? Are you by any chance… Lexa Wilde ?”

Lexa smiled “Yes I am. What’s your name ?”

The waitress’s face turned red and her voice started trembling “E-Emily”

“That’s a beautiful name” said Lexa with a charming smile. Indra rolled her eyes. “Can you give me the bill please ?”

“Y-yes ! Of course ! Wait a minute !” Emily gave the bill to Lexa. The actress paid and smiled to the girl again.

“I-I love your work. I think you’re very talented and I’m a big fan of yours !”

“Thank you” said Lexa with a nod.

“I wish you a good afternoon then and we’d be happy to see you in our restaurant again !”

“Maybe if I have time. Good afternoon to you too” Emily bowed and literally ran to the kitchen.

Lexa took a sip of her coffee “She was nice”

Indra sighed “That’s why I don’t like these small restaurants. You can’t be alone”

“Don’t be mean” Lexa pulled a paper towel from the dispenser and a pencil from one of her pockets. She wrote “From Lexa Wilde to Emily” and signed the towel.

“You’re too kind”

“She was nice with us so I’m thanking her”

“Whatever” Indra drank her coffee and stood “I’m going. See you Monday”

“See you”

Lexa took five more minutes to finish her coffee. She was on the pavement when Emily got out of the restaurant, the towel in her hands.

“Thank you ! Thank you very much !”

“It was a pleasure”

_Maybe it’s not such a bad day after all._

The girl bowed again and Lexa turned on her heels, already trying to remember where her car was parked. Lexa didn’t feel like going back home yet. She stopped to a park, sat on what used to be her favorite bench and watched. She looked at the birds, the people with kids and dogs and lovers. She looked at the lake. She remembered a lot more things that she wanted to. She suddenly felt sick.

_I know too many people and places here…_

She stood and looked at her watch. Already four pm.

_Time to go home._

On the way home she bought what she needed for dinner and some expensive fresh salmon for Ymir in a fish shop oddly named Morgan.

 

_I’m not spoiling her. I happened to pass by a fish shop and thought about her and remembered she liked it so I bought it. That’s all._

It was a lie of course but like Anya would say : “What makes you sleep at night”

When she came back home it was five pm.

“Ymir, guess who bought you salmon for dinner ?” Ymir jumped on the counter to sniff the bag with the salmon. “No. Not so fast young lady. It’s not dinner yet so wait” The cat returned to the ground without a look for Lexa. She jumped on the couch and curled up, letting just enough space for her mistress to sit next to her. Lexa rolled her eyes, put the fish in the refrigerator, sat on the couch next to Ymir and turned on the TV. Spending time with Lexa was Ymir’s way to say “thank you”. Lexa started petting her gently, making the cat purr in delight. The woman smiled and turned her attention back on the TV. And she saw Lexa Wilde, in an interview. And she didn’t recognized herself. Acting had always been her dream but she was forced to act all the time. She hated Lexa Wilde. If interviews and public appearances weren’t an obligation she’d avoid it as much as she could. She loved her fans of course. And she was always honest with them. But she didn’t like being treated like a merchandize in the commercial system of cinema. She changed the channel and watched a documentary about African felines.

“See Ymir ? Your ancestor !” The cat nonchalantly looked at the screen, yawned and closed her eyes again. “Don’t brag. I know you’re pretty too”

She watched TV until eight. She cooked some pastas, and the salmon she shared with Ymir. Her plate finished she put some water to boil and prepared her cup and her last tea bag on the counter. She washed her dishes and noticed Ymir on the counter behind her, piercing her with her intense gaze.

“I’m not going” Lexa finished her task and turned to look her cat in the eyes. They stayed like that for five long minutes when Lexa started to waver “I’m not going” In an instant Ymir grabbed the tea bag in her mouth and rushed to Lexa’s room. “Hey ! Give it back it’s the last one !”

She followed Ymir into the room just to find her calmly sitting on a cardboard box. “I know what you’re trying to say but no” they entered a new staring contest and as usual “FINE ! I’m going ! Happy now !?” she finally agreed, raising her arms in defeat. She dressed the same way she did in the morning and exited her room. Ymir still sitting on the box was smiling one of her well known devilish cat smiles.

 

She was finally here. In front of The Den. She had just spent twenty minutes sitting in her car, trying to find the courage she needed to enter the bar. Ten other minutes passed and then “Fuck it !” she jumped out of her car, and crossed the street almost eagerly. But in front of the door she stopped. She heard music. Rock. And a voice she used to know. Husky, warm, comforting. The voice of her ghost.

_I can’t !_

She turned around, ready to leave when she recognized a bunch of old classmates. Without giving it a second thought, she entered the bar. The first thing she noticed was of course the young singer. Then she saw someone else and tried to compose herself. She sat next to Bellamy and ordered a Dirty Martini. Her heart was beating unbearably fast. 

Bellamy waited for the next song to start to finally talk “Why are you here ? ”

Lexa barely trusted her voice but she answered anyway “Like any customer, I wanted a drink”

“Bullshit. I know you’re following her. But it’s usually one of your minions. Why is it you today ?”

She swallowed. It was true. She usually asked her assistants or friends to come to the Arker’s concerts. She asked them to record their concerts being as discreet as possible. “You’re well informed” she paused, searching for her words “I came because I wanted to and I had time for once”

“Are you gonna talk to her ? “

“I’m here to watch”

“Coward” Lincoln’s words echoed in her head, sending a shiver down her spine.

“It’s been ten years. She forgot”

“Huh” Bellamy answered in an annoyed, exasperated sigh, a smirk never leaving his face “I shouldn’t tell you that but… In two weeks, here. They have an audition. If they win they’ll be able to release their first album”

Lexa smiled gently, truly happy “It’s wonderful”

“Come”

“What ?” she turned fully to face Bellamy, frowning. One reunion in ten years was nearly killing her so a second one in the same month ? Impossible.

“The audition. If you don’t I won’t let you or your minions approach her ever again”

“I have a really precise schedule, I don’t know if-“

“Just come Lexa” His tone was cold.

The woman turned to her glass again, staring at it. A minute later she finished her drink, wrote something on a napkin : If you want help, call this guy : Manager Lincoln Wilde. She hesitated a little before adding a phone number and mail address under Lincoln’s. A note specified “mine”.

 She exited the bar, letting Bellamy alone, a smirk on his face.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ? What do you think of this intro ? I plan on alternating both sides for some time. Tell me if you'd prefer one chapter Clarke one chapter Lexa or both Clarke and Lexa's sides in the same chapter.
> 
> Like always, hope you liked it and thank you for reading !


	3. Chapter two : Breakdown, Clarke's side

_Forever haunted by your arms_

_That I have dreamed so many times_

_I imagine you by my side_

_We walk in town and I’m your guide_

_It’s my world and I want you in_

_The same sun shining on our skins_

 

“God it was good tonight !” said Clarke collapsing on her couch.

Raven was standing at the entrance of their apartment, struggling to remove her coat “What time is it ?”

Clarke lifted her head to look at the analogic clock of their micro-waves “1 AM” she squinted “and a half” and left her head fall on the couch’s armrest again. “Hey Christa, my sweetheart how are you !” she said as her rag doll cat jumped on her belly, searching for caresses and attention and… and food of course. “Come on baby, momma’s gonna feed you !”

“Still don’t understand how this cat manages to deal with your sickening overwhelming affection” said Raven entering her room.

“She loves me !”

“What makes you sleep at night honey !”

“Ok well, wish you a bad night then !” screamed Clarke from the kitchen as Raven was closing the door of her room. Clarke heard a small “Love you too princess” before a big and muffled sound. The blond wasn’t surprised. It was her friend’s habit: collapsing (literally) on her bed when she was really sleepy. Clarke poured some cat food in Christa’s plate before heading to her own room. She managed to find her bed under a ton of torn and crumpled paper. She lifted her covers twice to remove the papers from her bed before undressing and slipping into her bed.

 

“Clarke, I’m going out for lunch ! Bye !”

 _Why is she ALWAYS doing THIS !_ Clarke thought as she was jerked out of sleep by her friend’s announcement. It was Raven’s game to wake her friend in the worst ways possible. Today she chose the : “scream and slam the door without notice” option. The blond looked at her phone on her bed side table (which was also covered in paper) : 1pm.

“Meow” A mewing and purring Christa jumped on Clarke’s belly and started to lick her forehead and nose as usual. Clarke always wondered if it was a “cat thing” or if it was just a “Christa thing”. Or if her nose and forehead tasted good when she woke up.

“Yeah I know baby, time to get up !” Clarke stood up, put on some pajamas, headed to the kitchen, fed Christa again (It’s impressive how much such little beings could eat without taking on weight even when they slept all day), poured herself some coffee in her favorite “deer” mug and turned the TV on. The news were talking about Lexa Wilde’s new role.

“Tonight we’ll have the pleasure to welcome Mrs Wilde in our evening edition for her first interview regarding this movie so, don’t miss it !”

The blond quickly put her mug on the counter, and rushed to her room. Inside her “nest” she fell. Three times. The distance separating the door from Clarke’s “secret box” was about four meters and half. And she still managed to fall three times. The first time was just behind the door, her foot got stuck in one of her favorite T-shirt. She fell, swore, got up and started running again. The second time was in the middle of her room, she slipped on some papers and fell on her butt. Of course she swore this time too. Then she got up, rubbing her throbbing bottom, and tried to reach her box again but this time; walking. The third time was Christa’s fault. She probably just wanted to play when she grabbed her master’s pants but Clarke still ended on the ground, scratching one of her knees on a pen. And swearing.  

“You let some people collect stamps, or coins or UNDERWEARS, but *I* can’t collect Lexa’s interviews !? Screw you Universe !” she said in an exasperated tone, looking at her ceiling.

Then Clarke crawled and finally reached her box. Well, it was more like a chest. It was big : length about one meter, width : forty centimeters and height : fifty centimeters. On it was written “Clarke’s treasure chest. No opening. No peeping. Even you Octavia. Especially you mom” Clarke had had this box since she was three. It had been her toy box during all her childhood. Then she had grown up and replaced her toys by important belongings. Now the box contained her old (one-eyed and disemboweled) teddy bear, her first songs and recordings, some old photos of her childhood with the Blake siblings, and her complete collection of Lexa’s pictures and video of these past ten years. Clarke was a “fan” of Lexa. She had three albums filled with journal articles or photos from magazines, showing how talented and beautiful Lexa was. She also had tons of photos and videos on her almost full 64Go USB key. She had bought all movies or series in which Lexa had played on DVD and Blu-ray edition. And of course she had a whole collection of recorded TV interviews.

“I was sure I had a blank DVD somewhere… ah ! Here !” The blond was planning to add a new one to her treasure. Many times people called her crazy or creepy but she just couldn’t throw Lexa. She couldn’t get her out of her life. One day, eight years ago, when Clarke was depressing again, she had put every Lexa related things in a bag and had planned to throw it in the river. And she had done it. And had regretted it right away. And had jumped in the river to get her bag back. That’s when her relatives understood that it wouldn’t be easy to free Clarke from her ghosts.

The young woman stood, closed her chest and carefully returned to the living room. She put the DVD next her TV and went to her bathroom to put some band aid on her knee. Then her stomach growled and she thought that maybe it was time for her to eat something. She made herself some pancakes (it was two pm but it was still her first meal of the day so… breakfast ?) and then started to put some order in her room.

 

Raven went back at 8 pm. “Clarke ? You hoooooome ?”

“Bathroooooome !”

“Damn ! Your room actually look like a real bedroom now ! Great job princess Cinderella !”

“Oh shut up Rav !” said Clarke exiting the bathroom in just her underwear and drying her hair with a towel “Don’t touch the TV I’m recording something”

“Again ?! This woman really is everywhere these days !”

“Like talented people in general Raven”

“Don’t you envy her ? I mean, I’m happy with what we have now but… you love music so much, an-“

“You said it Raven. What I love is music, not celebrity. I find it great to win competitions or auditions and I will be the happiest in the world if we could release our album but I’m not suffering from anonymity. What I love is singing with you guys. My best week-ends are those I spend at the studio with you, creating songs. My favorite stage is the small one of The Den”

“Oh please you’re dreaming about music since you’re a babe just like Bell. I know it’s your dream to sing for a living”

“Yes it’s a dream. And it’s my breather to think about it when I’m at the hospital. But-“

“STOP rejecting what you ARE or what you WANT damn ! You should do what you want Clarke, not what your mom pushed you to do ! And she’s the fucking director of this hospital ! If you fail at being a singer you’ll still have a place in the medical’s boring world for sure so please drop your surgeon job and do what you really want to do ! Look at yourself ! You’re exhausted and it’s killing us to see you like that ! If we win that audition in two weeks, you’ll have to make a choice because you’ll no longer be able to work for your mother AND sing”

Clarke was standing in the living room, aback. Raven just blurted out the reality Clarke didn’t want to acknowledge. After a minute that felt like hours Clarke spoke with a small voice “And you ?”

“Me what ?”

“What are you going to do ? Stop being a mechanic ? You too have small time to give to our band. Same for the others. Are you all gonna quit ?”

Raven smiled. A genuine smile “Music is your dream Clarke. It have always been your dream. We were just here to watch and support you. I chose to work in space Engineering and I love that. Monty and Jasper are making video games and they are the happiest men I’ve ever seen”

“So you’re saying that if we win you’ll leave me ?” Clarke started to pace, anger and sadness bubbling in her chest “We’re giving up”

“No we’re not”

“I WON’T leave you behind !” Clarke screamed these words, tears wetting her cheeks. Raven gently took her friend in her arms and started to gently rub Clarke’s back.

“Clarke. You hate your job. Blood and death make you throw up. It’s a miracle you actually became such a great surgeon. And you won’t be alone. You know Bell and O will follow you everywhere. Music is also their dream. Clarke. All we want is your happiness”

“I AM happy” The blond was sobbing now, hugging her friend back “I love you guys, we are the Arkers because we’re together… without you it won’t be the same”

“Clarke. You have talent. Your voice is beautiful. And you’re dreaming about this since you’re little. Don’t let us hold you back”

Clarke barely articulated a “But I love you ! ”

“And we know it and we love you too. And that’s why you have to understand that we’re past 25 years old and it’s time for us, all of us, to start specialize in what we love to do. Don’t misunderstand. I love playing music with you. And I will miss it more than you would think but… Music is not my life. It is yours”

“Raven…”

“I know princess. We already talked. The others and me. And we decided to make this next audition our best representation. We will make your song shine. But it will be the last time. We’re dissolving the band after the audition”

The blond broke the embrace. She seemed hurt and angry and confused “What !?”

“Clarke, like I said-“

“No ! All you want is to leave me ! You planned it all didn’t you !? Playing with you is the only joy in my life and you want to take it from me !?” the young singer was screaming. It had been years since she had felt so weak. She knew deep inside that she didn’t think a single syllable of what was coming from her mouth.

“Clarke…”

“No ! It was just a game for you huh !? Just a game like when we were kids ! Sure it didn’t mean anything for you !”

*SLAP*

Raven released a breath she didn’t know she was holding. Tears were running on her cheeks “Don’t” she paused to hold in a sob and released another breath “NEVER EVER say that again”

Clarke was sitting on her knees, a hand on her right cheek, trying to soothe the pain. Her next words were barely audible “Raven, I-“

“No ! I’m out for tonight. Reflect on what you said dumbass !” Raven exited the apartment letting Clarke crying alone, forehead on the ground.


	4. Chapter two : Breakdown, Lexa's side

A bad night. That’s how people usually call the kind of night Lexa just had. But the word “bad” in this case seemed unbelievably reducing.

She had come home relatively early. Around 10pm. But she didn’t remember sleeping since then. She was actually lying on her bed, doing nothing, staring at the ceiling but not seeing anything. Birds were chirping outside and she could see the sun through her shutters. And she was bringing the Vodka bottle to her lips again. Indra had trained her well : “Never get wasted in a public place. If you want to drink just do it at home”

“He wants me to go” she said to nobody in particular. She sat on her bed, holding her head, suddenly very aware of the hammering pain in her brain. She looked at the bottle. Almost empty.

Ymir was sitting on the floor just in front of her.

“I saw her. Shouldn’t have done that. They were right. I’m a hypocrite, and a coward but whatever” she paused extending a hand to scratch Ymir’s neck. The cat stood and jumped on the bed near Lexa, lovingly rubbing itself on her mistress’ back.

Then her phone rang. She didn’t move. It rang a second time. She grabbed it, looked at the screen and unlocked it.

“Yes Anya ?” she said in a sigh.

“Finally ! I’ve been calling all morning ! Where the hell were you ?”

Lexa rubbed her tired eyes, trying to stand “Why ?”

“I wanted to invite you to have lunch at home”

“Sorry. Not in the mood right now” she nearly tripped on something on the ground but steadied herself with her desk in a big thud.

“Lexa ? Are you ok ?”

“What time is it ?”

“Noon. Lexa I’m worried are you ok ?”

“Yeah… Yeah. Don’t worry. Just need sleep. Bye”

“Lexa wai-”

And she hung up. She left her phone fall on the ground and managed to walk to her couch, collapsing on it. She closed her eyes and rapidly fell into the depths of a restless sleep.

A jingle and the sound of a door opening woke her up.

She raised her head, blinking a few time, looking at her entry door.

“Lexa !”

“Anya ?” she frowned “What are you doing here ?”

“I came to see how you were feeling and it seems I was right”

“Oh please” answered her little sister rubbing the back of her neck “You’re not my mom. You have your own kids to take care. Go home”

“You’re my home too. I’m not leaving until you tell me what put you in this state”

“What time is it ?” asked Lexa in a sigh.

“6pm”

Lexa stood and mechanically started to prepare coffee.

Anya noticed immediately. Lexa had never been an example of positive attitude or cheerfulness but she hadn’t seen her like that in years. Everything in her little sister, every fibre of Lexa’s being, her whole demeanour was screaming. She looked like her own ghost.

“What happened Lexa”

The young woman leaned on the counter, left her head hang back and closed her eyes “I went to The Den”

“Did you talk to her ?”

“I talked with Bellamy. Gave him Lincoln’s number”

“And ?”

“She has a public audition in two weeks. He wants me to come. I don’t”

“Why not ?”

“You should have seen her… She seemed so happy. I’m nothing more than a memory for her now”

“Lexa. She comes at my shop from time to time you know ? And she did a lot for Liyam and Miya”

Lexa frowned “Wait, you’ve been… seeing each other since when ?”

“A few months after I came back”

“You… didn’t tell me. Why ?”

“I don’t want to interfere between you two. Honestly at first I thought I’d reject her. But she was like the sun. When I was looking at her what I was seeing was so warm and comforting.” Anya sat on a stool, staring at the ground, a nostalgic smile on her face “The blue of her eyes and the blond of her hair remind me of our last summer together here. You remember ? That day we spent in the fields ?” Anya paused. She wanted her sister to reconnect with the moment “That day we went to the old tree. For a simple picnic. It should’ve been just Gustus, Liyam you and me but Clarke’s parents just had a fight and you invited her” Anya then lifted her head, meeting Lexa’s eyes “The first time Clarke entered my shop, it was because of Liyam. He had sprung his ankle on the other side of the street. I was cleaning tables when I saw her with my son on her back. We recognized each other and she did something unexpected. Know what that was ?” Lexa shook her head “She smiled. I don’t know why I was sure she’d held a grudge on me. But she just smiled at me, taking me six years back in the past, in this field. And I cried. After bandaging Liyam’s ankle, I told her about Gustus and how it had affected us. And then she saw him drawing meaningless patterns on a piece of paper. She asked him if he wanted to learn how to draw. She spent every Sunday afternoon in this coffee shop, teaching him how to paint and how to smile again for four years. She came despite the disgust and exhaustion in her bones. She hated the hospital” silence fell between them. When finally Lexa opened her mouth, Anya turned her back to her “When was the last time you cried Lexa?”

She stayed silent.

“Answer. I want to hear it from your mouth”

“Ten years”

“Don’t you think you’ve been punishing yourself long enough ?”

The laugh that escaped Lexa’s throat was husky and sour. Heart-breaking.

“It’s like I’m not human anymore huh ?”

“Don’t say that” Anya moved to reach the coffeepot and pour coffee in two cheap lent mugs.

“But that is true. Even when Gustus…” she paused then hit the counter with her fist, turning to look at Anya, desperate. “See !?” she laughed again. One of those cold and scary laughs “I can’t cry ! He almost raised me ! And he was my big sister’s husband ! And he died because of me and I can’t even cry !” Lexa walked turned on her heels. She threw her fist on the nearest wall in rage. Anya rushed to her side and took Lexa’s fist in her hands. Her knuckles were scratched and the mark on the wall suggested that she had broken some bones too.

“I’m taking you to the hospital”

Lexa left her arms fall to her side, all tension leaving her body at the statement “I’m a fucking robot Anya, and I hate that”

Anya took her in her arms. “You’re anything but a robot. Robots can’t be haunted like you are” Lexa finally hugged her sister back, hiding her face in the crook of her neck, humming that characteristic smell she loved so much. “You have to go. The audition. Promise me you’ll go”

“I… I can’t promise that. I checked on the internet. The audition is a Sunday afternoon. I may have something scheduled”

Anya pulled back to look at Lexa’s eyes “I don’t care you’re gonna call Indra right away and tell her you want your afternoon”

“Anya I-”

“Do it. If you don’t, I will. And if she can’t do anything I’ll come steal you from your work and bring you to The Den myself so call her !”

“Lend me your phone”

Anya frowned “What ?”

Lexa pointed the ground behind Anya. The woman turned and saw the poor thing “Oh. Here take mine”

Lexa called Indra. Asked her to free this bloody Sunday afternoon.

“What did she said ?”

“She’ll try”

“Good.”

“And if I see her, what ? You think I can talk to her like nothing happened ?”

“She will understand. She’s more mature than you think”

“So I’m a child to you huh ?”

“You’ll always be a child to me Lexa. You’re my little sister. And yes. You’re still a prisoner from your past. It’s holding you back. You think you’ve moved on but you’re actually the only one who never did. You’re stuck in your past Lexa. You need to face it and beat it. The reason you can’t move on is that you left a part of you here ten years ago and it’s time to go get it back. Her path is only a step away from yours. Take this step Lexa. Life brought you back here for a reason. You’ve been fleeing for too long. Now stand and go. You will right ?” Lexa averted her gaze but nodded.

“No Lexa I want you to look at me and tell me you’re gonna go to this fucking audition”

Lexa then looked directly in Anya’s eyes and in a whisper she said “I’ll go”

Anya hugged her again “I know it’s hard for you. Make me proud little sister” Lexa closed her eyes and nodded. I’ll cook something for you just go sit”

Lexa slowly walked to her couch and laid down. She closed her eyes. And she saw herself. She was 15. She was carrying Liyam. She was in the kitchen looking at Gustus and Anya’s backs. They were cooking. Everyone was smiling. It felt so real.

When Lexa opened her eyes again Anya had disappeared. She looked at the clock on the wall. Her fist was aching. It was 8 am. She remembered her schedule. She had an interview in two hours. She needed to prepare. She’d go to the hospital after. She could still move her fingers without too much pain. Probably no broken bones after all. She stood, headed to her fridge for fresh water. She opened it and noticed a covered plate. There was a note : _Your favourite. With all my love, Anya_. Lexa looked at the content of the plate. She smiled.

She heated it and ate.

“I’d gladly cry if I could” The taste was exactly the same. Even if the kitchen was different. Even without Gustus.

Ymir jumped on the couch next to Lexa. “Yeah I know. Sorry. Never meant to worry you so much”

“Meow !”

She finished her meal, cuddled with Ymir for a while before finally heading to the bathroom.


	5. Chapter three : Monday, Clarke's side

_You have no idea I exist_

_All of this started when we kissed_

_Under this tree so long ago_

_With our faces covered in snow_

_We promised each other future_

_But all I obtained is torture_

 

About ten minutes after Raven had left a sound coming from the DVD writer dragged Clarke out of her trance. The blond lifted her head from the ground and returned to a sitting position. She turned her head to her TV slowly and weakly. Then she stood, took the freshly engraved DVD out of the machine and put it back in its protection. She headed to her room, opened her box, put the DVD with her other interviews and closed the box. A shiver ran down her spine. She was in her underwear and her hair still wet. She put on some pajamas before lying on her bed. Christa jumped on her belly and purred as her master was starting to scratch her throat.

“I really am a dumbass huh ?”

What happened after that, Clarke didn’t remember but she woke up the next day. It was 6 am. And it was Monday. At the sudden realization the young woman jumped out of her bed and dressed quickly. She rushed out of her room.

“Hey, finally up huh ? Come on, your pancakes are ready to be eaten”

“Raven !” one second later Clarke was hugging her roommate. “I’m so sorry ! You’re right, I’m a dumbass !”

Raven hugged her friend back “That, we all knew for a while now. Don’t worry, we’re okay”

“Really ?”

“At one condition.”

“Whatever you want”

“Write us the best song ever for our last stage”

With a light chuckle, the blond stepped back to look at her friend “You know I’m always doing my best when it comes to music. We’ll win.”

“That’s my girl ! Now eat before it gets cold”

“Don’t really have time, I’m late”

“No you’re not.”

Raven statement was met with incomprehension “What ?”

“Wow were you really that wasted yesterday that you don’t remember calling your mom and saying you were taking two weeks of holiday ?”

“Holy crap you’re right ! I did… But I’m sure I wasn’t drunk” the blond frowned “Almost…”

Raven grabbed her coat and car keys “Anyway, not that I don’t like you but *I* am running late so try to write good stuff today. We have a band meeting tonight at The Den. I’ll come pick you up at eight”

“Okay”

“See ya !”

“Later !”

That was what Clarke loved about Raven. The brunette didn’t really appreciate talking about serious stuff. So when they were fighting they used to part for a while and then the dumb one apologized and everything ended without much talk.

It was Clarke’s first long holidays in two years. She didn’t know what to do with her time. And she was exhausted yet fully awake so returning to bed wasn’t an option. She thought about watching the interview she recorded the night before but… No. She decided to rewatch her opponent’s performances. At first there were thirty bands in competition and Clarke’s was in the fifth best bands. She still couldn’t believe it. The other bands were really good too so why the Arkers ? Anyway she wanted to win at all costs now and she’d do what’s necessary to achieve her goal.

“I’ll make the best song ever !”

Saying that, the girl sat at her desk and started darkening white pages with notes. Scribbled pages started to pile up again only to end up covering the ground. “One day Amazonia’s forest will be dead and you’ll have all reasons in the world to feel guilty” was what Octavia once said to Clarke when she discovered the incredible amount of paper she could use for a single song. In these past two years they accumulated about one hundred and fifty personalized covers and sixteen original songs. Of course everything wasn’t extraordinary. They were beginners after all. But Clarke had something. A little something more than just her pretty husky voice and her natural talent when it came to dancing. Octavia was a goddess with a guitar. Not just electric guitars but every plucked string instrument she could find. But she had a soft spot for her favorite electric guitar : Kevin. (Advice from Clarke : NEVER ask why when Octavia give weird names to things, NEVER.)

 

The day passed by in the blink of an eye and it was already 7pm when Clarke noticed she needed a shower. And Oh how she needed it. She wandered from her room to the kitchen to watching TV to her room again all day and still found a way to stink. So she took a shower. A really long one. She was on holyday. She had time. So much time… These past two years she almost forgot how it felt to actually “take time” to do things. She realized when she noticed how fast she ate. She could eat in ten minutes for an at least thirty minutes meal. “Having time” felt good.

She got out of her shower half an hour later and took ten minutes to dry her hair. She took some time to choose how to dress. Ripped black jeans, black boots, blue-grey T-shirt and of course her blue jacket. It was a present a fan left behind the scenes two years ago. It was during their first year at The Den for her birthday so it was a huge surprise. She had worn it almost every day possible. It was a little torn out but she didn’t care.

Raven, for once, was early.

“Damn ! Do you actually are…” Clarke looked at her watch “fifteen minutes early ! Let’s call the Guinness world record !”

“Shut up blondie ! If you’re ready let’s go. Oh and take your sheets, it’s a band meeting after all !”

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey Echo, did the rest of the family arrived yet ?” asked Raven, sitting on a bar stool.

“Nope. Bellamy called me. Apparently Octavia broke one of her heels in the car” explained the bar tender, ordering her bottles and glasses”

“AGAIN !? How !?”

“Hey Rav. Why’re you screaming like that ?” Said Clarke returning from the toilets.

“Clarke listen to this : the Blakes and geeks are late because Octavia broke her heel in the car”

“AGAIN !?” the blonde’s eyes opened wide.

“It seems…”

“Does it really happen so often ?” Echo asked, genuinely intrigued.

“It’s the…” Raven faked counting on her fingers “Tenth time. Yep.” She shook her head in despair and shrugged “Why are we still surprised I wonder…”

“How ?”

“Well… Blakes’ dad died in a car accident as you already know. So Octavia feels a little… tense in cars. And when she’s on the passenger’s seat she tend to… constantly push an imaginary brake. That’s why she’s usually at the back with the boys” explained Clarke, trying not to smile too much. “Oh, yeah ! Echo, I almost forgot. There’s no more toilet paper”

“Wait a sec I’ll refill”

“No just give me the paper I’ll go”

“Thanks” Echo disappeared in the “secret chamber”, so called because nobody really knew what was in there. Everyone thought that it was just a place to store bottles or other supplies. But one day she had exited the room with a bunny in her arms (but like, a really living one, furry with its little cute nose moving adorably). Another day, an axe. And the weirdest of all : a lemon tree. “Here, thanks again”

“No need to thank me we’re almost family !” said Clarke with a wink and a weird grin, making Echo blush just slightly.

“You’re almost the only one to actually use these toilets anyway”

“Screw you Raven” answered Clarke turning back, showing Raven her middle finger.

Raven leaned closer to Echo, whispering in her ear “When we were kids, we used to call her Tiny-bladdy”

“HEARD THAT !” screamed the voice coming from the toilets.

Raven rolled her eyes, sighed and talked on an obviously exasperated tone “AND the bat. ‘Cause she have a fucking perfect earing”

“LOVE YOU TOO RAV !” yelled the voice again.

Echo and Raven laughed together for a minute before Clarke came back from the toilet “By the way, don’t you have any customer ?”

“Not today. I’ve taken the day off. The Den is yours tonight !”

“Thank you Echo. Bellamy doesn’t know his chance. Why don’t you go out with me instead ?”

“Raven stop bothering our becoming daddy”

“Daddy ?” said the amused bartender with a chuckle.

“Yes. Because Bellamy’s a mommy and I have no doubt you’ll be the one wearing the pants”

“Stop talking like we are dating and engaged”

“You’d probably be if you’d asked him out…” mumbled Raven looking at her fingernails.

“Anyway it’s too late. You’ll win this audition in two weeks and then go away to wherever your destiny want you to be.”

Clarke’s facial expression shifted from amusement and tenderness to some kind of nostalgia and an indescribable sadness “Oh Echo…”

“No. Don’t be sorry. I should have told him earlier.”

“It’s not too late. You should tell him” insisted Raven.

“It’s only two weeks”

“It’s still two weeks”

Echo was a strange woman. To strangers she appeared fierce, authoritarian, intimidating and not so friendly (except for customers obviously). But when you really knew her, you could see she was a lovely young, caring and almost shy woman.

“I don’t know… what if he says no ?”

“First : you’re irresistible. Second : he has been crushing on you since the first day you met.”

“Oh I really doubt that”

“Oh please… After you met he wouldn’t stop talking about you for a week or more”

“Of course ! He saved me from drunkards and my own store room ! Made a fool of myself twice”

Raven winked at Clarke now sitting next to her “Yeah we all know the story. Of how he “saved” you from those guys when he passed by and pretended to be your boyfriend so that they leave you alone”

“Stop ! I don’t want to hear more about that !” said the bartender shaking her head, turning her back to the now two giggling girls, a smile never leaving her face.

“Didn’t really worked ‘cause he ended up fighting four guys on his own. Oh but he still won though” Clarke added.

“And then three days later you were unpacking boxes in your secret chamber” Echo rolled her eyes at the nickname. It was just a normal store room. “And the door closed behind you”

“And then Bell that happened to come by to ask you some questions regarding the stage, heard your SOS”

“He broke the door down with too much force”

“Leading him to fall atop on you”

“I said stop !” said Echo, face now as red as a tomato.

The two best friends loved to make Echo blush as red as they could. And as always it worked perfectly. That’s the moment Bellamy and the others chose to enter the Bar. Echo disappeared in her storage room, leaving Clarke and Raven laughing behind.

“Why do I feel like I just missed something incredible ?” wondered Octavia, fists resting on her hips.

Clarke took a deep breath “You just missed an Echo game”

“No way ! Fuck !” said a disappointed Octavia collapsing on a chair, at the band’s favorite table.

The boys, not understanding a thing about what happened (like 90% of the time when involving girls and especially the trio from hell) joined Octavia at the table. Echo, cheeks still slightly flushed, came out of the chamber and started pulling out glasses and drinks for everyone. “Same as always ?”

She received several nods. Then Clarke and Raven helped Echo bring the drinks on the table.

“Hey, let’s order Chinese”

“Your treat ?” asked Raven, suspicious.

“Yep”

“Then thanks big bro”

Bellamy stood to order their meals. He knew what his friends would take but… “Echo, what do you want ?”

“Same as you” The woman heroically ignored her girl friends mischievous gazes.

Bellamy hanged up his phone “Twenty minutes” he said turning to his friends.

“Ok let’s talk then” said Octavia, now as serious as she could be. Clarke swallowed. “Raven told you ?” The blond nodded. “Good. But I’ll still sum up. It is planned that we’ll do all we can to win this audition.” She paused to look at every faces around her and received firm nods from each of them. “But when it’s done, Raven, Jasper and Monty will leave the band”

“Me, O. and Bell will be the last Arkers huh ?” stated Clarke in a sigh.

“Well… Actually… I’m not coming.” everyone turned to look at Bellamy, eyes wide open “Finn told me they were searching for a music teacher in his school. And I applied. They would like me to start next month” Octavia’s expression was really complex. In her eyes the boy could read fear, sadness, feeling of abandonment but also tenderness and compassion. ”I’m sorry O. Should’ve told you before bu-“

“Don’t apologize” She said lifting her hand and closing her eyes “I’m happy for you. Really. You sucked at managing anyway” added little sister with a smile, gently punching him.

“You sure about that ? ‘cause I already found you a new manager !”

“Really ? Is he cute ?”

Bellamy sighed “Sorry O. but I don’t think it matters so much…”

“Of course it matters !”

The boy turned his attention on Clarke “He’s a friend of an… acquaintance of mine. I met him earlier and he seems nice. Intimidating but nice. His name’s Lincoln”

“Family name ?” asked Raven, decided to do some research about this new “manager”. She wouldn’t give her favorite girls to anybody.

“Secret”

“Secret for us or for everyone including you ?” the bassist was becoming more and more suspicious.

“For you, at least for the moment. But I guarantee you he’s a good guy”

“Are you OK Clarke ?” finally asked Monty, concerned about his silent friend.

The blond jumped a little, harshly pulled out of her thoughts “Yes I’m Ok. It’s just…” The girl paused searching for words as tears filled her eyes. ”I don’t realize… After that it’ll just be the two of us” She turned to look at Octavia ”And, and it’ll be so lonely… Don’t know how to deal with that, I…” A huge sob cut her speech and she lifted her hand to her mouth in an attempt to tame her emotions. Octavia stood to hug her. Followed by Raven.

The guitarist’s cheeks too were wet by now “It’ll be okay, I’ll be here”

“And we’ll stay in touch” added Raven.

Echo wiped a single tear on her right cheek. The boys were staring at the table. Crying is a girl thing but it was still emotional. Bellamy stood and walked in the girls’ direction, Clarke now standing between her friends. When Raven and Octavia noticed Bellamy, they stepped back. The boy opened his arms with a smile. Clarke hugged him and literally broke in his arms, sobbing like a little girl, the only words escaping her lips being “thank you”.

They had known each other since middle school. The Blake family had moved in the house right next to the Griffin’s. Clarke lived with her mom and dad but Octavia and Bellamy only had their father. At first, Octavia was jealous. Because her big brother had seemed to have an interest in the little blond girl. Now, when she thought about it, Octavia realize that it was probably Bell’s “protective big brother’s instinct” that had expressed itself. Anyway the two girls became friends when one day, Octavia badly scratched her knee on the way home from school and Clarke had carried her on her back all the way to their homes. Then, one day the two siblings had become orphans. They had an aunt somewhere to claim them but she didn’t want to. So Clarke’s parents had adopted them. Not legally but they were still living with the Griffin’s family. They even had moved into a bigger house to welcome the two orphans as real family members. Since then, Clarke had considered Bellamy as her big brother and Octavia as a sister and best friend. They had been there for her when she deeded it the most as much as she had been there for the siblings when their father died. They weren’t bounded by blood but loved each other as if they came from the same place, as if they had been made in the same material.

A knock on the door broke the religious silence of the bar. Bellamy broke the embrace to go pay for the food. The girls accompanied Clarke to the bathroom to wash their faces. The rest of the evening was lighter and joyful. They ate and discussed about the new song and their costumes for the audition before leaving around 1am.


	6. Chapter three : Monday, Lexa's side

Lexa arrived at the studio ten minutes early. A little red haired woman guided her to a tiny room with a table and two chairs. The room was white from the ground to the ceiling and looked like an interrogatory room.

_Creepy._

“Mrs Wilde !  Would you like a coffee or something ?”

“No thank you” Lexa had a bad feeling about this interview. When journalists were so eager, it usually meant personal questions and she hated this. She had hoped earlier that because it was a local newspaper, it would be general questions without gossiping, but it seems they were all the same.

“Please take a seat” the little woman pointed one of the two chairs. Lexa obeyed and the journalist sat in front of her “Can I record the interview ?”

“Naturally” Lexa offered her best “I’m-not-in-the-mood-but-I’m-an-actress-after-all-so-here’s-your-smile” face.

“I’m sorry. I know this room looks cold and all but that’s all we have for the moment. We had water infiltration in the whole building during the night, a broken pipe or something. This little room is the only one with a correct ceiling” Lexa nodded in understanding. “Anyway, my name is Peggy Martin, it’s an honour to meet you”

“Same for me.”

“Are you injured ?” the woman nodded to Lexa’s bandaged right fist.

“Oh yeah. I tripped on something and punched the wall to steady myself. At least I didn’t fall right ?” she said with a light laugh.

“Oh I know how it feels. When I was ten, my dog pushed me and I fell on my wrist. I broke it and couldn’t use it for two month ! You realise ? And it hurt SO much !”

Lexa mentally rolled her eyes. She started to seriously dislike this “Peggy”.

_This is definitely going to be one hell of an interview…_

Lexa smiled again “Yeah, I can imagine.”

“Anyway !” Peggy opened her scrapbook and put on her recorder “Let’s get started !”

_Yeah, yeah let’s get it over with…_

“So here’s my first question : could you talk about yourself a little ? Age, hobbies, likes and dislikes”

“Well, I’m 26 years old. I like animals, swimming and cinema of course”

“Oh animals ? Do you have one ?”

“Yes. A cat. Her name’s Ymir and she follows me everywhere”

“When did you start acting ?”

“I got my first role when I was 17. It was in Los Angeles and I played the daughter of a dentist in a low budget movie.”

“Have you wanted to be an actress for a long time or was it just an experiment ?”

“No I’ve wanted to be an actress for as long as I can remember. My mother was a theatre actress when she was young. She was starting to be famous but she retired when she got my sister Anya”

“So you wanted to… accomplish your mother’s dream in a way ?”

Lexa’s discomfort grew “Well I’ve seen my mother acting and she was good. It inspired me and of course I wanted to be able to do the same thing”

“We all know that your father was a famous TV presenter. We also know that your sister’s ex-husband was the famous young TV writer Gustus O’Connor” at that Lexa tensed even more “I also know that you’re affiliated with the manager Lincoln Wilde. With your whole family in the show-business world, do you think it helped you in your career ? That you’ve been favorited compared to other young actors ?”

Lexa clenched her fists under the table and she felt her knuckles crackle but she didn’t care. Pain was keeping her from throwing her fist to the woman in front of her. She took a deep breath and tried to appear as calm as she could “You know, before being famous you’re, at some point, anonymous. I met Gustus when I was 5 and he was 14. His mother was working as a waitress in L.A. and his father was running a small shop. We were neighbours. Gustus went to a school specialized in cinema. He worked hard to pay his studies. Nobody helped him. He made his own career with his talent as only weapon. When I started acting he had just released his first movie. There’s no way he could’ve helped me. Lincoln, my cousin started to get famous five years ago. And yes. HE introduced me to Indra my manager but he didn’t know her from his work connections, they went to high school together. So here again Lincoln never helped me in any way. We grew up and made our path in this world at the same time. There’s also my father. He was a busy man. He never helped me either. On the contrary his name was a burden for me at some point because people were seeing me as “the daughter of” and not as Lexa Wilde. My whole family may be part of the “show-business” as you say, but it didn’t helped me at all. The only reason I’m here in front of you is because of my skills”

The journalist had been taken aback by such honesty. Even Lexa was surprised. It was the first time she released such personal information. She thought about asking Peggy to erase it but she changed her mind. It was just a local newspaper after all.

“Ok well um…” Peggy, visibly embarrassed, searched for her next question in her scrapbook “I heard that you happened to live in this town at some point, is that true ?”

_You already know that bitch ! If you didn’t I wouldn’t be here now_

“It is. I spent two years here. I was 14 when I arrived and 16 when I returned to L.A. It’s all there is to know about that.

The woman nodded and dropped the subject. Instead she asked question about _Yu gonplei ste odon_ or other cinema related things.

 

 

 

“Well thank you for everything Mrs Wilde, It was a pleasure to have you here !”

“Me too” said Lexa standing in front of the exit door, shaking Peggy’s hand with a big smile.

“Have a nice day then”

“Yeah. Have a nice day” Lexa existed the building as fast as she could. Outside she released the longest and heaviest breath she had held in years. She looked at her clock. Eleven and half. She jumped in her car and drove to the hospital.

Half an hour later she found herself sitting in a white room, waiting for a doctor to look at her hand. Someone knocked on the door.

“Come in”

“Hello Mrs Wilde. My name is Marcus Kane. I’ve seen your movies. It is nice to meet you. Well too bad it happened in these circumstances” the man offered Lexa a large sincere smile.

She answered with a nod “Yeah well, all meetings can’t be perfect”

Kane laughed “That couldn’t be more true !” he sat in front of Lexa “Let’s check on your hand shall we ?” Lexa took off the bandages and gave him her damaged hand. He looked concerned and frowned “What did you do ?” he lifted her head and caught her eyes.

Lexa didn’t know why but she trusted him. Maybe because he was a doctor. Maybe because he had a good smile or reassuring hands. She trusted him.

“I punched a wall”

He stared at her hand again. “Even actresses have their problems I guess” he stated shaking his head slightly. “When did it happened ?”

“Yesterday night. I couldn’t come earlier”

Kane gave her hand back to Lexa and stood “I don’t think your bones are broken but I’d like to be sure. Follow me. I think I can give you an X-ray between two patients”

“Thank you”

Lexa followed him in the maze that was the hospital. And suddenly her heart, no her whole being froze.

“Lexa ?”

She swallowed. The woman in front of her hated her and she knew it. “Mrs Griffin. It’s been a while”

Abby approached Lexa and slapping the young actress’ cheek she said “How dare you !”

“Please Abby, behave !” Kane had gripped her shoulder “What’s gotten into you ? Since when are you attacking patients like that !?”

Abby rolled her shoulder to get rid of Kane’s grip. Never breaking eye contact with Lexa she stepped back “What are you doing here ?”

Lexa in an attempt to compose herself, took a deep breath and straightened her back “If by “here” you mean “in town” then I’m here for work, for a month at most. And if you mean “in this hospital” then I’m here because I hurt my hand. In both cases, I’m not here for pleasure”

Abby was trembling and her eyes were watering in rage. “Abby, that’s enough. Go back to work” Kane grabbed both of her shoulders and forced her to move forward, behind Lexa. The young woman never turned back but she knew Abby’s eyes were still on her back. He pushed her on 4 or 5 meters before turning back to escort Lexa again.

“I’m confused… I-“

“Don’t be. It’s my fault. Abby and I had a little… different ten years ago and she’s hated me ever since”

“How’s your cheek ?”

“Doesn’t really hurt. I have a photoshoot tomorrow afternoon though”

“The bump and red should’ve disappeared ‘till then don’t worry. Ah ! Here we are. Radiology” Kane entered the room “Nobody. Good” He made Lexa sit on a stool near the X-ray machine. “Put your hand here and don’t move”. He put on the machine and gave a quick look to the radio. “Seems that you’re lucky. Your knuckles are just slightly crackled. It’ll hurt but you won’t need a plaster cast. Just try not to use your hand too much. Let’s go back to the other room, I’ll show you how to bandage your hand”

“Thank you doctor.”

“Oh please, it’s my job”

Thirty minutes of bandaging and paperwork later Lexa was exiting the hospital with the doctor Kane’s number and a tight bandage on her right hand. And once again she was late to meet with Indra. She drove to the same restaurant they ate at two days ago and this time, managed to park her car nearby. She joined her probably pissed off manager.

“You’re late again Lexa”

“Yes I know. Was at the hospital”

Indra frowned “What ? Why ?”

Lexa sat in front of her, showing her her hand “I had a rough day yesterday”

“And ? Thought I told you to stop with this crap”

“You did. You warned me. But you know how I am sometimes. I needed to get it out”

Indra sighed “What have you punched and broken this time ?”

Lexa looked at her hand “A wall”

“What !?” Indra nearly yelled it. She whispered the rest “What’s wrong with you ? Want to be an actress or not ?”

“Sorry. And yes I want to be an actress. But I had a really, REALLY bad day. And today’s not really better”

“What happened ?”

“I went to The Den. But we haven’t talked”

Indra understood without more explications. She sighed again and softened “You’re gonna kill me one day. How’s your hand ?”

“Not bad. No broken bones this time”

“Good. I think I already know why but why did you want to clear Sunday 28th ?”

“She has an audition. Bellamy and Anya encouraged me to go”

“Will you talk to her ?”

“I don’t know but… Anya might be right. Maybe I need this”

Indra paused, looking at the crackled woman in front of her.

“Ms Wilde ! I knew it was you”

“Hey ! Hello Emily. How are you ?”

The girl said “Good ! Good, and you ?” She thought “OH MY GOD SHE REMEMBERED MY NAME !” and Lexa knew it.

The young actress smiled “I’m good thank you”

Emily lowered her eyes “Oh. What happened to your hand ?”

“Nothing really. A bad fall. Can we order ?”

“Oh ! Oh yes ! What will you have today ?”

“For me same as last week and you ?”

Indra not even surprised by the artist’s choice answered “Cheese omelette”

“Ok. I’ll be right back”

The girl disappeared and Indra talked again. “I cleared your schedule. But, and I’m serious, whatever happens in two weeks I don’t want to have to deal with it more than what I’ve already done you hear me ?”

Lexa nodded. “There’s just a little problem… could you call my apartment’s owners ?”

Indra feared the worse “Why ?”

“The wall. My fist’s shape is printed on it”

Indra hid her face in her hands. “You’re killing me. You’re seriously killing me”

“Thank you Indra. I appreciate what you’re doing for me” Indra huffed with a smile.

 

They finished their meal and headed to the TV studio to record the second interview. Everything went fine and it was shorter than expected. At 4pm Lexa was free.

“I have to go buy a new phone. Want to come with me ?”

“Sorry. Promised to Lincoln I’d spend some time with him”

“Fine. See you tomorrow then”

“See you tomorrow. And try not to break anything until then ok ?”

Lexa answered with a light laugh “Ok”

She jumped in her car and started her epic quest : find a phone shop. She finally found one after half an hour. She entered, picked one that looked like her old one and got straight home.

When she entered the building she met the landlord. The man was tall, around 60 and was always smiling. Lexa liked him. Discreet and polite, attentive and caring.

“Hello Ms Wilde. I just came back from your apartment”

“Thank you Mr Miller, for taking care of Ymir”

“Oh don’t worry. She’s adorable and I love animals. Plus, I have nothing more to do or people to spend time with so I really enjoy her company”

Lexa smiled “Still. Thank you”

The man laughed and lowered his gaze “You know, punching walls won’t lead you anywhere right ?”

“You noticed ?”

“Difficult to miss it”

“I’m sorry. I told my manager to call the owners of the apartment and present my apologies”

“I wasn’t talking about the wall Mrs Wilde” he said turning his back on her “Not the wall” he repeated entering his office, closing the door behind him.

Lexa laughed and started climbing the stairs with a smile. Smile she lost when finally reaching her door on the 4th floor.

_How ? He’s much older than me and he still manage to climb all these stairs ! Unbelievable._

She opened her door just to be savagely attacked by Ymir.

“You want to play ? let’s play !” Lexa removed her coat, beanie, scarf, sunglasses and boots and grabbed Ymir’s toy, a long rod with a rope and a false mouse in the rear. At some point, Ymir managed to grab the rod and ran with it in all the apartment.“Ymir come back ! You know I don’t like to run !” Ymir disappeared in Lexa’s room and her mistress followed. But when she turned the light on she noticed. She noticed the mess on the ground. Today, as much as the day before, no maybe the whole past week, had been full of crap. First the interview then her hand, and now this. She was too much in a hurry to notice when she woke up. At least now she had identified what made her trip when she was on the phone with Anya.

Hundreds of photos were scattered on the ground with some CD and DVD. Lexa fell on her knees and started to collect her treasures. Then she paused. In her hand, an old photograph. One of her family before her dad abandoned them. She was still a baby. A 10 years old Anya was holding her in her arms. Lexa picked up the cardboard box she was carrying everywhere. This box was supposed to stay closed. But its content was now on the ground, exposing Lexa’s happy memories to the world. She hated that. She carefully tidied up the photo in the box. She grabbed another one. Anya and herself eating ice-cream with their mother. She tidied up photo by photo, staring at them every time, remembering. Then she found one. THE one she’d been trying to escape.

Anya was sitting next to Gustus, at the foot of an enormous tree on a tablecloth. Lexa was between them. And she was there. On the side. Smiling with baby Liyam on her lap.

Lexa froze. After what seemed like hours, she found an envelope and sled the photo in. She rapidly collected what was still lying on the ground and put it back on the box. She’d have go buy a more solid box later.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so ? what do you think ? still like it ? 
> 
> like always, thank you for reading and all the kudos !


	7. Chapter four : The second week, Clarke's side

_You said parting was for the best_

_That always I’ll stay in your chest_

_But all I know about you now_

_Is what media release somehow_

_You’re in heaven, I’m on the ground_

_You world is never to be found_

_By such a normal girl like me_

_‘cause y’stand in light far from our tree_

 

Clarke spent her first week of holiday in her apartment, working on her song, rewriting it again and again, and at the studio rehearsing with her band. Then came the second week.

On the seventh day, January 22nd, Clarke was dozing off on her couch, Christa purring on her lap.

“I’m so booooored…” she said sighing “What can I do…” Then she remembered that it was Bellamy’s day off. She grabbed her phone, and called.

She tried again. Two times.

“Maybe he forgot his phone at the studio again. I’ll try to call Echo”

Nothing.

She tried again. Two times.

Calling three times before giving up was Clarke signature. It was “so Clarke” that every time one of her friends had three missed calls, they knew even without checking that a certain blond girl was behind it.

_… Ok this is weird._

She spent ten other minutes just staring at her ceiling.

“Shit ! Fuck ! I’m bored ! I’m going out !” she yelled, standing quickly, making a sleepy Christa fall on the ground “Oh no ! I’m sorry baby are you ok !?” Christa snarled, her tail even fluffier than usual, before rushing to Clarke’s bedroom. The girl followed her, and finally found her cat under her bed looking at her with her two angry blue eyes. “Sorry… Want tuna for tonight ? I’ll buy you some !”

That said she put on her coat and got out of her apartment before her motivation could leave her body.

She decided to take a walk in the park. It was a beautiful day, cold but sunny. She sat on a bench, looking at people. Her eyes followed a couple, slowly walking on the other side of the lake. Then she noticed the man playing Frisbee with his two dogs on her right. Just in front of her two women passed with their kids. Then her gaze followed the couple again. For some reason they seemed… familiar.

_Whatever. Probably neighbors. Let’s go buy Christa’s tuna !_

Mrs. Christa could only eat fresh tuna when she was upset so Clarke had to walk for twenty minute just to buy some fish from Morgan, her usual high quality fish store. She made detour to stop by the cinema.

“Hi Mrs. Hoffman, been a while”

“Hey if it isn’t young Griffin ! How’re you ? And your mother ?”

Mrs. Hoffman was the operator and owner of the small local cinema called Jason (in honor of some sort of TV writer Clarke didn’t know). She had been a friend of Clarke’s mother since high school and some kind of aunt for Clarke since she was born. She was a small black woman with an incredible collection of glasses. She had one for every day of the week and some extra for big occasions.

“I’m having the biggest audition of my life in a week so I guess I’m ok” the woman raised an eyebrow “OK I’m not ok. I’m totally stressed. And because I’m in holiday I have too much time on my hands so I’m thinking too much and I get more stressed”

“And your roommate ?”

“Raven is at her Finn’s apartment. She hates being anxious and my stress is kinda contagious”

“I know you’ll do great”

“Thanks. You can come if you want. It’s open to public. The Den, next Sunday afternoon”

“See ? You even are familiar to the place, finger in the nose !” Clarke chuckled “And I’ll try to come”

“Cool. I’m sure the guys will be happy too. By the way, do you have-“

“Oh yeah I know why you’re here girl. Don’t worry I managed to save one for you”

“Thank you so much !” almost yelled Clarke with a wide smile.

Mrs. Hoffman disappeared behind her counter and reappeared a second later, a huge rolled poster in her hands.

“Here. It’s new” Clarke took the poster with the biggest precautions to avoid damaging it.

Mrs. Hoffman hesitated but finally voiced the question she’s been asking to herself for the past few years “Every time you’re just taking it home without looking at it, why ?”

Clarke, surprised, opened her mouth, searched for a lie for a moment and answered “Well… I prefer looking at it when I’m home so that nothing can stain it”

The woman raised an eyebrow, not trusting the blonde’s words. However if Clarke didn’t want to talk about it, fine. ”She’s really starting to have an impressive career huh ?” she asked pointing the poster.

“Yes. I’m proud”

“Still no contact ?”

Clarke answered with a small smile “Nope ! But that’s ok. I know she’s doing great so it’s good”

“If you say so”

“Don’t worry” the girl offered her a true smile before turning to the exit “I have to go now. See you soon”

“Take care kid”

 

Clarke went home walking slowly. Breathing the fresh air. This little walk had given her some good energy. When she got home she went directly to her room without even taking her coat off. She grabbed a poster protection from under her bed and put the poster in it.

“Say hi to your new friends _To love a Mockingbird_  and _All Glory is Fleeting_ ”. Clarke had decided to limit the number of poster in each box to three “Just filled up the fourth box I guess. Tomorrow : shopping !” She put back the box under her bed. Then she finally returned to the entry to take off her coat. Christa, probably smelling the tuna, rushed to Clarke’s legs purring.

“I know what you’re doing young lady and it’s really sneaky” She took Christa in her arms and kissed her “But I don’t care you’re too cute. Let’s go cut this tuna, shall we ?”

 

 

 

 

Clarke spent her Tuesday afternoon shopping. Clothes, poster protections, a new Blu-ray collector edition of _To love a mockingbird_ , and food. Then a thought hit her.

_Miya’s birthday !_

Miya was the young daughter of Anya. Anya used to live in Clarke’s town with her husband, her young son and Lexa. They had moved to Los Angeles and then she came back four years ago with Liyam and a really young little girl : Miya. Two days ago was the little girl’s birthday and Clarke had totally forgotten. She rushed to the first toy store she could find and found the perfect present (or she hoped so). The little girl loved animals and Walt Disney movies, she’d like Clarke’s present for sure.

Clarke then stopped at The warrior family. She pushed the door, ringing the bell.

“We’re close, come by earlier next time” said the husky voice of the shop owner.

“Hi Anya !”

“Clarke !” The woman lifted her head from the counter, put down the towel she was using and her apron to properly hug Clarke. “It’s been so long !” the woman broke the embrace, ran to the stairs in the back of the shop and yelled “Liyam, Miya, Clarke is here !”

“Sorry for not calling but I’ve been kinda busy”

“It’s ok sweetie. How are you ?”

“I took my first holydays in two years to prepare for my next audition witch could give me the opportunity to release my first album”

“I’m so happy for you ! And the others ?”

The girl tried to talk with a smile “All happy with their lives. If we win the audition, we’ll dissolve the band so that they can give more time to their works. I on another hand will quit my job at the hospital and Octavia and I will move to L.A. to make our album” Clarke added in a sigh “and seek out success”

“You’ll do a great job I’m sure of it. You and Octavia have something more. I can’t really say what but success will come for sure. And you deserve it” she paused “Aaaaand that is true that L.A. will surely help”

Clarke laughed and heard eager footsteps going down the stairs.

“Claaake !”

“Hey” Clarke lifted the little girl in her arms and rested her on her hips “Damn, you grew up again ! Can you tell what THIS is ?” the blonde showed Miya the wrapped box she had in her hand.

Miya’s cheeks reddened in shyness and she answered with a smile, her eyes full of mischievousness “It’s a present”

“Yes and you know for whom it is ?”

Miya shook her head, her smile widening.

“Don’t lie, you know it’s for you little monster ! Happy birthday !”

Miya wrapped her arms around Clarke’s neck and kissed her on the cheek whispering a “Thank you”

“I’m a little late but you forgive me right ?” Miya nodded eagerly. “Good. Go ahead, open it” The little girl took the box from Clarke’s hand and looked at her mother, waiting for some sort of approval. Anya nodded and with a smile. Miya torn the paper, opened the box, revealing the precious content.

Miya grabbed the stuffed animal, letting the poor box fall on the ground. She hugged it tightly.

“You recognize him ?” asked Anya.

She nodded “It’s Bambi”

“Go show it to your brother and tell him to come down”

Clarke put the girl down.

“You remembered it was her favorite or was it just a coincidence ?” asked Anya raising an eyebrow.

“You got me here” said Clarke, one hand scratching the back of her head “I wasn’t sure” the blonde added with a light laugh.

It was Liyam’s turn to go down the stairs. The boy’s face was covered in dry paint. “Hey little man !” he hugged her tight. She was her former art teacher. She was the one who taught him how to draw when they came back from L.A. She was the one who gave him a way to fill in the void left by his father. She was important to him and she loved the little boy with all the tenderness in the world.

“Hi Liyam. Sorry for not contacting you a lot these times. You doing ok ?” The boy nodded, his nose buried in Clarke’s chest.

“I missed you”

“Me too” she said, gently stroking his hair, a tender smile on her lips. He finally pulled back to offer her a smile.

“Time for a coffee Clarke ?”

“With pleasure !”

The girl sat at one table and talked about nothing and everything. It was the kind of conversation loved ones exchanged when they reunited, the kind that meant the world.

 

Clarke spent her Wednesday at the studio. The whole band had taken four days off to work on their audition performance. They spent the day rehearsing. And arguing. And laughing. And Clarke was absorbing it all, engraving it in her memory.

“Hey bro, what time is it ?”

“We’re on break O. please… And can’t you look at the clock yourself ? I raised you and I’m pretty sure I taught you to read a dial”

“Yeah but I prefer when it’s you”

Nobody argued. Bellamy sighed “It’s 5:35 PM. Happy ?”

“O-ver-whelmed !” she answered with one of her sneaky, wild laughs. Bellamy smiled.

They weren’t talking about it but they were sharing the same feeling : it might be the last time.

“Oh ! Right, Bellamy, where were you Monday morning ? I called and you didn’t answered”

“Yeah sorry. I was outside. Forgot my phone at The Den”

Clarke frowned “Then why didn’t Echo answered ? And now that I think about it… I try to call her too but nothing”

Bellamy opted for a casual tone “We were together”

Raven nearly spat out her beer, Jasper choked on his muffin, Clarke’s jaw dropped.

“You were together but, like, in a groceries store or something right ?” asked Clarke, more than used to Bellamy’s “girl related” jokes.

“No we went to park Jaha”

Raven, Clarke and Jasper were just staring at him with wide eyes. Then it hit her. Clarke stood from her chair, hopping and pointing at her friend like a little girl.

“The- the- the couple ! I Knew they reminded me of someone ! It was YOU !” she grabbed her hair “God how did I missed that !”

The corner of Bellamy’s lips rose slowly, trading his casual face for a large smirk. He just couldn’t resist anymore, Clarke was too funny.

Raven stood to reach him and slap his shoulder “You DOG !” He bit his bottom lip, and straightened his back, proud.

“Wait, Monty how are you so calm ?” asked jasper with an unusual high pitched voice.

“Well I… kinda ran into them on their way to The Den so…”

“You KNEW ? Bastard I’m your best friend how could you !” said Jasper lightly punching his smiling friend’s head.

“I promised to Bell so…”

Jasper huffed “I’m disowning you !”

“Wait guys, Octavia are you ok ?” asked Clarke slightly concerned by the blank look on her best friend’s face.

Octavia paused, visibly trying so process the information. Then she hit her left hand with her right fist, looking like she just had created a new vaccine “Yeah I get it now ! SHE asked you out. NOW it makes sense.” She nodded, proud of her conclusion.

Bell’s smirk grew even wider “Sorry lil sis’, *I* asked her out”

Octavia bugged again and yelled “Damn ! When did you get smart !? And, and, and, you’re with someone… And *I* am not ? What the hell ! Is that an alternative universe ?”

“Don’t be jealous O. You know I’ll always love you”

“Ew, gross bro. Wait… Means that… I’ll be an auntie !”

Jasper leaned near his friend’s ear “Hey bro, understand why she’s all happy now ?” Monty shook his head.

“Don’t think too much guys, we need your brains for Sunday”

“Raven, the voice of reason !”

“Not so fast Bell, don’t think I’m finished with you. Remember : I’m watching you. Make her cry and I’ll beat the hell out of you”

“Yes mam’ !”

“Better” stated Raven crossing her arms on her chest.

The poor (/lucky ?) Bellamy spent the rest of his evening being teased, Raven, Octavia and Jasper being teasers and Clarke and Monty being good watchers.

 


	8. Chapter four : The second week, Lexa's side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone ! First, thank you for reading !
> 
> I just came back from a whole day in a theme park for kids (I was a keeper for my mom's pupils). When I got home my friend had sent me the corrected version of this chapter and the one before. The fact is : I'm too tired to reread my work before posting it so please if you notice mistakes or missing words, tell me o/
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter !

The rest of the week went without much problems. Photoshoot or filming, everything went fast and smoothly, giving Lexa some rest. Some actors says that there’s no routine in their job. But filming, being a model, giving interview, it was Lexa’s comforting routine. A routine she loved as much as she hated it.

Then came Sunday. Lexa had dressed nicely. White shirt, black pants, black heeled boots and a loosen, worn out necktie. Miya liked it when she dressed “as a respectable mister.” Lexa looked one last time at the mirror. She smiled. She used to steal Gustus clothes. Everything was way too big for her of course. But one day, as she was sneaking in his closet again, she found a new, dark red necktie. She ran downstairs and asked Gustus to tie it for her. He did. “Do you like it ?” he had said. The little girl had answered with a nod. “Then it’s for you.” Later Anya had eventually told her that he had bought it especially for her. She went back to her room and stared at the envelope on her desk. After a few second she grabbed it. She put on her coat. And slid the envelope in one of her coat’s pockets. She could feel its weight on her chest.

“Come on Ymir, we’re leaving. In your box, quickly” The cat was just staring at her. “Don’t force me to come and get you” But Ymir wasn’t moving. As usual this was followed by a track race in the whole apartment. When Lexa seemed tired enough, Ymir just entered in her cage on her own will.

Lexa was panting “You’re evil, you know that ?”

Shaking her head, she grabbed Miya’s present, Ymir’s box and exited her apartment.

 

 

“Mommy ! Mommy ! Auntie is here !”

“Hello little girl ! Happy birthday !” Lexa noticed Miya’s gaze on the package under her arm “No Miya, you know it. Gift time is, AFTER cake time” Miya nodded turning her attention on Lexa’s other “package”

“You brought Ymir !”

“Yes. She wanted to wish you a happy birthday too. Go close the doors, I’ll release her. The little girl obeyed, and Lexa freed her poor companion. The cat jumped out of her cage and immediately started to lick herself. “Oh please, I washed your box this morning. Don’t act like you’re dirty”

Miya came back and sat next to Ymir on the ground.

“Where’s your mother Miya ?”

“She’s in the kitchen”

“Ok. I’ll go help her. Don’t bother Ymir too much ok ?” Miya nodded.

 

“Hey sister. You’re just in time, give me a hand and go set the table please”

The weight on Lexa’s chest made itself known once again but she ignored it “That’s why I’m here right” Lexa faked a pout.

“Hey, I raised you for years. I want my pay back !”

 

Lexa laughed and started setting the table. Lincoln and Nyko, a friend of the family and also the doctor who brought Liyam to the world. They had lunch, ate the cake and finally, the crucial moment came.

“Can I open it now ?”

“Yes, go ahead” said Lincoln.

The girl started to unwrap her gifts : a small sword and shield from Lincoln, a bunch of books from Nyko, a beautiful drawing from Liyam and a box of playmobil (the “forest” set) from her mother.

“There’s only one left now right ?” teased Lexa “Go ahead, open it”

Miya torn the paper as fast as her little hands permitted her. Every year it was the same. Lexa’s gifts were always the best. She could get whatever she wanted to the little girl and she’d still love it. That’s also why Lexa’s present was always the last one. When Miya turned three she opened Lexa’s gift first and ended up ignoring the rest of her presents.

“So ? do you like it ?”

Miya was holding a big stuffed animal.

“Lexa. A gorilla. You’re serious ?” asked Anya with a raised eyebrow.

Miya hugged it, lifted her head to look at Lexa and said “Thank you” with what was probably her widest smile of the day (maybe the week).

A cocky smile tugged up the corner of Lexa’s lips “See ?”

Anya sighed with a smile. Miya really was Lexa’s perfect replica. They had the same tastes, same hair, same personalities. If she hadn’t suffered so much giving birth to her daughter, Anya could gladly believe Miya was Lexa’s kid.

“Aaaand… how are you gonna call it ?” asked Lexa.

“Pauna !”

“Perfect name I love it ! how did you think about that !”

Anya rolled her eyes. “Clones…” she thought.

“Go show it to Ymir ok ?” The little girl obeyed and Lexa pulled a long black box from the pocket of her heavy coat. She gave it to Liyam “Open it” he did. “This is high quality watercolor. I heard you liked painting. I don’t know what you used so I picked something I liked”

Liyam put his gift on the table and stood to hug her aunt. “Thank you”

“You want to thank me ?” he nodded “Draw me something beautiful for the next time I come ok ?”

“What would you like ?”

“The choice is yours” she said smiling.

 

Before Lexa left, Anya hugged her and whispered “I’ve read the interview. Thank you. For Gustus”

Lexa smiled and hugged her back “I said too much. Indra scolded me for that”

“Still. Thank you”

 

 

Lexa spent her Monday and Tuesday filming. It left her no time to think and it was for the best. But Wednesday 24th inevitably came.

She woke up at one am. Unable to fall asleep again she got out of bed and took a cold shower. When she went out, her gaze fell on her coat. She turned it carefully, reaching her pocket to take the envelope out. It was just some pieces of paper and yet its weight in Lexa’s hand was considerably heavy. She sat on her couch and stared at it, not its content, just the closed, slightly creased envelope.

“Still have it huh ? Should’ve given it to her at Miya’s birthday”

A few moments later, she put it back in her coat’s pocket.

“I’ll give her this the afternoon”

She went to her bedroom and slid herself in her sheets. She grabbed her phone and typed.

 **To Anya :** You asleep ?

Not five minutes later her phone vibrated.

“Hi big sis”

“Hi sister”

“So ? Insomnia huh ?”

“Yeah well… It’s this time of the year you know ?”

“Yep. That time of the year.”

Silence fell between the two women. Not uncomfortable but meaningful.

“Miya loves your gift by the way”

“Really ? Glad to hear it”

Anya paused, weighing pros and cons. But Lexa had to know “Guess who’s Pauna’s new best friend ?”

“Can I guess by myself ?”

“I don’t think so”

“Then spit”

“Bambi.”

 Lexa frowned “Disney’s fawn ?”

“Yep. Clarke’s present” the silence that fell this time was heavier “Lexa ? Still with me ?”

“Sorry. Just can’t realize how close you are” she paused “We are. Told you I ran into Abby at the hospital last week ?”

“And ?”

Lexa huffed “She slapped me on the face in a corridor, in front of everyone”

Anya laughed “Why am I not surprise ?”

“This woman can be really harsh sometimes”

“True. But she’s a good doctor and has good heart. She raised a wonderful girl. I respect her for that”

“Same.”

“Liyam can’t sleep either. I heard him wandering in the house a few time”

“He misses him as much as I do”

“I think I’ll go check on him”

“Ok. It was good to talk to you.”

“Same here. See you later sister”

“Bye Anya”

Lexa hung up. She closed her eyes and drowned in a restless and heavy sleep.

She woke up at noon. She ate. And threw up almost immediately. She sat on her couch with Ymir, and watched the TV, changing channels every three minutes. Then she turned it off. Did some stretching. Tried to read a book. Then she dressed : black shirt, black pants, black jacket and her red tie.

At 2pm she left her apartment. She reached her goal half an hour later.And it took another half hour for her to finally leave her car.

 

 

“Hey”

Lexa turned to face Lincoln “Hey.”

“Where’re the others ?”

“Anya had a problem. Miya wet her pants before leaving the house. The poor thing started crying without reason and peed herself”

“Kids are like animals. They can feel more things that we can imagine and sometimes, when they can’t understand something, they break apart”

Lexa nodded. They waited about twenty minutes in silence when they finally saw the familiar red car.

“Lincoln, Lexa, we’re here” Anya stepped out of the car and quickly hugged her sister and cousin. Anya took her tired, silent daughter in her arms. Liyam opened the trunk. Lexa and Lincoln took two chrysanthemum pots and the boy grabbed two big bouquets of flower plus a little one he gave to Miya.

“Let’s go then” said Anya taking a deep breath and her first step into the cemetery.

They walked slowly. In silence. When they finally reached the grave, Anya put Miya down. She grabbed all the dead flowers and threw them out. Then she took one of the two bouquets from Liyam’s arms. She put it down on the cold black marble. Lincoln did the same with the Chrysanthemum followed by Lexa. Then Liyam kneeled down next to his sister. He took her little hand in his.

“Together ?” The little girl nodded. They both released their flowers.

Lexa didn’t know what exactly took her back in her past. The tears on her nephew’s cheeks, the solemnity within Lincoln, the ghost inside Anya’s eyes, the clenching little fists of her niece or the name on the grave. She didn’t know what was the trigger, the thing responsible of this painful time travel.

She could see it repeating in front of her eyes. Like a movie of her life. The record of the most painful day.

Gustus was there. Behind his camera. Directing the shooting of his movie. He had asked Lexa to be a part of his film. The one he once had called “his baby”. It was an accident. A common accident. Things like that happens. It happened. For apparently no reason, a huge part of the fake wall behind Lexa fell. She remembered Gustus running to her. She remembered his screams. She remembered, his grip, the thud, his weight on her body. She remembered the dust’s taste, the prickling in her eyes as a loved one’s blood was dripping in them and the hammer in her head. She remembered the broken face of Anya, the pain in Liyam’s eyes and Miya’s confused cries.

 _It should’ve been me_.

A hand in her own brought her back to reality. She lowered her gaze. Liyam was looking at her, his eyes expressing what his voice couldn’t : _It couldn’t have ended differently._

It was an accident. A common accident. Things like that happened. It happened and there was nothing more. Nothing more than that. An accident.

Lexa, suddenly, felt heavier. And she remembered. The envelope. She rested a hand on her heart, feeling the paper under her coat. She’d give it to her next time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this story. It really encourages me to continue, really, thanks a lot.
> 
> See you next chapter (I hope) !


	9. Chapter five : Deep breath, Lexa's side

Wednesday night, Lexa slept surprisingly well. Too well. Maybe the emotional exhaustion of these past few days and the pressure constantly floating in this town had finally won. But that sleep apparently wasn’t enough because her uneasiness was still here, more powerful than ever, perfectly mixing with her whole being.

Her Thursday went smoothly. A day of filming. Mud on her face, riding a horse, playing with fake knives and swords. And she loved that. Like a little child. No matter how many time she “played” with costumes or accessories, she still loved it. The other members of the cast were now good friends and the director was funny (but a little sadistic sometimes…) Her only problem : from time to time, she had to run. She hated running. First because she didn’t know how. Second, because her joints were those of a granny.

On Friday morning she decided to go to swim. As much as she hated running, she loved water and swimming. She loved the warmth, the chlorine smell and the way water makes her feel at ease, makes her float. Her afternoon was dedicated to filming a huge fight scene. A cool one. But also  difficult one. When she came home, she ate and fell asleep right away.

 

Then Saturday came. Saturday, the day before Sunday. The day before the audition. The day that had passed too fast for Lexa.

She had woken up early. Dressed, drank coffee, fed Ymir and went for a morning walk, like she used to do all those years ago. She had still two hours before her appointment at the hospital. And she felt like she needed to reconnect. Visiting Gustus’ grave made her realize that this whole town was a part of her family, her past, herself. Gustus had been buried here, in the same town his son was born. She started wandering in the streets, wondering what had changed and what hadn’t. She felt more and more nostalgic as she passed by those shops and parks that seemed eternal.

_Nothing has changed_

Then a building caught her gaze. The old cinema. She weighted the pros and cons. Pro : she really wanted to go have a look despite the weight in her pocket, on her heart. Con : someone (Mrs Hoffman) could recognize her. But she decided that her hat and scarf and glasses and coat would be enough.

She pushed the glass door.

“Lexa !? You’re in town ? Since when ? Let me look at how beautiful you became !”

Lexa smiled. Of course she’d recognize her. She took off her glasses and hat “Hi Mrs Hoffman, it’s been a while”

“Come here child” The woman approached the taller girl and pulled her in a tight, tender embrace. She pulled back “Look at you. So beautiful” Lexa almost blushed “Are you in holiday ?”

“No. I’m here for work. My new movie”

“When did you arrive ?”

“Three weeks ago”

“And you’re coming to see me NOW ? You’re breaking my heart young girl…”

Lexa laughed lightly “I’m sorry. Actually, I hadn’t even intended to meet you” Mrs Hoffman opened her mouth wide “No ! No ! That’s not what I meant ! I didn’t want to see anyone at all !”

“Why ?”

“When I left for L.A. ten years ago I didn’t say goodbye. It just felt weird to reappear like that out of nowhere”

Mrs Hoffman understood. “Silly child” she thought. But it wasn’t her job to make her understand that.

“I have to go now. It was nice to see you again and I wish I’d done that earlier”

“Of course you do. Come by sometime kid”

“I’ll try”

Lexa was already exiting the cinema when she heard Mrs Hoffman mumbling

“And don’t worry. I won’t tell her you came”

Lexa shook her head with a smile.

_This woman can read minds_

 

Lexa’s next stop was Park Jaha. She looked at the lake. And then at two little girls feeding a bunch of ducks. She smiled. She used to do that too. But again the weight on her chest dragged her out of her memories.

 

Then she finally got home to grab her car keys and let the doctor Kane check on her hand.

“It looks good, but you should’ve kept some bandages”

“I was careful”

“I can see that but it isn’t a good reason”

“Sorry”

Lexa looked like a scolded child and Kane smiled. “You should be over with it in two weeks or less” Kane stood “I’ll take you to the door”

“You’re not ob-“

“It wasn’t a question but a statement”

Lexa laughed “If it’s a statement then” She liked the doctor. It was easy to talk with him. He was ready to listen but never asking unnecessary questions.

At the front door he shook her hand “Miss Wilde, again, it was a pleasure. And see you next week”

“See you next week”

A thought hit her as she approached her car

_What if Abby is there tomorrow ?_

As much as Lexa respected the woman, she feared her. Abby would probably kill her if she saw her in the same room as her daughter… She felt her determination waver. But she didn’t have time for that. She had a meeting (but seriously let’s just call it a lunch) with the other members of the cast and she didn’t want to be late.

Her afternoon had been dedicated to a photoshoot with the whole cast. It was a tiring afternoon and she needed to go home, take a shower and just doze off.

When she got home though, something unexpected happened. Something she would’ve gladly rejected if she had known.

After removing her coat and shoes she grabbed her vibrating phone and looked at the screen. Unknown number. An error probably. She didn’t answered. But the unknown number appeared again two minutes later. She didn’t answer this time either. Then it called a third time. At the fourth one, she picked up, a little pissed off.

“Yes ?”

“It’s Bellamy”

At that Lexa’s heart clenched. She sat on her couch.

“What do you want ?”

“Just making sure you’re coming tomorrow”

Lexa took a deep breath, hoping she won’t regret her words later “I will be here”

“Good”

Silence fell. A heavy silence. She thought about hanging up but somehow she couldn’t. This phone call was a first test. If she hung up first it would be like running away. And she didn’t want that. Not now. Not again. Not in front of Bellamy.

“Abby. Is she coming ?”

“Clarke’s mother ? Of course not. She wants her daughter to be a doctor. She spent the past few years keeping Clarke from music. She won’t come. Why ?”

“I ran into her at the hospital the other day and she slapped me. I’d prefer to avoid that”

“I can’t guarantee you won’t be slapped by one of us though” Lexa felt hurt, as if he actually really slapped her just now. But it felt deserved. “Anyway. I think you want to come incognito right ?”

“I’d like that”

“Come at The Den at 2pm. I’ll hide you somewhere so you don’t have to stand in line with the others”

“In line ?”

“Yes. There’s only 50 places. I’ll make Liyam and you enter first. I already talked with the jury. I can do that”

“Ok so I just have to come at 2 pm right ?”

“Right but you have all your afternoon ? Because the order for the bands is decided just before they start. It could take all the afternoon. Every band have three songs to sing. Two covers and one original. But the jury have a list of what each band can play in general and they can ask participants to sing as many songs as they want”

“I have my afternoon”

“See you tomorrow then”

“See you tomorrow”

The silence again. But Lexa waited, waited for him to hang up.

“I see you progressed. Good”

Lexa frowned and was prepared to add something but Bellamy had hung up right away.

 

 

Of course, Lexa didn’t sleept that night. Not because of the heavy atmosphere, no she was used to it. Not because of the clenching of her heart, no she was used to that. No it was the butterflies’ fault. They came around midnight when she realized that the possibility for Clarke to see her and recognize her was actually really a possibility. She didn’t know why but until that night she just imagined herself in a dark corner of the room, watching and leaving the bar like a thief. But what if…

_Not a chance. Not at all. When you’re on stage you can’t see the public. There’s no chance she’ll be able to see me._

She had repeated that in her head all night but they didn’t want to go.

_Fucking butterflies !_

She finally left her bed around 6am. She had breakfast then returned to her room, opened her closet, sat on her bed and stared at it. For a long time.

_What am I going to wear ?_

It’s been a long time. A really long time since she asked herself this question. She didn’t want to be recognized and at the same time she wanted to look good, because what if.

She finally made up her mind. Then she headed to the bathroom. Everything had to be perfect. She spent something like two hours to prepare. Not a chance for her to be seen naked tonight but, once again what if.

Lexa was a “what if” king of person. She was a pragmatic, calm person. But when it came to social life she was unsure. Unsure about everything and was always imagining the worst. But anything these days looked like work, even her social interactions. So it had been a long time since she had left a “what if” take over her life.

She spent the rest of her time pacing in her apartment, playing with Ymir, watching TV reading a book. She tried to eat. Bad Idea. She threw up and took another shower. Then came 1pm. She grabbed her coat. Not the black usual one. A white, fluffy bolero jaket. It was still winter after all. She hesitated a moment before taking the envelope with her.

She arrived at The Den at exactly 2pm. Bellamy was there with the bartender and the Jury. And Liyam. He ran to her.

“Auntie… You’re beautiful”

She smiled and blushed a little “Thank you” then she turned to the Jury members. They were five . Two famous singers, two producers and someone she didn’t recognize. She shook their hands, receiving the usual “It’s a pleasure to have you with us” and “I hope you’ll enjoy it, it’s a little audition but these bands are promising”.

Business greetings over, she turned to Bellamy.

“You’re stunning”

“I’m never wearing this kind of outfit in front of cameras. It seemed like the best way for me not to be recognized. My usual coat is too famous”

“Yes but still. I don’t like you but I have to recognize this” he gestured “It really suits you”

“It’s true. You’re not an actress for nothing. I have no doubt you’re a talented person but I have to admit that… wow” added Echo.

Lexa’s cheeks were now fully flushed. “Thank you”

“Come on. I’m gonna show you where you’ll have to wait” Bellamy showed her the “secret chamber”. “We added an armchair. You should be comfortable and Echo will check on you regularly. We’ll let you know when it’s Clarke’s turn”

Lexa just nodded. She opened the door of the storage room and took a deep breath.


	10. Chapter five : Deep breath, Clarke's side

Clarke spent her Thursday and Friday rehearsing with her band but they all decided to go out and relax on Saturday. They went to the aquarium. Witch was probably not a good idea because the already over-excited blonde loved aquariums.

“Hey, hey Raven ! Look ! Look at this one !”

“Clarke…” said Raven in a sigh, face palming for the hundredth time since they entered the place one hour earlier “It’s a bass. A simple, edible bass”

“Yeah but it’s so huuuuge !”

“Clarke please stop touching aquarium walls, it’s dirty”

“Sorry O. but my hands are clean”

“No. You touched EVERY aquarium we saw since we entered. You have the most polluted hands in this whole place. Do you have any idea how many people did the same thing before you ?”

Clarke wanted to answer but nothing came out. So she pouted. Monty on another hand seemed really happy. He loved photography. And aquariums were just perfect to take beautiful shots. Jasper was stuck in front of another aquarium, inventing dialogues for the sharks. Out loud. A bunch of children had grouped together around him to listen to his stories.

“Hey, O. how old do you think she is ?”

“She ?” Clarke pointed to something in the aquarium “Clarke it’s a turtle, how can you tell she is a female ?”

“She has kind eyes”

Raven’s right hand seemed glued to her forehead by now. Octavia took a deep breath “Clarke. First : he- its eyes are not kinder than any other turtle’s eyes. Second : kindness is not a criterion when it comes to turtles’ sexualizing. And third : how in hell would I know about its age ?”

“True” Clarke made a face, then she smiled again grabbing her friends’ hands.

“And where are we going now ?” asked Raven, fearing the worst.

“Dolphins !” Raven was right.

 

They exited the Aquarium around 1pm. They decided to go eat at Emily’s family restaurant.

“Ah seriously, penguins, aren’t they the cutest things ever ?” asked Clarke, looking at her friends.

Raven rolled her eyes “Yeah yeah”

“Careful Clarke, if you don’t shut up about the aquarium really soon, I’m gonna tell Christa you cheated on her with a bird”

Clarke laughed then faked a pout “Yes mom”

“Good”

“Hi everyone ! What will it be today ?”

“Emily ! Hi !” Said Jasper before lowering her voice “Who is it ?”

Emily looked at the person Jasper was pointing “This is Maya. She is new here”

“She’s cute…”

“Stop dreaming kid” said Raven punching the back of his head.

Emily laughed and took the orders. Ten minutes later, Maya approached their table.

“For whom was the steak and French fries ?” Jasper swallowed and raised his hand timidly. She smiled at him. “And the omelet ?” it was Octavia’s turn to raise her hand. “Coming back in a moment”

When Maya finally disappeared in the kitchen, Jasper got out of his thoughts “She looked at me…”

“Of course dumbass, she’s a waitress and she gave you your plate”

“Don’t be so mean O. I think she’s interested”

“By the tip you’ll leave for her ? I bet she is”

“Raven, Octavia I hate you both”

 “Please no fights” said Clarke

“But they’re mean… Monty you could defend your best f-“ Jasper stopped mid-sentence. Monty, in his world, was silently looking at the photos he had just taken.

“Sorry you asked something ?” Jasper pouted for real and Monty blinked at Clarke.

 

“Christa ! Mommy is back !”

“For god’s sake Clarke STOP treating her as your child. She’s spoiled enough as it is”

“Don’t listen to grumpy auntie Raven, you’re the baby of your momma !” she said, taking the delighted cat in her arms.

Octavia rolled her eyes. Clarke was crazy. Just crazy “I’m sorry Clarke but I’m not here to look at you making out with your cat”

“Ew Octavia you’re gross !” she covered Christa’s ears “Don’t pay attention. Octavia’s just jealous of us !”

Octavia huffed “Ok this is going to far. I’m going home”

“Please O don’t let me deal with Clarke all alone while choosing her clothes for tomorrow…”

Octavia hesitated, her gaze alternating between Clarke in her “lover’ arms” and a pleading Raven. “Ok but that’s only because I pity you”

“Thank you O. I won’t forget !”

“Yeah, yeah, I know” she answered looking at her nails “Ok Clarke” she clapped her hands to have Clarke’s attention “Closet, now !” Clarke raised an eyebrow. Octavia rolled her eyes “Ok, bad pun. I got it. Now can we just choose something for you to wear ?”

Clarke laughed and finally obeyed.

 

Three hours later, they had finally picked a set of clothes, a hairstyle and make-up.

“Six pm. Sorry guys, gotta go or Bell will kill me”

“See you O.”

“Tomorrow lil sis” said Raven as her friend was exiting her apartment.

“So. What are we doing ?”

“I don’t know. Pizza/movie night ?”

“Yeah cool. What movie ?” Raven started to fear the worst again when she saw the angelic smile on Clarke’s face. “No please not an anime again…”

“Pretty please !”

“Let me guess… Princess Mononoke”

“Don’t grumble I know you like this movie too”

“Clarke. We watched it so many times that I can totally recite it by memory”

“But it may be our last Princess Mononoke watching together… I love how you’re always cheering when Ashitaka cuts off heads…”

Clarke’s puppy eyes were one of Raven’s weak points “Right. But I’ll choose a movie to watch after this one”

“Whatever you want”

“To love a mocking bird”

“No.” Clarke’s smile dropped.

“Ok that was mean I’m sorry. Zombies ?”

“Better” she answered with a smile.

 

Clarke was so excited before going to bed that Raven put a little something in her drink, to, you know, help her relax.

A dream woke the blonde up around 10am. An old dream. A dream she hadn’t had in a while. A field in summer. A picnic. A family. It had been a memory at some point. But it was so distant now. It just felt like a familiar, blurry dream.

_I miss her so much…_

She stayed in her bed, just staring at nothing for a while. Then she stood and checked on Raven’s room. She was still asleep. Clarke smiled and headed to the bathroom.

 

*KNOCK KNOCK*

“Clarke please, you’ve been in there for years get out !”

“Just a minute” Clarke exited the bathroom, a towel wrapped around her.

“What were you doing in there !?”

“Not your business”

“If you don’t give me precisions really soon I’m gonna start thinking about something perverted and won’t enter this bathroom ever again”

“Raven you’re gross. I was just… Staring at the mirror…” Raven paused. Then entered the bathroom without looking at Clarke. “Hey ! Aren’t you gonna say something ?” said the blond grabbing her friend’s shoulder.

“What do you want me to say ? That I obviously prefer to shower in a room you did perverted things in than spending one more second in your crazy company ?”

Clarke pushed Raven in the bathroom and closed the door “Fuck you Raven !” She headed to her room, then returned to the bathroom door and yelled “And for the last time, NOTHING happened in this fucking bathroom !”

“What you say honey”

Clarke was ready to kill her roommate when the phone rang.

“Hi Bell”

“Hey ! You girls ready ? Coming for you in an hour”

“Holy fuck… RAVEN ! Bell’s here in an hour”

“Oh Clarke… Don’t tell me you’re not ready…”

“Um… We will be, don’t worry, just need to… get dressed, bye !” and she hung up.

 

At 2:45 PM, Bell’s car was parked and they were waiting inside.

“Are you ready guys ?”

“Bell, I think I can’t stand…”

“Of course you can. Guys, could you get out and wait for us inside ?”

Octavia, Jasper, Raven and Monty got out of the car.

“Clarke, I want you to know that, whatever happens today, I’m proud of you”

“I know” she said looking in right front of her.

“I have a surprise for you” He grabbed his car keys and placed them in Clarke’s palm “Keep these with you the whole time”

Clarke frowned “Why ?”

Bellamy smiled “You’ll understand. Eventually”

Both exited the car.

Clarke opened the door of the bar and took a deep breath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, Ladies and Gentlemen, the chapter you're waiting for is near !
> 
> SPOILER ALERT : the name is "The audition" (well if I get inspired it might change but... you know what I mean)
> 
> I hope you liked these pas two chapters. They look more like short stories with only one purpose : making you wait. And it's true. Kind of. I could have made them shorter but... it was funnier this way ;D tell me what you thought !
> 
> Like always, thanks for reading !


	11. Chapter six : The audition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so your comments and kudos, and everything got me really motivated and I managed to write this chapter faster than I thought. Well it wrote itself on its own will actually...  
> I tried to give the impression that things were happening at the same time on both parts. I tried to connect my double narration. I hope it worked.  
> It's time for a game ! Will you be able to recognize every song lyrics I used ? (And no google !)
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter ;)

Clarke’s heart was beating like crazy in her chest and she was certain her friends felt the same. When they called for her band her heart skipped a beat. It was time. When she got onstage, she spotted Bellamy and Liyam in the crowd. Her eyes quickly searched for other familiar faces. She found Finn, Mrs. Hoffman and Kane. She smiled and started talking.

 

 

No need for Echo to enter the storage room for Lexa to know. It was the fourth band. The Arkers. And her voice. She was saying things about why this audition was important for her but Lexa didn’t understand a thing. Her heart was beating fast. Butterflies had made their come back. And her body temperature rose in an instant. She needed air. This closet was suffocating. She stood and rested her hand on the doorknob. She took a deep breath and pushed.

 

 

After her little speech (she had worked on and prepared for like a little girl before a presentation), Clarke was finally ready to sing. Her eyes were on the ground while Jasper’s beat and Octavia’s guitar could be heard. She started clapping in her hands. Accompanied by Monty’s organ, she lifted her head and sang.

_Little girl_

_You like it loud_

_Come alive in the middle of the crowd_

_You wanna scream_

_You wanna shout_

_Get excited when the lights go down_

 

 

When she opened the door, the lights of the stage dazzled her. She blinked a few times. When she finally recovered, she saw her. Lexa’s eyes followed the lines of her body from her red Doc Martins, to her tight and torn black pants. Then she noticed her bare stomach and her blue bra. And the blue jacket… Her eyes shyly detailed the singer’s face : perfect blood red lips and beautiful eyes encircled with black and blue. Her hair was tightly braided on the left side and loose and wild on the other. The last time she had seen her she had barely looked at her. But now she could take her time, she had came here for that. Clarke was so different… Lexa’s heart clenched hard at the realisation but she was still enticed, like hypnotized by the girl she was discovering.

 

Clarke had started her second song. But at the chorus she noticed the white silhouette.

 

_And as I watch you disappear into the ground_

_My one mistake was I never let you down_

 

 

She noticed the white figure. Light on stage kept her to distinguish her perfectly but for some reason she couldn’t stop looking.

 

 

Lexa got disturbed for a moment. The blonde had directly looked at her. For a moment she wondered if she had seen her. Probably not. It was a coincidence

 

 

_So I’ll waste my time and I’ll burn my mind_

_On miss nothing, miss everything_

 

 

And Clarke kept staring at her. But Lexa was sure of it. It would be impossible for the singer to recognize her. Or maybe…

 

 

Clarke had to look at each and every person in this small bar so she decided she would have some more time to give to this mysterious woman during the next song. Talking about the next song, the jury asked her to play rock n’ roll. It asked for a classic, _Satisfaction_ by the rolling stones. It was so obvious, so easy that it scared her. But she sang it like she was used to.

 

 

Lexa was concentrated on the Blonde’s lips, her hands on the mic, her hips and feet following the beat without effort, but she still managed to recognize the song. She smiled. She heard Anya’s distant voice telling her “My poor little sister… Gustus forgot you in the seventies…”

 

 

Clarke was on the verge of singing her fifth song when it hit her. _Lexa…_

 

_Make it rain_

_To rinse me out_

_In the cold I die_

_In the spring I sprout_

 

Lexa noticed the spark in Clarke’s eyes. Their eyes connected for a second before the singer directed her gaze to the crowd again. _Impossible..._

 

_My fire is wild_

_My rage is deep_

_One black eye_

_Busted teeth_

_Feel my fury !_

 

 

Clarke locked eyes (or what she thought was her eyes) with the woman in a white dress again. She couldn’t see her face but… She was sure of it. It was Lexa. Maybe just a creation of her mind but still Lexa. Lexa in a white dress, sitting in the dark on a stool, like a ghost from her past. A ghost she had wished to meet for so long. Then the jury asked for Clarke’s song.

 

 

The music started slow. It was meant to be a love song after all. And Clarke sang.

 

 

_Alone in my bed I’m waiting_

_For you to call in the morning_

_But then I cry and realize_

_That all I’ll get is the sunrise_

_Forever here and yet so far_

_You are like all the other stars_

_You are concrete yet fantasy_

_This paradox is agony_

 

_Lexa please, even if you’re just in my mind, Look at me !_

She thought, her eyes never leaving those of her ghost.

 

 

_Oh it hurts !_

_‘cause every time I call your name_

_I wish that you would do the same_

_I know that you’re real but it seems_

_That I am in love with a dream_

Every words hurt Lexa. Her core was screaming, she wanted to run away but those eyes kept her in place.

_Please Clarke, let me go…_

 

 

_You have no idea I exist_

_All of this started when we kissed_

_Under this tree so long ago_

_With our faces covered in snow_

_We promised each other future_

_But all I obtained was torture_

 

_Lexa look at me ! Don’t you dare run away again !_

Clarke was impressive. She was better than ever. It was hard for her friend to follow the fire inside her, to keep up with her emotions.

 

_And it hurts_

_‘cause every time I call your name_

_I wish that you would do the same_

_I know that you’re real but it seems_

_That I am in love with a dream_

 

 

It was hard. It was sad. It was harsh. The song was dedicated to her. Every syllable was sinking into Lexa like nothing before.  

_What have I done…_

_You said parting was for the best_

_That always I’ll stay in your chest_

_But all I know about you now_

_Is what media release somehow_

_You’re in heaven, I’m on the ground_

_Your world is never to be found_

_By such a normal girl like me_

_Now y’stand in light far from our tree_

 

A memory hit Clarke.

Lexa saw a tree.

Clarke felt the snow.

Lexa, the tears.

Clarke remembered Lexa’s eyes.

Lexa’s hand rose to her mouth, a finger trailing her lips.

_See ? it hurts_

_‘cause every time I call your name_

_I wish that you would do the same_

_I know that you’re real but it seems_

_That I am in love with a dream_

 

 

 

Clarke had sweat on her forehead and tears in her eyes when the song stopped. The crowd waited a moment in silent admiration before clapping hands.

It’s the sound of hands clapping that dragged Lexa out of her thoughts. She grabbed her coat and bag before running to the exit door as fast as her trembling body permitted her.

Clarke saw the ghost stand, and run.

Lexa had only made one or two steps outside when she felt a grip on her wrist.

 

“Lexa, wait !”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ? What do you think ? Good ? Not good ? Too short or too long ? Too sappy maybe ?
> 
> Please, let me hear your thoughts !
> 
> like always, thanks you for reading and for your support !


	12. Chapter seven : Ten years ago

“Lexa, wait !”

Their hurried footsteps were crushing the snow.

“Please Lexa tell me !”

The brunette stopped in her track and turned back to look at the girl that was running behind her “It’s that… scumbag !”

“What ?” Clarke frowned. It wasn’t usual for Lexa to use such harsh words “Who ?”

“My dad ! He finally remembered he had daughters and he wants us back !” she yelled looking at the white snowy sky.

The blonde’s heart skipped a beat “Ok Lexa” she cupped her best friend’s face in her cold hands “Tell me what happened. From the beginning”

The pure white of the sky, the ground and even their coats was making Clarke’s eyes appear more blue than never and Lexa drowned herself in them for a moment before taking a few deep breaths. She put her hands on Clarke’s and closed her eyes “My dad called Anya. He want us to return to L.A. and live with him” Lexa paused and took a step back. “You know he’s the reason we came here in the first place right ?” Clarke nodded. She opened her mouth but Lexa cut her, her eyes watering in rage and despair. “He fucking hit me Clarke ! And he killed our mother !”

“He didn’t kill your mother Lexa. She was sick”

“But he NEVER came to see her at the hospital !” Acid tears were burning Lexa’s cold flushed cheeks “She loved him with her whole being ‘till her last breath and he NEVER came !”

“I’m sure he had his reaso-”

“No ! Nothing can explain what he did !” She paused “And it’s also my fault, he never loved me ! He started to be distant the moment I was born ! The only photo I have of us together had been taken when I was five and it was for a fucking magazine !”

“Lexa, it is definitely not your fault” Lexa started to walk fast without a goal again and Clarke followed.

Lexa’s shoulders fell “He left us Clarke. He was rarely at home. And when my mom got cancer he stopped coming back” Lexa stopped her feet again and froze, looking at the ground “I was only ten but I remember. My mom calling his name. She couldn’t even recognize her own daughters but she kept calling his name…” She lifted her head to look at her best friend “And it haunts me Clarke. I can hear her pleas at night” Lexa’s shoulders started to tense again and shake. Her voice was merely a whisper “I… I hate him. He never came… She was waiting for him and he never came…”

Clarke couldn’t say anything. All she could do was take her broken Lexa in her arms, hoping to sooth her pain, calm her rage.

“Then Anya got pregnant. He didn’t want her to keep the baby because she was only 19. But it was too late. I saw them argue. I was watching him crushing her. And he said mom’s name. I contradicted him without thinking and he hit me” Lexa finally hugged Clarke’s back, her whole body tense and shaking and cold.

“Can’t Anya take care of you ? She’s an adult now right ?” tried Clarke, desperately searching for an exit, a way for her friend to escape.

Lexa shook her head “She tried. She can’t adopt me or ask for my custody without him agreeing”

“And there’s no way to force him to ?”

“No. He’s rich. Anya’s poor and unemployed. Justice doesn’t give a fuck about anything else”

Little by little Clarke’s heart became heavier. Everything was starting to be real and unbearably unavoidable.

“Gustus ?”

Lexa stepped back with a bitter laugh “For him Gustus is not even a person. His daughter is in love with him but he just DOESN’T care”

It became more difficult for Clarke to talk as her throat was tightening with every cold breath piercing her aching lungs and the realisation of what all of this meant. She asked anyway, perfectly knowing what the answer would be “What are you going to do ?”

The flow of Lexa’s tears intensified and the breath the girl took before talking burnt her throat “I’m moving. Two weeks”

Clarke swallowed a sob “And Anya ?”

Lexa’s voice was trembling. She fell on her knees and stared at her hands on her lap “She’s coming too. She’s coming for me”

Both girls tried to hold their sobs, to be strong, be adults but they failed. A moment later they were crying. Silently. One kneeled, eyes on the ground, the other standing facing the sky. Long minutes passed. Then Lexa stood, clenching her fists. She lifted her head and connected her raging eyes with the blue watery ones in front of her. The emotions in Lexa’s eyes physically hurt Clarke.

“I swear !” her jaw tensed “I won’t let him lay a single finger on Liyam. NEVER”

Clarke took Lexa’s fists in her hands, slowly, carefully opening them, rubbing her thumb on their palms, trying to erase the red, bleeding nails marks. She leaned her forehead on her best friend’s and closed her eyes. Clarke didn’t like that. So much anger within her most precious person… But if hating her father was Lexa’s way out then she’d let her. Even if she have to suffer because of it, she’d let her best friend hate her own father.

They stayed like that for a while. Then Clarke turned back, keeping Lexa’s right hand in her own. “Let’s go home”

 

 

 

Lexa pushed Clarke. And she fell, face in the snow.

“Got you !” she said laughing. One of these nervous crazy unstoppable laugh that make you grip your stomach.

Clarke lifted her head, stood slowly, took some snow in her hands. She threw the snowball to Lexa.

“Ouch !”

“Headshot !” Clarke said, a few steps away from her now slightly shocked best friend.

“Come here young lady ! I won’t say it twice !”

“Or else what ? Spanking ?”

“Oh please I want to punish you, not reward you. You’re grounded !”

“Only if you can catch me !” she answered, sticking her tongue out. Then she started running, Lexa on her heels.

The brunette finally caught her a few meters away. They both fell in the snow, laughing. Lexa got up a little to leave some space to her friend. The blonde was giggling like a little girl under her and Lexa was loudly trying to catch her breath (running had never been her favourite activity). Both had a wide playful grin on their faces, the same one that children have when they’re about to do something stupid or wrong.

Then slowly, both their smiles faded. In their place, an indescribable expression that neither of them clearly understood.

Then Clarke noticed. She noticed the sharpness in Lexa’s gaze and how her eyes flickered to quickly look at her lips.

Lexa too noticed. Noticed Clarke’s wonderful, permissive, allowing, blue eyes and the subtle, almost imperceptible nod.

Lexa leaned down. And everything around them froze in time and space. Even snowflakes seemed suspended, stopped in their tracks by an invisible force.

Their lips stayed connected for what felt like years.

Then Lexa raised herself on all fours again. She stared at Clarke’s eyes for a few long seconds before sitting on her heels, her right hand on her mouth at the sudden realisation, looking at everything that was not the girl lying under her. Clarke’s lips had been cold on her own, but Lexa had never felt so warm inside. Then she stood, turning her back to the blonde.

“I’ll talk to my dad. Convince him to let us stay here”

An instant later, Clarke’s body was glued to Lexa’s back, arms tightly wrapped around her waist

The brunette could feel her warm breath on the nape of her neck. Clarke whispered “Stay.”

Lexa took a deep breath, ignoring Clarke’s plea “If he doesn’t let me then I’ll run away. I’ll come back for you” her voice started to tremble “Find a job. Buy you a house. And if he comes after me then I’ll run away again, with you”

Clarke tightened her grip, hurting Lexa’s ribs. She shook her head and buried her face in the nape of Lexa’s neck.

Hot tears were running down Lexa’s cheeks, echoing the wetness she was feeling on her neck. “And we’ll have cats. Two” She paused. Breathed. And straightening she said “I’m leaving tomorrow but I’ll be back soon. It’s just a goodbye, a short one. I promise. You trust me right ?”

Lexa felt Clarke’s arms leaving her ribs to gently take her hands. She felt her nod against her back with a small, “yes” that came out as weak, painful moan.

They stayed like that for a while. The snow slowly changed into rain and Lexa grabbed Clarke’s left hand, her gaze focused in front of her.

“Let’s go home”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ? Is it what you expected ? is it better ? Is it worse ? 
> 
> Anyway it was hard to write. So hard to hold back my natural romantism and sappiness...


	13. Chapter eight : Crossed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are ! Finally I can write a dialogue with these two !
> 
> I don't know if you'll like it but I spent one night rewriting it in my head, judging every single possibility and this one was the most realistic one. For me at least.
> 
> I hope you'll like it !

“Lexa, wait !”

Lexa froze. She closed her eyes, trying to find in herself the courage to look back.

Clarke noticed the trembling in the hand she was holding and the single tear on Lexa’s cheek as she was turning to look at her.

They stared at each other like that for a moment. Then, goose bumps on Lexa’s skin pulled Clarke out of her thoughts. It was cold outside. And she remembered. She tightened her grip on Lexa’s wrist and dragged her on the other side of the street. She took Bellamy’s car keys out of her pocket and opened the door.

“Jump in”

Lexa’s brain was struggling to process the whole situation. So she just obeyed without thinking. Out of reflex.

Clarke had left her parking lot five long minutes ago when she looked back at Lexa for the first time since they entered the car. And she was amazed. Sure the silhouette she had seen earlier in the dark seemed elegant but this… Lexa was wearing a long, white dress. It had an impressive low-cut and the girl’s back was bare. The dress was splitting on one side letting Lexa’s crossed legs show, legs extended by high heeled black suede sandals. Clarke swallowed and remembered to look at the road soon enough to notice the dog crossing the street. It scared her a little and she decided that it might be a good idea not to kill anything tonight and look at the road instead of the beauty sitting next to her.

Lexa felt uneasy. Ten minutes spent in this unknown car without a word. She was looking outside without looking at anything. The time just felt frozen, like the whole town falling asleep around them. It took everything she had in her to finally talk “Where are we going ?”

Clarke jumped in surprise “Um…” she hadn’t thought about it. Her plan was just “kidnapping Lexa” Clarke then said the first thing that crossed her mind “My apartment”

Lexa coughed. From every place in the world it HAD to be Clarke’s apartment. But now that she was thinking about it, after these past, weird, painful, surreal, “out of this world” weeks it almost made sense.

Clarke cleared her voice “So, um… You’re in town huh ?”

_Shit Clarke you idiot ! Your first words in ten years and all you have to say is “you’re in town ?” I’m a fucking idiot !_

Lexa a little startled at first answered fixing a dirt in the windscreen “Well yes. I arrived three weeks ago. We’re here to film a movie called : Yu gon-“

“-plei ste odon. I know” Lexa finally looked at Clarke, mouth agape. The blonde realized that her enthusiasm might not be appropriated “No ! I mean, TV mentioned the name so…”

The brunette waited a moment before answering “Of course.”

Followed twenty minutes of silence and Clarke finally parked the car.

“We’re here”

Lexa opened the door and got out of the car putting her coat on, not forgetting her small, black purse. She had to be ready to leave anytime. Clarke guided her in the building. After three floors she finally opened a door.

“Please hurry, I don’t want Christa to go out”

Lexa frowned but obeyed. Christa ran to her feet then stopped suddenly, an “I don’t know you” expression on her face. Lexa felt oddly relieved to see that Christa wasn’t Clarke’s unknown child.

“Come on baby, don’t bother momma’s friend” said Clarke lifting her cat in her arms. “I’m sorry, she’s not used to strangers”

Ok maybe it was Clarke’s child after all…It took Lexa a second or two to get out of her almost delight at the surreal scene that happened in front of her eyes.

“No big deal. I have a cat too so…”

“Really ? What’s its name ?”

“Ymir”

“Cool name” she said smiling, putting Christa down on the couch. “Um… you’re not really… You seem cold so… You can go put on some of my clothes if you want… Just choose whatever you want !”

Lexa didn’t know why. She didn’t know what was keeping her from running away because the situation was getting way out of hand. But before she had time to protest, Clarke had relieved her from her coat and bag and pushed her in her room, shutting the door.

About ten minutes later, Lexa reappeared in the living room, wearing one of Clarke’s torn black jeans and a T-shirt with a skull on it.

Clarke held back a laugh. It suited her more than she thought.

“What are you doing ?” asked Lexa raising an eyebrow.

“Oh ! This ?” Clarke was kneeled, the content of Lexa’s bag scattered on the ground, an envelope in her hands “I… I was just-“ she sighed “Christa made it fall and I was putting your things back in and I got nosy. Sor-“

“Open it” said the brunette, leaning on Clarke’s room’s doorframe.

Clarke carefully opened the envelope. In it, an old polaroid photograph. A family picnic, a sunny memory, a happy moment somehow kept alive by a piece of paper. Clarke smiled. “So it was you ? You were the one having it. We wondered for a while with Anya” The blonde lifted her head and plunged in Lexa’s eyes “You had it on you all this time ?”

“Oh no. Just these past two weeks. I found it in an old box and I wanted to give it to Anya but I forgot” Lexa paused. She felt Clarke’s gaze mentally undressing her, seeking truth. “Ok I didn’t forget. I think I just… I couldn’t give it away. I mean Gustus is on it so, you know…”

Clarke wanted Lexa to admit something, to spit out her thoughts and she would do everything she could to achieve her goal.

“I looked at something personal. I shouldn’t have. You can look at whatever you want in my room if you want”

Lexa wasn’t the type to rummage among someone else’s stuff but Clarke’s suggestion sounded like an order. She got back in Clarke’s room and detailed everything. No stuffed animals, no rock singer posters, no drawings. Just tons of paper scattered all around and a guitar in a corner. Then she recognized the old toy box. She looked at the blond. Clarke nodded and Lexa opened the box. Her eyes widened. She traced every DVD box edges with her fingers. Then her hand fell on one of the albums. She took it out. In it, dozen of articles talking about Lexa Wilde or even just mentioning her name. She took out another album. Photos of Clarke and her family, Clarke and her friends, Clarke and Lexa…

Clarke was watching at Lexa’s back as the brunette was touching and manipulating every pages like these albums were the most precious things in the world. She was sure about it now. Lexa hadn’t changed.

Then Lexa noticed “You… Why are all the DVD box still wrapped up ?”

Clarke squatted next to her “I never watched them”

The other girl frowned “Why ?”

“You were in it.”

Lexa’s gaze left Clarke’s to absently look inside the box again “Why buying it then ?”

“You were in it.”

Lexa was perplexed. But she understood at least one thing. She stood and started pacing. “These things in your box, and your song tonight… Clarke I’m so sorry”

It wasn’t really the conclusion Clarke wanted but it was a good beginning “For what ?”

“Cursing you”

“A curse ?” said the blonde tilting her head.

“Yes. Shouldn’t have kissed you that day” at that Clarke stood. “It was nothing but a fucking curse !” she yelled.

“Lexa no, that’s no-“

“Clarke” blue met green “I promised things, making you hope but in the end I never came back ! I abandoned you Clarke…” Lexa was burning, realizing for the first time “I’m exactly like my dad… The only thing I’m good at is run away !”

*SLAP*

Clarke slapped her. Not so hard but hard enough. The blonde took a deep breath “Listen. You’re nothing like your father. And even if you acted like him at some point, tonight, you stayed”

Lexa was standing a hand on her cheek, aback. Something broke inside her.

_I knew it… She hate me…_

“Lexa” Clarke sighed “You listened to my song right ? MY song ? At the bar ? Earlier ?”

Lexa nodded. Clarke grabbed her shoulders, forcing the actress to look at her.

“What was that about ?”

It was hard but Lexa managed to articulate enough to say one word “Us”

“Ok but what else ?”

These three words were easier to voice “I hurt you”

Clarke rolled her eyes “Yeah, obviously. But there’s something else. Think.”

Lexa searched. Scanned her memory looking for something. She tried to see things differently. But all she could see was suffering, or hurt feelings, or sadness.

Clarke grabbed the lyrics resting on her desk and placed the paper in Lexa’s hands. “Read. Out loud”

Lexa hesitated. Her eyes alternated a few times between Clarke’s eyes and the scribbled paper in her hands. But then she read. “Alone in my bed I’m waiting, For you to call in the morning, But then I cry and realize, That all I’ll get is the sunrise” Words were burning her throat but she forced herself. She’d do what Clarke wanted her to do. She owed her that “Forever here and yet so far, You are like all the other stars, You are concrete yet fantasy, This paradox is agony” Lexa had to pause. To breath. To cry out what was raging inside her. But she stayed silent.

“Further. You’re almost there, come on”

Clarke’s voice was surprisingly warm and comforting but at the same time, expecting, waiting for something. “Oh it hurts, ‘cause every time I call your name, I wish that you would do the same, I know that you’re real but it seems, That I am in love with a dream”

“Yes ! That’s it ! You get it now ?” Clarke’s smile dropped slowly in front of the incomprehension in Lexa’s eyes. Clarke sighed “Last line. Fourth and fifth words” She turned and sat on the ground a few meters away, leaning her back on her bed.

“Oh…” Lexa felt a little lighter but nothing was making sense anymore. She didn’t understand “Why ? Why do you not hate me ? I left you behind, I lied to you. Why ?”

Without looking at her, Clarke patted the ground next to her. Lexa sat like Clarke, back against the bed. “I hated you. At first. After you left, I made a nervous breakdown. It lasted six months”

At that Lexa opened her mouth to talk but Clarke cut her “Let me finish. After six months I realized that I had become tired of my own tiredness, a weight on my friend’s and family’s shoulders. I had become someone I hated. So I ended it. I got a new haircut, bought new clothes and forced myself to lie and smile. I did all I could to make this lie come true. And it worked. After a year I happened to read an article. Your name was mentioned. And I still don’t know why I cut it and kept it. Little by little I realized. I just couldn’t hate you” Tears were running down Clarke’s cheeks. She turned to meet Lexa’s eyes “I loved you” Clarke swallowed a sob, wiped her cheeks and stared back at the floor. “Love and hate are the exact same thing. But it’s up to you to choose the one you want. And I chose to love you. For ten years I loved you and hated you then loved you again and again. But the thing is that… I never stopped thinking about you”

Lexa couldn’t say anything. She was so sure Clarke hated her. She had spent the past ten years punishing herself. For ending her relationship with the one she loved, for leaving the one she loved behind, for hurting the one she loved and for making promises she couldn’t keep. When finally she thought Clarke would release her from her culpability by hating her and punishing her herself, she just told her she loved her. Lexa felt frustrated and sad and happy and so many other things that she was physically suffering from it. But she had to answer. She’d stop running away “That kiss. My promises. My feelings. Everything was nothing but a curse. The thing is that… Until tonight, I thought I was the only one suffering from it” Somehow all of her feelings lightened when her eyes met Clarke’s smile.

Clarke fully turned to her, resting her elbow on the bed and leaning her cheek on her hand “A lot of things changed in ten years”

Lexa released a little laugh “For sure. I barely recognized you tonight. You used to be the calm, wise one”

Clarke paused and with a smile she added “Mom always thought you had a bad influence on me”

“Talking about your mother. There’s no doubt, you really are her daughter”

Clarke frowned “Why ?”

“I met her the other day, at the hospital. And she slapped me on the face. Same cheek as you actually”

Clarke laughed “Well, she never liked you from the beginning. But the fact that you broke her daughter’s heart probably helped” Clarke laughed again and a thought stopped her “Wait, the hospital ? Why ? What were you doing there ?”

“Oh. Nothing. One night I was feeling sad, and hurt and I punched a wall”

“Really wise and adult”

Lexa huffed “It’s almost healed anyway. The doctor Kane is a good man”

“A good man indeed. And maybe my future step-dad”

“Really ? I’m happy for your mother”

“Yeah well I can’t see myself calling him dad”

“Of course he’s not your dad”

Lexa rested the back of her head on the bed and closed her eyes. She sighed “I fucked up really bad huh ?” with that simple statement, she breathed out all her feelings.

“You mean, promising you’d come back but never did or bonding me to you with a kiss ? Because none of these are true” Lexa looked at Clarke, questioning again. The blonde was definitely hard to follow. “Technically, today you came back and you had fallen in love with me twelve years ago so that kiss was nothing.”

Lexa thought for a minute before laughing. A true laugh.

“And look, you even kept your other promises, you have a work and we even have two cats ! Now all we need is a house”

The actress calmed down and raised an eyebrow “One house ? That’s all ? Cause I have enough saved for ten”

Clarke punched Lexa’s shoulder “Don’t brag ! The world know you’re rich ! Seriously just look at that” she nodded to the dress “How much did it cost you ?”

“Actually ? Not so much. I bought it a long time ago and almost forgot it was here”

Clarke smiled “I used to be the one wearing dresses”

“Tonight was an exception. I didn’t want to be recognized”

“You’re lying again. Come on, say it”

When Clarke entered her personal space, Lexa noticed her own, incredibly fast heartbeat. She swallowed, trying to focus on anything that was not the blond on her right.

Clarke whispered “Say it Lexa. For whom did you dressed tonight”

Lexa closed her eyes, ignoring Clarke’s warm breath caressing her ear “For you”

Lexa waited, eyes closed. She was waiting for a touch, a word, a sound, anything. But nothing came. When she opened her eyes, Clarke was sitting in front of her, arms crossed.

“Don’t you have something else to say ?”

Lexa wanted to. To be honest. To talk. But words were stuck in her throat. She had repeated these three words so many times in her dreams and thoughts these past ten years so why was it so hard ?

“I know this is hard for you. The last time I waited two years for you to admit it but I would appreciate that, as an adult, you release these three little words tonight”

Clarke’s smile made Lexa realize something. All this drama, all this seriousness… It was silly. She realized how much she felt comfortable despite the storm of feelings raging inside her. She realized how much Clarke’s presence was calming and normal. She felt at home.

“Why does it seems so easy with you ? Why does it feels so natural ?” she asked shaking her head.

“I don’t know. A proof I’m the one ?”

Lexa laughed. Clarke used to be an hesitant kid, but now she was so confident “I made us loose ten years”

“I’m not sure about that. Maybe ten years were the exact amount of time we needed in the end. When you were young your father kept you away and finally adult you had your career to deal with. Maybe settling our lives first was the best thing to do ?”

Lexa then extended her arms in front of her like a child as thick tears were running down her cheeks. “Clarke” she sobbed, breathed, smiled and sighed. “I love you”

Clarke took her in her arms as Lexa was breaking apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ? How was it ? Probably not what you expected.  
> I tried to make them argue, cry, hit things, and pretty much everything but it just didn't worked because these two are adults. I think adults have a less brutal way to express themselves in this type of situation. This chapter came out of that.
> 
> What do you think ?
> 
> In any case, as always thank you for reading o/


	14. Chapter nine : Challenge ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so this chapter is really short but it's just a transition. I have three other chapters ready, just waiting to be corrected by Callysto. I think I'll update in a few hours. 
> 
> Please enjoy and tell me what you think ;3

When Lexa woke up, something was wrong. Not the birds chirping outside. Not the fact that she wasn’t in her room. Not the fact that her whole body felt sore and her throat dry. No. What felt wrong was the warm and breathing thing literally wrapped around her. Clarke’s arms were around her waist and she had captured one of Lexa’s legs with her own.

Fully awake, Lexa tried to remember. But everything was blurry. She tried her best to disentangle herself without waking the blonde. But Clarke’s sleep seemed as deep as ever. She just groaned and rolled on her side. Lexa smiled. She decided to go explore the apartment and find the bathroom. She opened the door slowly and carefully to keep the light from disturbing the blonde. Her eyes left Clarke to meet those of Raven in the entry. She had a pancake in her mouth and was apparently putting on her shoe. Both girls froze. Lexa realised that all she was wearing were her panties and Clarke’s T-shirt. They stayed like that, immobile, silent. Both thought “I shouldn’t have witnessed that” but Raven was exulting inside : she’d definitely tease her friend later. Lexa on her side was (mentally) swearing furiously.

Then Lexa, eyes still locked with Raven’s rapidly closed the door, the rest of her body still immobile as stone.

Clarke rubbed her eyes “Lexa ? Something wrong ?”

Lexa, chasing what just happened out of her mind, couldn’t hold back her smile. The sight was both funny, nostalgic and cute. Clarke’s bed hair was always priceless. Especially when it had been braided. She looked like a lion.

“No nothing wrong” She paused and sat on the bed near the blonde with her messy hair. Then she frowned “I hope…”

“You look weird ? You sure you ok ?”

“Yeah” and she thought “Actually no. What happened yesterday ? Did we… ?”

Still-half-asleep-Clarke sighed and scratched the back of her head “I wish. No you just cried for twenty minutes non-stop and fell asleep in my arms. You’re heavier than you look by the way”

Lexa blushed. She felt like an idiot. She cleared her throat and averted her eyes “Can I use your bathroom ?”

Clarke yawned “Be my guest”

Lexa exited the room leaving Clarke alone.

_“I wish” Pfff I can say some really shitty things sometimes…_

Clarke slowly stood and dressed with the first pants and T-shirt she could find. When she entered the living room, she found Lexa on the couch.

Only seeing her back Clarke approached her “Hey, Lexa what are you-“

The blonde found herself split in two. One part of her was absolutely delighted to see her baby cuddling with Lexa. Another part of her was jealous. She didn’t know of whom though and it was bothering her.

Lexa turned to her with a smile “She’s sweet. Ymir is so distant and rough and probably a sadist so she scare everyone. Christa is really cute”

It was enough for Clarke “Don’t you have work today ?” she said, heading to the kitchen.

“In the afternoon. What time is it ?”

“10 AM”

Lexa stood “I have to go home and prepare”

“What ? You can shower here if you want”

Lexa smiled “ Your clothes aren’t exactly my type. No offence”

Clarke huffed “And how are you going home exactly ? Your car is still parked at The Den. You’re gonna take the bus in your dress ?” she asked raising an eyebrow.

Lexa sat on a stool at the counter “I guess you’ll have to give me a ride then”

Clarke turned her back on her “Who said I’d be willing to do such a thing ? Pancakes ?”

“Because if you don’t I’ll just have to call my manager and she’ll come pick me up. And yes thank you”

“I’m gonna take you to The Den”

“I’m honoured”

Silence fell as Clarke was cooking. A question was itching Lexa’s tongue but she was afraid to voice it. She swallowed and did it anyway “So. What are we now exactly ?”

_Oh I’m so gonna like that…_ thought Clarke, already thinking about “how to gently torture/tease the girl that abandoned her”.

“What do you mean ?”

“Well you know… Are we friend ? More ? Nothing ?”

Clarke faked an intense reflexion “For the moment I think you’re just a girl that happened to sleep in my bed”

“Yes. True” Of course it wasn’t exactly what Lexa wanted to hear but it would do for now. Silence fell again. Heavier this time. Clarke again would do what she could to make Lexa “spit everything out.” Clarke gave Lexa her pancakes and they started to eat. After two bites, Lexa put down her fork “Will you go out with me ?”

“No.” the word came out without any hesitation. Lexa bugged. Literally. Her jaw was stuck open and her brows frowned.

Then she managed to recover and asked “But you… you said you love me right ?”

“No. I said I loved you. Who said it was still the case ?” Clarke intended to let Lexa deduce things herself but pitied the sad face in front of her and explained “Ten years. It’s a long time. You say you love me but the person you love is the one you left ten years ago. And this person is not the one in front of you right now. I have changed and you have changed too. We were stuck in the past because some things hadn’t been voiced. Our feelings were captive, frozen in the ice of this snowy day. Yesterday time started to flow again for “us” but things are not like they used to be”

Words sank in Lexa and she realised Clarke was right. “What do we do then ?”

“If you love me that much, why not making me fall in love with you again” answered Clarke crossing her arms and lifting her chin. A mischievous smile tugging the corner of her lips. “Now finish your plate so that I can wash the dishes. And go put some pants. I won’t say I don’t enjoy the view but it might not be appropriate”

Lexa smiled wide “First you ask me to seduce you and then you tell me to put on clothes because simple nudity is already charming you ? You’re contradicting yourself”

_Challenge : accepted._

“I’m pretty sure you have better skills than that. Gonna wash my face. Put your plate in the sink when you’re finished. I’ll wash it later”

When Clarke returned to the living room she found Lexa leaned on the couch’s back, hands in her pockets. She was wearing a black jean and a simple, loose white T-shirt with a red rose on it. But something bugged Clarke. She smiled “Take that off. This is MY jacket” Lexa extended her arms, looking at the famous piece of blue leather.

“You’re right and I like it a lot”

“Stop playing and give it back” But Lexa didn’t move. Clarke approached the brunette and slowly pulled the jacket down herself.

“So you asked me to dress just to undress me yourself ? I see”

Clarke rolled her eyes and smiled again. One point for Lexa “Put on your fluffy coat Romeo. You need to go home and I have to give back this family car” Lexa followed her out of the apartment knowing perfectly she had just won the first round.


	15. Chapter ten : Monday part1 Clarke's side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm bad at picking titles. Sorry.

“See you then”

“Yeah see you” said Lexa grabbing her car keys and opening her car.

Clarke frowned “That’s all ?”

Lexa smiled “We’re barely acquaintances right ?” She jumped in her car and went away just like that letting Clarke on the pavement, mouth open.

 _Wait when did she… Since when is she sassy like that_ !? _Where did I put myself into…_

 

“Hey Echo, listen you’ll never believe m-“ said Clarke entering the bar.

“Clarke ! Tell us please, how does it feel to bang a celebrity ?” Clarke was sure of at least one thing : in ten years the one that never changed was definitely Raven.

“First : *sigh* and second : why’s everyone here ?”

“Well you had Bell’s car and Lexa’s car was still parked near here so we deduced that you’d end up coming back at some point. But the geeks are at work though”

“Why are you answering to that O. !? You’re not curious ? Clarke what happened ?”

Clarke went to sit with her friends “We said what we had to say and then we hugged and she cried for twenty minutes and fell asleep. I had to put her in my bed myself”

“So THAT’s why she was in panties and T-shirt when I came back home this morning ? Harsh…Ten years for a big hug ? She sucks”

“What can I do Rav ? She’s as slow as ever” Clarke felt too lazy to spit out her “ten years has passed and I’m not the one you think” speech a second time in the same morning. One time was frustrating enough.

“God yes. I remember. She was always unsure about everything in her social life”

“You sigh and complain but you’re smiling like an idiot since you entered. Don’t you have something to say ? Ungrateful girl !”

“Sorry. Thank you Bell. It was the best surprise ever”

“You had everything planned, didn’t you ?” asked Octavia elbowing her brother.

Bellamy smiled proudly “Huh… I hate that cocky smile of yours… I insist” Raven turned to Echo “Go out with me instead. This guy is insane” Echo smiled and blushed.

Clarke suddenly got out of her bubble of happiness “Wait ! What happened after I left ? The audition ? What happened ?”

“Relax princess. The jury was just a little surprised you left so quickly. We told them that you had been called at the hospital. That you were a surgeon and you were needed or shitty things like that. The last band was good but nothing compared to you yesterday”

“Yeah. You were so good… If Lexa is all you need to do such a good job, I’ll kidnap her and put her in the public at every audition”

“You won’t have to kidnap her Raven. I’ll do it myself”

“So. When are we gonna talk to your girlfriend again ?”

“We’re not girlfrends O.”

Octavia frowned “OK. What !?”

Clarke sighed. It seemed that she had to “do the speech” after all… “Listen. We both changed and we need to learn about each other again an-“

“Bullshit. We all know how this story gonna end : big size bed, champagne, and the most expensive sex t-“ Bellamy stood and punched her on the back of her head “Ouch Bell !? What now !? It hurts ! What if I have concussion or something huh ?”

“Raven you need to behave and learn about what you can or cannot say. Especially in front of Clarke and Octavia’s new manager”

Raven lifted her head and like her friends turned to look at the man standing in the entry “Hi. My name is Lincoln Wilde. Nice to meet you all”

Octavia punched Raven’s shoulder “Ow ! Not you too Oct-“

“Shush ! I think I’m falling in love… Needed to be sure it’s not a dream”

Raven whispered “Ok but why punching ME !?”

Lincoln sat in front of Clarke next to a really flushed Octavia. “I was there yesterday. And I have to admit that you were impressive. Bellamy told me that if you win, only you and…” he turned to the guitarist “Octavia was it ?”

The girl blushed furiously and nodded “Yes”

He smiled to her before focusing on Clarke again. “Will go to L.A. I know musicians that would be glad to replace your friends”

“Will the jury accept that ? It’s a band competition”

“I have my reputation. If *I* am the one helping you find musicians, you shouldn’t have any problem. Plus” he turned to Raven next to Octavia “You and your boy friends don’t have the level needed to continue. I’m sorry to say that”

Raven huffed and shrugged “That’s not nice. But kinda true so I won’t hate you, you lucky ma-“Bellamy punched her again “Ok you know what ?” she stood to sit next to Clarke “I’m not talking to you two ever again !”

“You know that if you continue to use me as a shield, *I* will be the one that won’t talk to you right ?”

“Not if you want me to let Lexa enter our apartment again”

Bellamy clapped his hands “Girls, now’s not the time, please”

“Talking about Lexa, are you family or something ?” ?” asked Clarke, making Bellamy sigh the longest breath of his entire life.

 

“We’re cousins. I’ve known her since she was a baby”

“Actually, you can all thank Lexa. She’s the one who gave me Lincoln’s information”

Clarke frowned “Wait, that means that… you had met her way before the audition?”

“Yes. Two weeks ago. I told her about your audition and she gave me Lincoln’s phone and mail”

“Why not telling me ?”

“Told you. It was a surprise” he winked.

“You’re Machiavellian, you know ?”

“Yeah but you love me for that”

Clarke smiled.

Echo wanted to ask a question for a while now. A question Bellamy hadn’t want to answer and hadn’t seem appropriate before. Now it seemed ok so she thought she’d try “Clarke, can I ask you a … personal question ?”

Clarke smiled “Whatever you want daddy”

“How did you two, you and Lexa I mean, meet ?”

“Oh gosh she did it.”

“Yeah sister. Here we go again…”

“Raven, Octavia shut up” Clarke turned to Echo a smile on her face “I’ll tell you”

Raven tried her best to mimic Clarke’s way of talking “It was 12 years ago, a hot summer d-“ It was Clarke’s turn to hit Raven “Even you… Clarke honey… Why ? I trusted you !?”

Clarke ignored her “So, it was 12 years ago, a hot summer day. I was playing in park Jaha when I saw a girl, not much older than me, crying alone on her bench. And that was Lexa.”


	16. Chapter ten : Monday part 1, Lexa's side

“See you then”

“Yeah see you” said Lexa grabbing her car keys and opening her car.

Clarke frowned “That’s all ?”

Lexa smiled “We’re barely acquaintances right ?” She jumped in her car and went away just like that letting Clarke on the pavement, mouth open.

_Nailed it._

 

Lexa was not really the jovial type. She wasn’t eager either. But she remembered THAT one time when she was little when Anya had taken her to a zoo and, because she was friend with the guy from the nursery, Lexa had been able to hold and feed baby lions and a white tiger. After that, she’d spent a week (or maybe more) with a smile stuck on her face and an incredible amount of energy to sell. Right now she had the same feeling. She felt light and childish and couldn’t care less about the fact that she was running late.

She finally arrived at her apartment around 11am. She opened the door, ran around the apartment, found Ymir, kissed her numerous times before heading to her room, humming an unfamiliar song. Ymir was frozen on the ground, dumfounded. Her mistress was sick. That was the only explanation. Because Ymir felt a little “doctor” inside, she followed Lexa in her room and what she saw scared her. Lexa was undressing and… folding her pants !? And… was she… Smelling her T-shirt ? Ymir decided it was too much. Something happened and Lexa was sick. The cat hid under the couch, fearing another excess of affection, letting her head pop out just because, you know, if anything happened.

Lexa frowned “Ymir, what are you doing under the couch ? You hate dust ?”

 _“Right now I fear you more”_ thought the alarmed cat.

“Anyway I’m going, see you tonight !” with that she exited the apartment leaving an incredibly shocked (and dirty) Ymir under the couch.

 

 

“Anya !” almost yelled Lexa entering the coffee shop. She almost giggled and almost ran to her sister to fully take her in her arms, almost jumping. And god know how “almost” for normal people meant “a lot” for Lexa.

Anya surprised at first hugged her sister back, smiling “Feels good to be back home for the first time in ten years huh ?”

Lexa stepped back “I haven’t felt so good in an eternity !” and stormed out of the shop like she had entered it.

Anya, like Ymir got a little scared and started questioning her sister’s sanity.

 

 

When she sat in front of Indra, Lexa still had a smile plastered on her face. The older woman expected an “in-a-good-mood” Lexa or a “broken” Lexa but not an “almost shining” Lexa… The manager was used to deal with the young actress’ moods. But THIS was a first. _This is going to be a looooong afternoon…_ she thought.

“So ? My schedule ?”

“Well, you’re filming the whole week but you have your Wednesday afternoon and your Sunday”

Emily appeared to take their orders but she felt her heart beat a little faster. She was used to see Lexa “for real” by now but… She was so different when she smiled. She cleared her throat “Hello, what will it be today ?”

“Same as the last time for me. Lexa ?”

“The biggest ice cream you have”

Emily was surprised but didn’t questioned and get back in the kitchen.

“OK. I know you’re happy but… don’t you hate ice cream ?”

“I lied. I love it”

“Then why telling me you couldn’t eat it or even see it for years !?”

“Because I used to eat ice cream with Clarke”

“Of course…” she thought, “Why does your life gravitate around this girl that much exactly ?” she said.

“I never told you ?”

“Not really. You’re kind of secret about her”

“It’s a long story but, I think that’s because she saved me” noticing Indra’s questioning gaze, Lexa continued, her usual seriousness back “When I was four, my mother got cancer. First her lungs, then her throat and then pretty much everywhere. But when I was ten she developed cancer cells in her brain. We knew it was over. She died ten months later” Lexa paused.

That’s the moment Emily chose to bring Lexa’s ice cream “Chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, caramel, Lemon and passion fruit”

“Whoa thanks !”

Emily smiled “I’m coming back with your order in a moment” she added for Indra.

Lexa, eating her first spoon of passion fruit ice cream in ten years, continued her explanation “I don’t have many memories of my mother. When she was healthy I mean. But I remember that my dad used to take us eat ice cream every Sunday. Of course when she got sick she spent most of her time at the hospital and my father left the house so it was just Anya and me. And it wasn’t the same of course. For her last birthday, doctors let us take her out of the hospital one Sunday to eat ice cream. She had problems to eat by herself and we were at a point when we were happy when she remembered who we were but we still wanted to go eat ice cream together. We did and that’s the last time I’ve seen her smile. After her death, I couldn’t eat or see ice cream without feeling sick. Then for the reasons you know, we moved. And I met Clarke” Lexa’s eyes enlightened. She remembered it like if it was yesterday. “I was sitting in park Jaha. I was lost and alone. I was 14 and still crying like a baby. That’s when she appeared.”


	17. Chapter eleven : Recollection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh, I'm sappy...

*Twelve years ago*

 

“You alone ?”

Lexa lifted her head from the floor.

“You lost ?”

Lexa nodded.

“Wait here”

And Clarke disappeared like she had appeared. She came back five minutes later with an ice cream in each hands.

“Here” Clarke extended her hand, giving her the vanilla flavour. “I didn’t know what to order so I chose the most popular. If you prefer chocolate just tel-“ Lexa was just starring at the ice cream in Clarke’s hand, crying even more. But she didn’t want to be rude so she grabbed the ice cream.

“You know it’s going to melt quickly in this heat”

“Sorry it’s just… I’m not really into ice cream”

“Lie. Everyone like ice cream” Clarke started licking her chocolate flavoured ice cream when she noticed how close Lexa’s face and the vanilla ice cream were. A devilish smile painted itself on Clarke’s face. Lexa was too absorbed in her thoughts to notice. To notice Clarke’s hand skipping under her owns and slowly pushing the ice cream on her face.

At the cold touch Lexa jumped, letting the ice cream fall. Clarke smiled hard. Maybe too hard.

“Your- Your face. Priceless” was all she managed to articulate.

Lexa sat back on the bench next to her persecutor, ice cream still dripping down her face. Clarke finally stopped laughing and was taking another lick of her ice cream when she felt her head being pushed from behind and her face meeting the cold chocolate.

Like Lexa, she stood making her own ice cream fall. The other girl laughed lightly and the sight was so charming that Clarke started laughing again. The blonde then took a tissue from her pocket and wiped the chocolate from her face. Then she approached Lexa. The still amused girl lifted her head, only to find Clarke’s lips on her nose.

The girl licked her lips with a mischievous smile “I prefer vanilla anyway” and then she pressed a tissue on Lexa’s now flushed face.

“Come on. Wipe this, and tell me where you live. I’ll take you home”


	18. Chapter twelve : Monday part2, Clarke's side

“Her confused look was so cute. You should’ve seen that. On the way to her home she kept looking at me. I was smaller than her and I felt so shy under her intense gaze that I kept talking to fill the silence”

“And that’s when you crushed on her… Guess what she did after that ?”

“Raven, you want me to hit you again ?”

“No ma’am please finish your story” answered the brunette rolling her eyes.

“The day after I came to her home again. I took her to park Jaha and bought her an ice cream that ended on the floor again. I did it almost every day for a week and the last day she finally tasted her vanilla ice cream. It was my first victory on her !”

“That’s the first time I hear this side of the story” said Lincoln, amused.

“Oh, she told you about me ?”

Lincoln made a sad face “No not really. Anya did” when he saw Clarke’s smile fall he added “But it wasn’t just you. She’s not the type to talk about the past. Especially when it comes to this town. All I know about it is that the years she spent here were the happiest of her life and talking about it ended up being painful for her”

“I don’t understand. She could’ve come back and say hi, nobody would’ve rejected her for obeying to her father. Maybe punish her a little for not calling or writing to us but nothing big” said Octavia, perplexed. She was not the kind of person that ran away easily so it was hard for her to understand such cowardice.

“I don’t know the details but I think that’s because she couldn’t forgive herself for not keeping contact. She felt guilty and was sure you’d hate her as much as she hated herself. My little cousin is just not a grown up yet” he said with a smile.

Clarke couldn’t agree more “Yeah. She’s fierce and really strong in general but when you really know her and what lie under the surface she’s really sensible”

“So ? When is she coming here ?”

“I’ll ask her when she’s free and maybe if Echo is OK we could organize a little party here ? For Lexa’s return, our new manager and the results of the audition” said Clarke turning to Echo.

“I see no problem but I’ll need to know three days in advance”

“No problemo !”

Raven clapped her hands “Ok, not that I don’t like chit chatting with you guys but I’m hungry and I have to go to work this afternoon so let’s order something and eat !”

 

They ordered Thai food and ate. Raven and Bellamy left the bar around 1pm Leaving Lincoln, Octavia and Clarke alone.

“So you’re a surgeon ?”

Clarke made a face “Yeah… I hate that but I’m good at it. Funny fact right ?”

“You definitely have what is needed to be a great artist so that’s not so important anymore right ?”

“What if we lose the audition ?”

“Even if you lose, I’ll take you with me to L.A. find you musicians and make you do as many auditions as necessary and you’ll end up winning one and make your own place in the music world”

“You’re an optimist aren’t you ?” asked Octavia.

“I’m trying” he answered with a big smile, making Octavia avert her eyes.

Clarke saw the spark. She didn’t want to feel like a third wheel so she tried to run away “Um I have things to do this afternoon. You know, prepare for work tomorrow and all”

“Yeah yeah see you princess” said the guitarist with thankful eyes.

Clarke smiled “Lincoln, Echo, see you soon”

“Whenever you want Clarke”

“See you soon”

 

And she exited the bar. She found herself on the pavement questioning herself.

_What the hell am I going to do of my afternoon…_

Clarke jumped on her motorcycle. Her dad’s old motorcycle that she had entirely restored helped by Raven. She drove right back home. She decided she’d wash the dishes she had left in the sink this morning but…

_No way…_

Lexa had already done the job. “No big deal. I’ll find something else to do” She brushed Christa and played with her for at least twenty minutes before vacuuming and cleaning the whole apartment for an hour. Around 3pm her phone rang.

“Mom ?”

“Clarke honey, how are you ?”

“Good. Now that the pressure of the audition is away I feel more relaxed”

“Good. How was it ?”

“What ?”

“The audition ? You did well ?”

“Better than ever according to Bellamy”

“Cool. When do you have the results ?”

“Wednesday afternoon”

“Oh. You’re coming to the hospital tomorrow ?”

“Yes. Even if we won, I’m planning on working here as long as I can. I have surgeries planned and I won’t let someone else deal with my patients” Clarke hated her job. But she had responsibilities and obligations regarding her patients. They were human being and for a few of them, Clarke was their last hope.

“Ok, good”

“And you ? How are you ?”

“Tired. A scholar bus had a horrible accident yesterday morning”

Clarke could hear exhaustion and sadness in her mother’s voice. She used to work and learn from her mother. That’s why she knew better than the others that her mother was the kind to care a lot for her patients and as a mother, for children.

“You did what you could as always mom. I’m sure of it”

“They were 15. Five didn’t make it. They were ten Clarke”

The young girl used to deal with children at some point. She knew how hard it was when those things happened “I know. But you remember what you told me ? The dead are gone and…”

“… the livings are hungry I know but it’s still hard. I have to let you, my next shift begins in an hour and I’d like to lie down a little”

“Of course. See you tomorrow ?”

“See you tomorrow.”

Clarke hated that. Knowing her mother like that, so weak… She tried not to think about it. She entered her room and sat on her bed looking at nothing in particular but then she noticed. She noticed the piece of paper pinned on her door.

It was Lexa’s handwriting. There was an address and a phone number, followed by the mention “May we meet again”

Clarke smiled. Lexa was too good at this. Way too good. But Clarke was not the type to give up so easily. She’d fight as much as she could. Then she turned and her gaze fell on her toy box. She had an idea.


	19. Chapter twelve : Monday part2, Lexa's side

“And that’s it. After that she guided me home and talked and talked and talked all the way. And I couldn’t look at anything else but her. I almost fell one or two times and barely managed to avoid a pole. After that she came back to my home almost every day to take me to park Jaha and try to make me eat ice cream. I made it a week. But in the end I lost. She taught me to smile again” Lexa smiled and focused her attention on her ice cream, keeping vanilla for the end.

 

Around 2pm, she was sitting in the make-up room, waiting while her hair were being braided and her face covered in black paint.

“Please Lexa, could you stop smiling so much ? You’re giving me a hard time here”

“Sorry Emori” The girl was Lexa’s make-up artist on this set. She was a nice girl.

“You’re in an awfully good mood commander”

“Quint” she smiled then stopped when Emori looked at her with daggers in her eyes. “Been a while”

“Yeah well Roth didn’t need me here so…” he paused “Something good happened to you ?”

Lexa’s lips were tugging again but she controlled herself. She was finally reunited with Clarke, she’d do all she could to survive. “Kind of. Remember the girl I mentioned ? My childhood friend”

“Oh the singer ?”

“Yes. We finally reconciled”

“And that’s all ?”

A man entered the room “Oh but that’s ‘cause she has it bad”

“Please Murphy, today is supposed to be a good day, let me be”

“Not my fault if you used to date her”

Lexa sighed “We never dated. And I still can’t believe I’m wrapping a movie with you”

“Please don’t fight again, or Roth will punish me. I’m supposed to be responsible of you children”

“She just doesn’t want to recognize the truth”

“Murphy I swear…” Lexa calmed down. Emori was almost finished, she didn’t want to ruin the make-up now “I don’t even know if I hated you more in high school or if you’re actual “you” is worse”

“You’re gonna bring her here one day right ?” asked Quint trying he’s best to calm these two.

“I don’t think so. She’s busy” she said with a small smile “And I don’t want her to meet him again” she added, throwing daggers at him (Emori taught her how to do it correctly).

The boy exited the room shaking his head, yelling “Oh by the way, message from Roth : we’re waiting for you commander”

“Shit. Emori you’re finished ?” The girl nodded “And you Carrie ?”

“Two braids from the end”

“Lexa I’m going ahead and tell Roth you’re coming”

“Thanks”

 

 

“You’re late commander. You’re the main character, you know that right ?”

“Yes sorry”

“And what’s that smile on your face ?”

“She made up with her girlfriend”

Lexa closed her eyes and sighed “Roth please tell me I’ll have to kill him at some point”

“Sorry honey, not yet. And I’m glad for you but wipe this smile out in front of cameras ok ? You’re fierce and strong and heartless”

“Yes captain” In an instant, Lexa became commander Alycia. Behind her she heard Murphy whisper “How can she do that !? Where’s her switch button damn I want the same !” She fought really hard not to smile and straighten her back instead. From now on ‘til 7pm she’s a commander and Murphy’s not even a warrior and she liked that.

 

At the end of the day, Lexa was exhausted. Horses were cool. Horses were kind. Horses made her taller. But horses also put her ass on fire. was even worse because her usual working partner/personal mare, had decided she didn’t want to work. So she had to switch for her stand-in. They looked the same but while one had a comfortable back, the other was just… Her spine had been digging into Lexa’s bottom the whole day. Result ? When she opened her car, she stood a minute just looking at her seat, wondering if it would be possible to drive without sitting. The answer being, obviously : no, she sat slowly, really slowly and a single tear of joy ran down her cheek when she got ready to drive back home.

After twenty minutes of painful driving, she reached her building.

“Miss Wilde, good evening”

“Good evening Mr Miller”

“Hard day ?”

“Horse day”

“I see… I um… Left something, a little surprise in your apartment, hope it’ll cheer you up”

Lexa frowned but was too tired to care. She’d see when she’d be upstairs. Upstairs… Four floors of stairs… A challenge. But Lexa was competitive. When she’s challenged she fight ‘til the end. So she started to climb, steadying herself with the banister.

It took her 7 minutesbut she made it. When she opened her door her ears noticed the noise and then her eyes, the sight.

“Hey Lexa ! Finally home ?”

Lexa opened her eyes wide “Clarke ?!”


	20. Chapter thirteen : Sleepover ?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like you already know (or not), I'm french. And in france we have an expression that compares abdominal muscles to chocolate tablets. There's a joke in this chapter that can only be understood knowing what I just said. I know this expression makes no sense in english but I just couldn't throw it away (you'll see why). Let's call that my "french touch". Anyway when you'll see the ***** you'll understand (probably)

_So SHE was the surprise from the landlord huh ?_

“What are you doing ?” asked Lexa, taking off her shoes.

Clarke paused the TV “Watching mov-“ the blonde’s words got caught up in her throat. Lexa’s hair was still braided. And it suited her. But like, really.

Lexa, her fight (with her shoes) finally over, approached Clarke, just looking at her.

“You’re not gonna sit ?”

Lexa shook her head “I’ve been riding a really uncomfortable horse all day”

“Oh so THAT’s the smell…” Lexa blushed furiously and Clarke was proud of herself. The blonde shut off the TV. Then an idea crossed her mind. A really, really lame one but…

“Hey, you smell like trash, can I take you out ?”

Lexa raised an eyebrow “Was that a pick-up line ?”

“What do you think that was ?” she answered with charming eyes “No but really, you free Wednesday evening ?”

“I have my Wednesday afternoon”

“Good. We’re planning a party to celebrate the results of the audition and Lincoln as our new manager. You want to come ?”

“Yes sure. Wait, Lincoln like in Lincoln Wilde ?”

“Yes your cousin”

“I was sure he’d love you”

“Yeah well it’s a family thing apparently” said the blonde, winking “But seriously I think he’s more into Octavia. You should’ve seen those two…”

“That would make a… weird couple. If Octavia is the same than back then that is”

“Oh believe me… There’s no one as constant as Raven and Octavia. Sometimes for the best and sometimes... Anyway, thank you. For introducing Bell to Lincoln”

“I did nothing. Just wrote some numbers on a piece of paper”

Clarke smiled “Well, that actually is a piece of paper that guided me here. Don’t underestimate small notes they can be really effective”

“You have a point here. I surely did underestimate the one I left in your room” answered Lexa with a smirk.

“Come here. Sit” The blonde patted the couch. Lexa sat and winced. “Don’t be a baby, you’ve been through worth I’m sure” Clarke stood and went behind the couch’s back.

“Clarke what are you doing ?”

“Don’t move. I’m unbraiding your hair”

Lexa raised an eyebrow “You don’t like it”

“Oh believe me I love it a lot but you look tired and you need a shower so, I’m helping”

The brunette smirked “Will you help me shower too then ?”

“You know greed is a deadly sin right ?”

“Cost nothing to try”

“Mhm” Clarke was concentrated. Lexa’s braids were very intricate and tight. She was trying her best not to hurt Lexa’s scalp but it was hard. “Tell me if I hurt you”

“Mhm” Lexa too was concentrated. Clarke’s fingers running on her scalp felt unbelievably good. She closed her eyes and when she opened them again, twenty minutes had passed.

“Finished ! Let me look at you !” Clarke went to face Lexa and it was something “Wow THAT’s what I call curls and volume…”

Lexa shook her head with a smile. She was too tired to fight now. “I’m gonna take a shower. You can do what you want”

“Pizza ?”

“Good idea.”

“Go and take your time, I’m ordering pizzas and after that : movie night !”

Lexa smiled and sighed “As you wish princess”

Clarke jolted at the name. It’s been so long since she heard it coming out of Lexa’s mouth. It felt oddly nostalgic.

She ordered pizzas. When the delivery guy arrived, she went to open to him. When she returned to the living room she found Lexa in grey shorts and black tank top drying her hair with a towel. Clarke swallowed “Aren’t you cold ?”

“No, I’m used to it.”

“Oh. Ok” Clarke will have to deal with an almost naked Lexa for the whole evening.

That’s the moment Ymir chose to get out of Lexa’s room. She avoided Clarke and went to Lexa’s legs meowing “I know, you’re hungry. Wait a minute”

“So THAT’s the cat you told me about ? I searched her earlier but couldn’t find her. She’s beautiful”

“She is. But she’s a bitch sometimes” Lexa extended her arm to grab Ymir’s food from the top of the fridge. The movement lifted her tank top just enough for Clarke to see her left hip. The blond bit her lip. Then Lexa threw her a weird glance before slowly walking to Ymir’s plate on the other side of the kitchen. She bent down, turning her back/ass to Clarke. The blonde’s jaw dropped. A minute later Lexa was standing in front of her.

“You’re planning on standing in the middle of my apartment with pizzas in your hands and your mouth wide open for the rest of the evening or you’re coming with me on the couch ?” Lexa took the pizzas from Clarke and put them on the table in front of the TV.                                                                     

Clarke recovered, blushed and went to the change the DVD.

“So, what are we watching ?”

“To love a mocking bird” said Clarke with a mischievous smile, showing the DVD box.

Lexa frowned “One of MY movies ?”

“Yes. Actually I spent my afternoon watching your movies and interviews, from your debuts to this one”

 “Ok but why doing that in MY apartment ?”

“Wanted to watch one with you” said the blonde with the cutest smile she could do.

Lexa sighed “Ok. Press play and come eat while it’s hot”

Clarke raised her eyebrows. She used to be the “mommy one” so Lexa mothering her was a surprise (the “cat momma” effect maybe).

 

At first both were on their side of the couch. But when the pizza had disappeared, Clarke eagerly clapped in her hands saying “Ok press pause and close your eyes, I have a surprise”

Lexa did as asked and waited. Five minutes later she felt Clarke sit beside her. Then she jumped at the cold sticky thing pressed on her nose “What the-“ she opened her eyes wide and looked at a laughing-really-hard Clarke.

“Relax, it’s just ice cream, here” The giggling blonde gave her a tissue.

Lexa wiped her nose and smiled. She sat back on the couch.

“Here’s your ice cream” said Clarke tending the jar to Lexa.

“Vanilla ? Then yours’ chocolate”

“Of course it is”

Both sat back in the couch and Lexa pressed play again. After a minute or two, she asked “Can I have a lick ?”

“If you’re still talking about ice cream, yes go ahead”

Lexa rolled her eyes. Clarke may have spent too much time with Raven or Octavia. She slowly got closer to the blonde and plunged her big spoon in Clarke’s jar. The blonde was absent mindedly looking at the TV so she didn’t saw the spoon of chocolate getting closer to her face. No she just felt the cold on her nose.

“What the fuck Lexa !?” yelled Clarke looking at the brunette, half amused half pissed off.

Lexa smirked and leaned to kiss the blonde’s nose. Her smirk was even wider when she pulled back “It’s a 12 years old pay back. A chance that chocolate is my favourite”

Clarke punched her shoulder and wiped her face. Both returned to watching the movie and Clarke leaned her head on Lexa’s shoulder.

“Have I won ?” asked Lexa casually.

“You wish !” answered the blonde with a light laugh.

“By the way Clarke, I met Raven in your apartment this morning, what was she doing here ?”

“Oh, we live together. She’s my roommate”

_THAT explains a lot of things…_

 

Thirty minutes later Clarke closed her jar.

“Gonna put my ice cream back in the freezer. Want me to take yours too ?”

“Yes please”

Clarke stood, taking the two half empty jars with her. Ymir, that have been observing, hidden behind the TV took advantage of it to take Clarke’s place on the couch.

Lexa frowned “What are you doing young lady ?”

Ymir was just sitting fiercely in the exact middle of the couch looking right in front of her, like if she was alone.

“Oh hello you ! Finally I can see you from closer !”

Clarke sat on the couch next to the cat. Ymir turned her green, menacing eyes to her.

“Ouh I can see why people are afraid of her”

“I told you”

“Why is she looking at me like that I haven’t done any-“ Clarke paused “Is she… Jealous ?” Ymir shook her tail frenetically a few times “Yeah that’s it ! She’s jealous”

“It has always been the two of us” said Lexa, scratching Ymir’s neck making her close her eyes in delight. “She’s not used to people being close to me, maybe that’s why”

“Well I won’t lose against you Ymir !”

Ymir focused her gaze on Clarke again. The girl extended her hand and the cat didn’t move, not even a hair. Then Clarke started scratching a certain spot between the cat’s eyes. Ymir tried to resist but… It felt too good. She leaned in the touch and purred. Lexa couldn’t believe it.

“What did you do ?”

“Cats have a spot on their forehead and when you stimulate it, it help them relax. Doesn’t work on every cat but a lot of them love it”

Then suddenly Ymir opened her eyes and jumped off the couch to lie down on the table, showing her back to the girls.

“Does that mean I can approach you again ?”

“Don’t know but I’d like that”

Clarke smiled and returned to her previous position, her head on Lexa’s shoulder and Lexa’s cheek on the blonde’s scalp.

 

The movie over, Clarke turned the TV off but when she tried to stand she felt Lexa’s full weight on her side.

“Lexa ?”

The girl had fallen asleep. Clarke curled into her a little more and closed her eyes.

Lexa opened an eye, smiled and thought “Nailed it”

 

 

Lexa’s alarm rang at 8am. She groaned and turned it off. Then she felt something move behind her in the bed, two arms gripping her waist and a breath in her neck.

“Hello you”

“You know I can’t see your sleepy face if you stay glued to my back ?”

“Maybe I don’t want you to see my sleepy face”

“I’ve seen it like a thousand times”

“I don’t care”

The blonde leaned onto Lexa’s back even more tightening her grip.

“Have I won ?”

“Not yet. I’m just not a morning person and you’re comfy”

“You said “yet”

The girl yawned “Did I ?”

Lexa laughed lightly.

“We have to wake up. We have work”

“My shift start in the afternoon”

“Well my work start at 10 today and I don’t want to be late”

The blonde sighed. “OK” She pulled back.

Lexa stood. She took off her pyjama T-shirt (leaving herself in her underwear), and stared inside her closet. The blonde rolled on her side to have a better look. Lexa picked up a black tight turtleneck a green and brown flannel and black jeans.

“You’re dressed more casually today”

“I’m just having a radio interview this morning. And I’m going back in the woods in the afternoon”

Lexa put her clothes on the bed next to Clarke and started dressing, looking at Clarke the whole time. Just like that. Maybe a little too seriously. The blonde was desperately trying to concentrate on Lexa’s eyes but it was hard not to let her gaze run freely on the perfect body in front of her. Clarke noticed the muscles.

“You started sports ? Thought you didn’t like it”

“I don’t like running but sport in itself is not a problem. When I have time I go to swim. Why, you don’t like my abs ?”

 Clarke smirked “I’m more of a vanilla person but I don’t dislike chocolate” *******

“Want a bite ?”

“I’m not hungry thank you”

Lexa sighed with a smile. Finally dressed she exited the room. When Clarke did the same (fifteen minutes later), she saw Lexa on the couch.

“Come here, your pancakes are ready”

Clarke smiled “You had syrup ?”

“Bought it yesterday”

Clarke frowned “But you don’t like it”

“Indeed”

Clarke shook her head. She was losing at her own game. What a shame.

“You’re not eating ?”

“I’m not hungry. Coffee is ok today”

“I see” Clarke started eating. And it was hard when those green eyes were focused on her.

Finally, Lexa talked “Now that I think about it, why did the landlord let you in ?”

Clarke answered between two bites “His son and I were classmate in high school”

“Yeah of course. Sorry, I forgot you know absolutely everyone in this town”

“No I don’t know everyone. Everyone just happens to know Abby Griffin”

“Logical”

Clarke stood and went to the kitchen to wash the dishes. Lexa followed her and watched her from behind, her back leaned on the wall and her arms crossed.

“I still can’t believe you’re here”

“Technically, I’ve always been here. Never got out of this town in 25 years”

“I still can’t believe you’re here in my apartment, washing dishes after ten years of radio silence, silence due only to my dumbness”

“Yeah. Can’t believe it too”

“It could be a dream. I had so many similar to this one”

“Did it hurt when I slapped you ?”

“More than you think”

“Then you’re not asleep”

“It was two days ago. Maybe I fell asleep after work yesterday and I’m still dreaming”

Clarke, finished with her dishes, turned to face Lexa and leaned on the sink. “How could we prove this isn’t a dream then ? Want me to hit you ?”

“You have the strength of a baby Clarke. Wherever you hit, it won’t hurt”

It pissed the blonde off but… Lexa had a point. “Close your eyes and don’t move”

Lexa closed her eyes and uncrossed her arms. She heard Clarke’s footsteps getting closer. An instant later she could feel the blonde’s body warmth inches from her own body. She felt a breath brushing her cheek. She swallowed. It was hard not to move and she hadn’t been so grateful to a wall in her entire life. But the pain in her ear took her out of her thoughts and she winced. Then the pain stopped and she felt something hot and sticky that she associated to Clarke’s tongue running along her neck. Lexa barely managed to control her voice. Clarke sucked on her ear lobe for a moment before pulling back. A few seconds later Lexa opened her eyes only to meet Clarke’s blue eyes and bloody lips.

Clarke smirked.

_This point is for me_

“Now *I* am the one starting to think it’s a dream” she licked her lips way too slowly. She nodded to Lexa’s ear “You should go disinfect that before blood start dripping again. You just got dressed it would be a shame to have to change right ?” With a grin she returned to the living room, obviously proud of herself letting Lexa and her dark gaze behind.

 

Fifteen minutes later they were both on the pavement. Lexa got into her car and watched Clarke put on her jacket from her seat.

“Where did you get that ?”

“My jacket ? Last year, someone left it backstage with a note saying : For Clarke, Happy birthday”

“It’s a little worn out”

“Well it’s like a lucky charm. I’m wearing it all the time that’s why”

Lexa closed her car door with a light laugh. She started the car, ready to go while Clarke was putting on her helmet. The brunette opened her window and added with a smirk “I knew you’d like it”

“Of course I li- Wait…! What !?” but Lexa was already too far.

_No way…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little story regarding this fic.  
> To be sure I don't mess up with details and things in general I had to list every character, their jobs, their age and draw a time line. On top of it I chose a 2 POV rhythm of narration. And it's only my second fic. I'm at a point now where I don't really know where this story is going. I have a lot of funny things to write and more clexa obviously but not knowing exactly what will happen confuses me. That's why, I'm probably gonna take a little pause. After this chapter I'll come back to my double POV narration and my 2 chapters at the same time rhythm and sometimes a chapter combining the two POV. But maybe not everyday like I used to. Maybe every two or three days so that I have time to plan the story. 
> 
> Plus : I have to work on my driving licence and prepare the house for Callysto, the amazing girl that rereads my every works and corrects my mistakes ('cause yes we're finally gonna meet in real life and I can't wait !).
> 
> So don't worry If my release rhythm is slower. 
> 
> As always thank you for reading. Every time I see that I have one more kudo or comments I find myself smiling like an idiot, alone in my bedroom. So for that, for enlightening my days thank you readers !


	21. Chapter fourteen : Reversal, Clarke's side

_Wait… Is this jacket… From Lexa ?_

Clarke’s heart started to beat faster. She jumped on her motorbike and drove to her apartment. She ran upstairs, opened her door, crossed the living room and stormed in her room. She took a deep breath and opened her toy box. She grabbed an album and turned the pages as fast as she could and finally, she found it. She pulled out the piece of paper, closed the album and quickly went to her desk. She opened the drawer and took Lexa’s note from the day before.

_No way…_

It was the same handwriting.

Clarke didn’t know. She didn’t know if she was happy or sad. But she cried. And she was frustrated, so, so frustrated not knowing why. Somewhere inside her she was happy that the jacket she loved so much was from Lexa, that the brunette had remembered her birthday after 9 years, that she finally knew from whom this present was. But there was something else. The fact that Lexa had approached her one time before and didn’t bothered to say hi. No. It wasn’t Lexa. The one she hated right now was herself. For missing Lexa the first time. But was it the first time ? What if Lexa had been near the whole time and she hadn’t known ? She had missed her and let Lexa run away again. Clarke hated herself for her inability to guess from whom this jacket was even if, now that she was thinking about it, it was obvious.

She grabbed her phone, searched in her repertory. L. Lexa. But she stopped. She wanted to say something. But what ? And was it a good idea ? Why had she taken her phone out in the first place ? She stared at it for a minute before getting out of her trance. E. Echo.

 **To Echo :** Hey daddy, what’s up ? I just wanted to ask you if we could do the party on Wednesday night ? If you can’t just say it and we’ll find another day. Kisses.

The blonde crossed her arms on her desk and rested her head on them, still trying to understand the feelings inside her. She closed her eyes and jolted when her phone vibrated again.

 **From Echo :** It’s ok for Wednesday but you’ll have to help. Bring snacks and all because I won’t have time to do it. I’m waiting for Wednesday ;) see you soon.

Clarke smiled. This little breakdown had tired her. She decided to take a shower. But it didn’t help and she ended up heading to the hospital still depressed.

 

The blond was facing the huge glass doors of the hospital. She took a deep breath and pushed. Inside the air was suffocating. She hated that, hated this place, hated this immaculate white, so easily stained. She walked fast, waving and smiling at familiar faces from time to time, searching for the locker room. She found it. She opened her locker and took out the blouse. She felt the white fabric in her hands, felt its weight. She turned it and read the blue embroidery : “Doctor Griffin”. The girl huffed.

_Doctor Griffin is my mother. I’m Clarke._

She put it on anyway and quickly exited the room. In her hurry she bumped into Kane.

“Clarke ! You’re back ?”

The blonde smiled “Yeah I just came back. You know where’s my mom ?”

“In her office I think. How have you been ? Your mother told me you did well at your audition”

“She told you that ?” asked Clarke frowning.

“Yes and not just me. The whole department, maybe the whole hospital knows” he said with a light laugh. Then he became serious again “Your mother does care Clarke. She’s just… You know how she is when it comes to her feelings and how to express them”

Clarke smiled “Yeah I know. Thank you Marcus”

“I did nothing. You should go see her before she goes back to work. See you around young lady”

“Yeah later”

 

Clarke’s feet led her effortlessly to her mother’s office. She put her hand on the doorknob and breathed. She opened the door.

“Mom, it’s me”

Abby lifted her head from the files in her hands. She put them on her desk and stood to hug her daughter.

“It’s been too long honey… Two weeks without you is an eternity for me you know ?”

Clarke hugged her back “Yeah, sorry about that. But you know I don’t like the hospital and it was holidays so…”

“Yes I know. Let me look at you” Abby rested her hands on her daughter’s shoulders to have a better look “Your eyes seems tired”

“Haven’t slept well. Christa ran after a cockroach all night”

“You’ll be ok this afternoon ? It’s a 6 hours operation you know ?”

“Mom, I’m ok. You know I can do it. Plus, this guy needs me”

“I have other surgeons you kno-“

“Yes but *I* was the one this patient chose so *I* will be the one to deal with him”

“Ok honey”

Abby was the one who turned, almost forced Clarke into a surgeon. She knew her daughter was one of the best but still doubted her. And Clarke hated that. That part of her mother, the part related to the hospital.

“I have to go. The operation is starting in an hour and I need to prepare”

“See you later ?”

“I don’t know. I have only one operation today so I think I’m gonna go straight home tonight. Maybe on the phone”

“Let’s talk later then”

“Yeah, later”

Clarke finally exited the office, releasing a breath she didn’t know she was holding. She headed to the Operation room, determined.

 

“Christa, Mommy’s home”

“Good night mom ! You’re late”

Clarke smiled at the voice “Raven. You’re sleeping here tonight ?”

“Yep. And I cooked !”

Clarke was struggling to remove her coat and shoes in the entry. “What did you do ?”

“Bolognese pastas !”

“Cool”

“Yeah. And I hope you’re hungry because I did a little too much…”

Clarke offered her roommate a tired smile “I’m gonna go take a shower okay ?”

“Ok. Take your time”

 

Clarke undressed fast, disgusted and at the same time relieved to hear the sound her clothes made when they fell. Clarke had saved a life but still smelled like death. People told her it was in her head but she didn’t care. In her head or not, this smell was here and she HAD to erase it. She entered the shower and turned on the tap. The water was cold but it felt good. Then it became burning but it still felt good. After a moment she finally changed the temperature, as a doctor she opted for a less hot water for the rest of her shower. When she washed her hair she had to restrain from scratching her scalp too hard. When she washed her body she had to restrain from rubbing her skin too hard. When she got out of the shower, her clothes had disappeared. Clarke smiled.

_Thank you Raven._

 She felt better. Washed. She put on some pyjamas and finally joined Raven in the kitchen.

“Here, warning : it’s hot” when Raven gave Clarke her plate she noticed “You did it again didn’t you ?”

“Sorry. After two weeks it was hard to restrain”

“Peeling yourself like an orange won’t help anything happening in your head and you know it”

“What can I do ? It’s almost a ritual now. And the funniest in this is that, the more I’m doing it, the less I can feel it”

“I’m gonna spend the few next weeks here and I swear to god, if you dare doing it again while I’m here, I’ll hit you so hard even Lexa and your mother won’t be able to recognize you”

Clarke smiled “Ok. Talking about Lexa, you free Wednesday night ?”

“Yep. Why ? You’re looking for a double date ?”

The girl laughed “No. more like a…” the blonde started counting “12 date actually. And at The Den”

“Wow cool you decided the day for the party ?”

“I still have to ask the boys, O, Lincoln and Anya. You can ask Finn too if you want”

“Really ? Cool”

“We’ll have to bring snacks and balloons or whatever we need and pay Echo for the alcohol because I think that whatever happens Wednesday morning, the evening will be epic…”

“Yeah I have this feeling too”

 

Finished with her meal, Clarke went to her room. She collapsed on her bed. But she missed something. She grabbed her phone. L. Lexa.

 **To Lexa :** You awake ?

Clarke had butterflies in her stomach. Which was weird after the last two nights in a row they spent together. And it’s not like it was the first time she was planning on calling her either. After what felt like hours Clarke’s phone finally vibrated.

 **From Lexa :** Princess can’t sleep ?

Clarke pressed the “call” button.


	22. Chapter fourteen : Reversal, Lexa's side

Lexa was proud of herself. She was better at that game than she had thought. And more surprizing, she was enjoying that. Maybe, because she was an experimented actress it was easier for her to switch characters. Lexa was good natured, gentle, responsible, serious, affectionate and passionate. She had never been the teaser type. No, her behaviour near Clarke was nothing more than a game, a mask she put on and off, a character she created. But she liked it.  

The interview had been shorter than she had thought so she decided to go say hi to her favourite sibling.

“If it isn’t my little sister !”

“Hi Anya. How are you ?”

“Pretty good. And you ? You scared me yesterday, storming in and out of my shop like that”

Lexa chuckled “Yeah well, I was happy”

“So. What happened, tell me !”

“We said what we had to say and I cried for twenty minutes. The next thing I remember is waking up in her bed, her arms around me”

“So you’re back together huh ?”

“Not exactly. She said that she had changed in ten years and that I probably had changed too so we have to learn to know each other again”

“This girl is so grown up !” said Anya, joining her palms, looking at the ceiling “God please tell me Lexa will resemble her when she’s a grown-up !”

“Anya. I’m the eldest”

“But in your head you’re a baby ! You think like a little girl and sometimes you need a kick in your ass. I’m just happy because, with a little bit of luck, it won’t be my job anymore”

“You pushed me to her just because you didn’t want me on your back ? Meanie…” Lexa faked a pout.

“You know I have my own kids now right ? I can’t take care of you like I used to”

“I survived perfectly well in L.A. even without you”

Anya huffed “You BARELY survived you mean. The first months you called me every. Single. Day.” She mimicked her sister “Anya, how do you use the mixer ?” or “Anya, where are the pastas ?”

“Ok, ok but you left in three days. How was I supposed to learn so many things so quickly ?”

“You were 22 Lexa. You were supposed to be an adult. And you had Indra”

“Still”

“You’re right it’s my fault. I spoiled you too much”

“That’s true”

“I have some pastas left, you want to eat here ?”

Lexa smiled wide “I’d like that”

“Good. In the kitchen then”

 

 

Lexa arrived where they were supposed to film (after walking in the woods for twenty minutes) around 1 am.

“Hey, commander, you’re early”

She turned to look at Quint “Yeah well, I had nothing else to do”

“I have bad news for you”

“Oh please don’t tell me I’ll have to ride this mare again…”

“Oh no. No riding today. No, you’re filming with Murphy”

Lexa sighed. “Can I fictionally kill him ?”

“I don’t know the whole scenario but I think Roth’s planning on keeping him alive ‘till the end”

“But he killed SO MANY already, why not him ?”

“Ask Roth, not me. By the way how the hell did you hurt your ear ?”

Lexa remembered the handmade Band-Aid on her ear “This ? This is… Nothing”

Quint raised an eyebrow “Anyway you should go change and have your hair braided. We’re starting in an hour”

“Yes thanks”

Lexa entered the changing room (AKA a big green tent) and changed. She loved her costume. The corset was a little hard to wear at first but now she liked it. And she looked cool in it. Then she searched for Emori and Carrie. She found them in their quarters (AKA another big green tent).

“Hey Lexa, you’re early !”

“Why is everyone so surprised ? I’m a punctual person” she said straightening her back.

Emori laughed lightly “You’re always late so we have to hurry our work to catch up so that you can be punctual when you arrive on set”

“Yeah, you’re pretty hard to deal with miss diva”

“I don’t see myself as a diva. Time just doesn’t like me”

“Whatever makes you sleep at night milady”

“Come on, I’ll do your make up. And don’t move or smile !”

“Ok ok” said lexa with a light laugh, she lost her smile when she looked at Emori’s eyes “I mean, Yes miss Emori ! ”

“Good”

“Lexa, what happened to your ear ?”

“Something…”

“Can I take the band aid off ?”

“Yes go ahead. It doesn’t hurt anymore” Lexa was crossing her fingers. She was hoping that maybe the tooth marks had miraculously disappeared.

“Um… Lexa what have you done with this ear exactly ?” asked Carrie from behind her.

“Let me see” It was Emori’s turn to look “Is that a… Tooth mark ?”

Lexa was mentally swearing. She had to find an explanation “I um… I pissed Ymir off and she bit me” It was a bad, a really, bad, bad lie.

Carrie rose an eyebrow “Oh yeah ? Seems human to me but… If you say so. Anyway, you’ll have to scold the one who did that because it’s really… How should I say that… Gaudy ?”

“Roth won’t like that…”added Emori.

“Does your girlfriend knows you’re an actress ?”

_Touché_

“Yes she knows”

“Then tell her she cannot mark you like that, because I’ll have a really hard time hiding THAT”

Emori was right. No marks. It was the first rule. And the worst is that she was perfectly sure that Clarke had bit her on purpose, perfectly knowing she had to go film in the afternoon. “I’m sorry. You think you can hide it ?”

“I’ll try. I’ll add some more dirt on your ear and pray for it to work, Carrie, time to work”

“Ok let’s braid this hair !”

 

An hour later, Lexa looked at her in the mirror. The mark was still there. Emori did her best but… Lexa was just hoping there wouldn’t be too much close-ups on her face…

“Lexa. What’s this ?”

“It’s showing so much ?” asked the girl, making a face.

Roth seemed pissed off “It’s awful you mean”

“Don’t tell me you can’t fix it…”

“I can’t fix your ear but I can fix your beating heart : no close-ups today. You’re safe”

Lexa released a huge breath.

“I’m gonna ignore it for today but it’s the first and the last time”

“Yes. Yes of course.”

“Good. And I don’t want you to fight with Murphy, at least not today”

“I’ll try” Lexa owed Roth that. She’d try her best not to hate the guy for the day.

“My, my, my…” Ok. She’ll have to try even harder than she had thought. “So the fierce commander is a bottom huh ?”

“Please Murphy, not today…”

“You might be REALLY passive for baby Clarke to be a top…”

“You don’t know a thing about what you’re talking about”

“Don’t be shy. What if you like rough sex ? I like it too ! See ? No shame !”

“Ew please” she said with a disgusted face “I don’t want to know that and you SHOULD be ashamed”

“Lexa…” The girl turned to her boss. She sighed and headed to the woods to sit on a trunk, waiting for everyone to get ready. “Don’t push her too much Murphy, please”

“But she’s cute I can’t help it”

“I don’t care, I just want to finish this movie, with you two alive if possible”

“I thought you didn’t want to kill our characters ?”

“I wasn’t talking about your characters. No, those two are essential. You two on the another hand, are just two young actors and I can replace you whenever I want”

Murphy raised her hands in surrender “Ok boss. Got it. I’ll shut my mouth”

“Good. Now go to work”

 

Lexa spent the rest of her afternoon cursing and swearing in her head. Murphy was pissing her off on purpose and she had to behave. Maybe she’d wait for him the last day of filming and break his legs and arms. She’d think about it.

 

When she opened the door of her apartment, she was almost surprised to find that everything was still and silent. It had taken a long time for Lexa to get used to her solitary life. She had always lived with Anya and Gustus, always with someone. So when she finally bought herself an apartment she had felt lost. So she had bought a cat. But now that she knew how it felt to find another human being waiting for her at home, it was hard to face the emptiness of the place.

She sat in her couch and closed her eyes. It was her phone vibrating in her pocket that woke her up an hour later.

 **From Clarke :** You awake ?

Lexa smiled. She typed.

 **To Clarke :** Princess can’t sleep ?

When her phone rang she picked up.

 


	23. Chapter fifteen : step back

“Yeah, can’t sleep”

“Something happened ?” Lexa’s voice was comforting. And so close…

“A 6 hours operation happened to take 8 hours”

“Complications ?”

“Yeah”

Lexa could feel Clarke’s exhaustion. She could feel the weak voice “He’ll make it ?”

“Yeah”

“Then why torturing yourself like that, you saved a life” Clarke remembered at this instant. She remembered why she called Lexa from all people and how many times she searched for Lexa’s name in her repertory for the past ten years when she had gotten back from the hospital.

“You’re right. But I hate my job you know ?”

“You’re saving lives”

“Not every time”

“You wouldn’t be a doctor if it was the case”

“Doctors are supposed to save people not kill them”

“Yeah but doctors aren’t gods. They are humans. You’re human”

“A human stained in human blood”

“That is true. But this one is good”

“Blood outside a body’s never good Lexa”

“The one meaning you tried to save someone, is”

“I’m disgusting. I showered but still reek of iron”

“You’re not disgusting. Not to me”

Silent tears started flowing on Clarke’s cheeks. She had waited for these words coming from this mouth with this voice for too long.

“Clarke ?”

“Yes. I’m still here. I need to talk to you in person. Right now”

“My apartment ?”

“No the tree. I have something to finish”

Lexa’s heart stopped and she felt sick “Ok. Let’s say, in half an hour”

“Yeah Let’s say that”

 

The blonde hung up.

Clarke felt bad. When Raven saw her friend exiting her room all dressed with tears on her face she didn’t questioned and Clarke thanked her for that. The blond got stuck in her entry. She had her jacket in her hands. She swallowed and put it on.

Lexa didn’t know what to think. She thought things were good with the blonde. Then she thought “Maybe I went too far… Maybe I scared her…” She stormed out of her apartment.

 

Clarke was the first at the tree. And she was pacing, whispering things even her couldn’t understand. It was night and dark and cold and snow was everywhere. Everything seemed too familiar, like a déjà vu but it was needed. Clarke needed to go back to where everything started. She thought she could ignore this tree but in the end it was impossible.

When Lexa arrived, Clarke was already here. She was pacing in the snow. Lexa thought she was cold because she wasn’t wearing a coat nor gloves or scarf. Lexa took a deep breath and got out of her car. Everything looked the same. Too similar. Suffocating. Even the sound of her boots on the snow seemed heavy. But maybe it was a good thing.

 

When Lexa reached Clarke, the blonde stopped. She looked back at Lexa with watery eyes and slapped her. Again.

“How could you !” Lexa was aback “How could you abandon me like that ! You kissed me then left me behind just like that ! In ten years not a phone call ! In ten fucking years damn it ! Where were you when I needed you ? Where were you when I needed to hear your voice, when I was coming back from the hospital ? Do you have any idea how many times I had to dream of you to soothe my pain ? How many time I called your name without you answering ? How many times I woke up crying, realizing that I couldn’t feel your lips on mine anymore !?” Clarke laughed humourlessly “God knows how much I tried… I tried to keep it alive, I replayed the scene in my head thousands of times but it was inexorable. Everything, your warmth, your lips, your voice, your eyes, EVERYTHING disappeared to become nothing more than a fucking dream ! A dream you condemned me to make again, again and again” She paused “You’re cruel Lexa… Why did you appeared in my life ?”

Clarke shut to breath. He heart was beating fast. She was spitting out the words that had been burning her throat for years.

Lexa extended her hand. Her voice was weak and trembling “Clarke…”

The blonde slapped it out “NO ! Don’t touch me !” her tears were flowing on her cheeks abundantly now. She approached Lexa, grabbed her scarf and after a few sobs she yelled “I hate you !”

Lexa’s heart stopped in her heavy chest and she started crying too. She didn’t move. She deserved it. Those past two days were a dream. The reality that had ran after her for years had finally caught her up.

Clarke was trying to hold her sobs but her whole body was shaking. She yelled. She moaned. She voiced her feelings. Everything was a mess, a flow of raw emotions that had been held in for too long. She fell on her knees.

Lexa followed her. Just crying silently, every cry, every sound escaping Clarke throat piercing her chest like daggers. But she didn’t have the right to break. She had to endure, to take everything in. She deserved that.

Clarke calmed down, grabbed Lexa’s coat and rested her forehead on the brunette’s shoulder. “I hate you” this one was weak, barely voiced, like a whisper. “And I don’t know. I don’t know how to deal with the fact that I still love you so much” She sobbed again but pulled Lexa closer, tightening her grip on the coat. “I fucking hate you Lexa”

Lexa’s throat was tight. She had to try a few time before finally being able to voice the question “What do you want me to do ?”

Silence fell. After a few long minutes Clarke talked.

“Stay. Never ever leave me again. Whatever our relationship is or will be, stay. I want you near me. Close enough for me to reach you. Let me in again Lexa”

The brunette tightly wrapped the blonde in her arms “Yes, I promise”

“Your promises are worthless. How can I trust you again ?”

Lexa didn’t know. How to prove she could be trusted ? Then she just said what crossed her mind “Will you marry me ?”

Clarke’s body froze. She pulled back slowly and lifted her head to look at Lexa. She tried she tried really, REALLY hard not to smile but it was too much. She burst out laughing.

“No but, I mean I’m serious !”

At that Clarke laughed even harder, falling on her back and rolling on the ground, squeezing her aching sides.

Lexa blushed furiously “Never mind I’m going home” she said, standing.

Clarke recovered enough to say “No, please stay” and grab Lexa’s coat before laughing again.

“Then stop mocking me !”

Clarke still giggling managed to regain her capacity for dialogue “What ? You thought I was mocking you ?”

“Yes.”

“Well I was. But Wait !” She had to grab one of Lexa’s legs to keep her from running away. “No seriously, you’re probably the only human being on earth capable of proposing in this situation keeping a straight face”

“You asked for tangible proofs. Law is proof”

“Yes but no. It might be a little bit too soon for that” she laughed again “I mean, seriously, how many steps do you think you jumped exactly !? And oh god your expression was priceless !”

“That’s it. I’m going home.”

After Lexa had make a few steps, Clarke yelled “wait !” the brunette stopped, Clarke sounded serious. But what she was preparing was mean. Really mean. But so tempting… “Yes.”

Lexa turned back “What ?”

The spark of hope in Lexa’s eyes made Clarke feel a little guilty. “I mean no. But I do trust you Lexa”

The brunette waited, processing. “Never thought I would be so disappointed to hear those words…”

“You had it coming”

“Maybe.”

“But thank you it was fun”

Lexa sent daggers at Clarke with her eyes (Emori style) before heading to her car, Clarke running behind her.

“Leeeeeexaaaa I’m sorry ok ? I’m sorry I mocked you”

Without answering, Lexa opened her trunk and took out a blanket. She wrapped Clarke in it “Your lips are purple. You’ll catch a cold”

Clarke froze again, staring at Lexa’s eyes.

The brunette blushed a little “What ?”

The blonde jolted, suddenly brought back to reality “Nothing, thank you”

_Damn… this woman is too cute…_

“Come on. Jump in my car, I’ll put on the air con”

Clarke did as said and sat on the passenger’s seat, right next to Lexa. Silence fell. The warmth of the car felt good and made Clarke realize how cold she was.

Lexa leaned her head on her seat and closed her eyes. But Clarke had still a question to ask. An important one. “When you came back in town last year, and left this jacket for me, why not try to talk to me ?”

Lexa smiled, her eyes still closed “It’s childish”

Clarke raised an eyebrow “Can’t be worse that all the drama you told me these past two days”

“I came back in town to see Anya. I had collected all the courage inside me to step inside The Den. But when I entered, I saw you with a guy. Long black hair. You seemed close and, I don’t know. I think I got jealous and thought “of course she forgot about me” and I just left your present”

Clarke couldn’t believe it.

_To think I hated myself for missing her…_

The blonde took a deep breath “seriously Lexa. You left because you were jealous ? You gave up so easily, just because I was talking to a guy ?”

“It wasn’t your boyfriend ?”

“My boyfriend ?” Clarke sighed, face palming “Lexa. You were my first kiss and my last”

Lexa looked at Clarke and frowned “What ? No way”

“God yes it’s true. I felt so lonely…”

“But you’re so great, how ?”

“Probably because in the first years I couldn’t help but think about you and after I had my studies and then the hospital so I didn’t had enough time to meet with people. Wait ! No, I HAVE met some guys. From the hospital. Because my mom wanted me too”

“Doctors weren’t good enough ?”

“All nerds about something and they didn’t like music. It was settled”

“Fair enough”

Clarke didn’t want to know. But she wanted to know. But she didn’t. But maybe she did ? She asked anyway “And you ? Any love stories ?”

Lexa knew this question would come at some point. She had prepared for it. But it didn’t helped “Not really. Nothing serious”

Clarke raised an eyebrow “You’re a famous actress. You could have anybody, how are you still single ?”

Lexa averted her eyes “The only person I really wanted turned me down”

Clarke smiled. “Maybe you need to try again ?”

“I don’t know if she’d like that”

“She’d like it for sure”

“She said she hated me”

“So you’ll stop ?”

“Maybe”

“She’s gonna think you just gave up”

“I’m never giving up when I’m challenged”

Clarke exited the car and closed the door. She wrote something with her finger in the thin snow covering the windscreen.

_PROVE IT !_

Lexa laughed. Clarke jumped on her motorbike, disappearing in the dark.


	24. Chapter sixteen : "Take your daught- ... girlfriends at work (!?)" day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dedicate this chapter to my friend Jay

Tuesday flew by in a blink of an eye for both Clarke and Lexa. One had spent her day in the hospital, and the other, in the woods.

Clarke, depressed and exhausted, got home around 7pm and the first thing she did was lie on her bed and grab her phone.

Lexa on another hand, had been in a good mood and full of energy the whole day. When Clarke pressed the “call” button, Lexa was in her bath.

“Lexa ?”

“Who else ? It’s my personal phone”

“Right. You know what ? goodbye” And the blonde hung up.

Lexa smiled and called her back.

“Clarke ?”

“Who else ? It’s my personal phone”

“It was a really bad imitation”

“You recognized it as such so it was a good one”

“If you say so. How are you ?”

“Not good actually. I had to perform four chirurgical interventions today. Little ones but still. Ah and, I fought with my mother. But that’s almost reassuring coming from us”

“Why did you fight ?”

“Well… I was in the rest room and I was… Looking at a newspaper and she got mad”

Lexa frowned “For a newspaper ?”

Clarke hesitated. “Not exactly the newspaper”

“Then what ?”

The blonde sighed “I was cutting off the page with the interview you gave last week”

“Oh.”

Clarke didn’t need to say anything, the still vivid sensation of Abby’s hand on Lexa’s cheek was meaningful enough.

“And she started despising you, then me, then my life, in short ?  The whole Griffin fight pack”

“Glad I avoided that”

“I wish I could run away from it sometimes but… That’s how our relationship works after all. Even before my dad passed away”

Lexa tripped in her bath and almost dropped her phone in the water at the mention of Jake Griffin. She knew he had died six years ago in an accident but everything had seemed distant. Now she was realizing for the first time that Clarke’s father had, indeed, passed away.

“I heard water, something wrong ?”

“Nothing. Just tripped in my bathtub”

“Oh. Miss Wilde is in her bath…”

“What ? You never bathe ? You’re missing something”

Clarke for a minute had thought it might be fun to talk a little bit about Lexa’s actual lack of clothes but hearing the brunette’s reaction she came to the conclusion that the other girl wouldn’t understand. She was sure Lexa couldn’t get her subtleness (not the one she learned from Raven of course). The blonde opted for a really casual and not at all perverted topic and smiled “Don’t worry I DO take baths. And you ? Your day ?”

Lexa was surprised. She had been sure Clarke would engage a new… “sensitive” conversation regarding her nudity but no. She shrugged. She’d play later. “Normal day. I changed costumes four times, which is a lot. I played with swords and knives. And Carrie braided my hair too tight so my scalp hurt”

“Poor, poor baby…”

Lexa faked seriousness. “Don’t mock. It hurts”

Clarke laughed lightly “Yeah, yeah. And who’s this Carrie ?”

“One of our hairdressers. By the way, Emori, our make-up artist, asked me to scold you”

The blonde frowned “Why ? Do I know her ?”

Lexa sighed “No. But you left a really red and gaudy mark on the main character’s ear”

“Gaudy ? How dare she ! It’s cute.” Answered the singer smiling wide.

“Clarke you can’t mark me. Make-up is not enough to hide those things sometimes”

Clarke huffed “Should have told me beforehand. And you didn’t protest so it’s your fault”

“Clarke. You did it on purpose. I can almost hear the grin on your face”

“Maybe. I promise I won’t mark you again. Happy now ?”

“Unhappy but still employed”

Clarke chuckled “Your boss is SO strict ?”

“Not really but he wants to do things right. He wants his movie to be as perfect as it can be. He’s exigent but in a good way”

Then Clarke quickly got up. She had an idea “Say Lexa, you have work tomorrow morning ?”

“Yes. And I’ll have to say good night because I’m tired and need to wake up at 7am”

“So you still are a real bear huh ?”

“Not as much as before but a certain someone kept me awake at night for the past two weeks”

Maybe Clarke could play a little in the end. She grinned “Tell me who it is and I’m gonna spank her !”

“Nah. She likes it too much”

“What can I do to punish her then ?”

“You should try hanging up”

Silence fell. Lexa was too good. Way too good at this. “Wouldn’t it be like punishing YOU ?”

“You know I wanted to go to sleep after my bath right ? Now the water is cold and my eyes are closing on their own. It would be a relief”

“Wow. That hurts”

“Thought you wanted to punish her ?”

“Yeah but I changed my mind. You’re good enough at that by yourself”

Lexa laughed “Good night Clarke”

“Sleep well”

Lexa hung up, smiling. She got out of her bathtub, dried herself quickly and collapsed on her bed.

Clarke on her side spent the next half hour preparing her evil plan.

 

Lexa’s alarm rang at 7am as planned. She stayed in bed ten minutes. (You know ? Those precious ten minutes you don’t have time to take but do it anyway ?) Fully awake, she stood and opened the door of her room.

“Hello sweetheart, slept well ?”

Lexa froze. She stepped back, closed the door and a few seconds later opened it again. Noticing that the blonde in an apron was still in her living room, she rubbed her eyes, almost sure she was still asleep.

“Want me to bite your ear again ?”

Lexa frowned “Clarke what are you doing here ?”

“Making you breakfast ?”

“Wait, what day is it ? What time !?”

“Relax, it’s Wednesday and it’s seven in the morning”

“Then WHAT are you doing in my living room, in an apron ?”

“Told you, I’m here to make your breakfast” she answered with the most charming smile she could offer.

Lexa sighed. “The real reason Clarke”

“Take me to your work”

“Not a chance”

“What, it’s not allowed to bring your girlfriend to work in the cinema world ?”

Lexa raised an eyebrow “No it’s not forbidden to take our girlfriends on set but unfortunately, you’re not dating any member of the cast or even staff”

“Oh please Lexa ! I spent my night internet-stalking your boss, I want to meet him !”

“Clarke, no.”

Clarke was begging like a little girl “Why ?” then she made her cutest face “I made you coffee and pancakes…”

“Clarke you can’t just buy me with food”

The blonde had been waiting for this line. She grinned “Oh and with what could I buy you then ?”

Lexa raised her eyebrows and shook her head “I see what you’re trying to do here young lady but it won’t work”

Clarke approached Lexa slowly until their faces were just a few inches apart “You’re sure there’s nothing I could do ?” she said smiling.

“Go ahead. Use your charms as much as you want but my answer won’t change. It’s no.”

Clarke stepped back and sighed “But whyyyyyyyyy ?”

Lexa didn’t really have a reason (except maybe Murphy). She just didn’t want Clarke to come “Because. The cast is mostly masculine and I don’t know if I would be able to do my job correctly if I have to watch you at the same time”

“What ?” Clarke laughed “You’re telling me you don’t want me to come because you think your colleagues will try to hit on me ?”

“They can be jerks. And I’m serious. I’m not sure if I can work correctly if you’re here”

“You’re great actress you’ll find a way”

“But Clarke…” Lexa had no argument. No good reason. Nothing.

“Listen, if I see I’m disturbing, I’ll go. I won’t stay and be a dead weight on you I promise. But please take me with you !”

Lexa sighed.

“YES !” Clarke jumped, a large smile plastered on her face “Say it, admit that my arguments were good”

“Not important. You had me at “Hello sweetheart” anyway”

Clarke moved forward to place her arms around Lexa’s neck. She whispered “Thank you” in her ear and kissed her cheek before pulling out. “You should go get dressed. I’m not a pro but I think tank top and shorts won’t do the trick”

Lexa returned to her room with a smile.

_I won’t survive this woman…_

 

“If I understand correctly you’re planning to spend the whole day with me ?”

“Yes. From your work to the party tonight”

“Wait, the results of the audition are released this morning aren’t they ?”

“Yes. So what ?”

“I think you’re too scared to go check by yourself so you want to wait to have people to freak out with you”

“Pff. Don’t know what you’re talking about”

“You’re so afraid of the results that you prefer not knowing until it’s unavoidable. Like that, you don’t have to be disappointed or think about leaving your friends. Don’t say no, I know I’m right”

“Stop analysing me and drive”

Lexa smirked “You’re making that face again”

“What face ?”

“The one you do when you tried hard to hide something but failed”

“I wasn’t trying to hide anything”

“You have your eyebrows frowned, your lips are pursed and you’re playing with a lock of your hair”

“So What !? I can’t spend the day with you if I’m scared as fuck ? Thanks for the support !”

Lexa couldn’t help but smile. Clarke was pouting like a spoiled 6 years old girl “There’s nothing wrong with it. And we’ll have a great day” The brunette knew exactly what kind of line would follow.

“Lexa… What if we lose ?”

Lexa smirked. She was right “Lincoln told you he’d take you to L.A. anyway right ?”

“Yes but what if it doesn’t work even with him ?”

Clarke was an anxious person. And sometimes, she just needed to let it out. The brunette was used to that and knew too well that if it continued like that, she wouldn’t survive the day. Some anxiety was cute. Clarke’s anxiety was highly… irritating ? “Then you’ll have to go back to work at your mother’s hospital. Or…”

“Or…?”

“Or marry me”

“You’re planning on asking me to marry you everyday ?”

“Until you accept, maybe”

“I can’t decide if it’s ridiculous or romantic”

“Not important, just say yes”

“Not so easy girl”

“Too bad”

“And why would I marry you exactly ? You turned your back on me, you don’t cook, you could sleep for days, you don’t know how to use a computer and you’re a cry-baby”

“I’m rich”

Clarke considered it “Indeed. You have a point here”

“And famous”

“Don’t brag too much or you’ll regret it”

“Don’t have much time left for that anyway. We’re here” Lexa stopped the car and waited for Clarke to understand.

The blonde’s smile dropped “We’ll have to walk right ?”

“Precisely”

“How much ?”

“Twenty minutes”

Clarke sighed “Let’s go then” Two minutes of silence after exiting the car the blonde started to talk again “No but, seriously, why did they have to go lose themselves in the deepest part of a forest ? I thought that they had studios or FX for that”

Lexa smiled, shaking her head.

_This is going to be a looooong day…_

“Lexa, you listening to me ?”

“I heard you princess”

 

They reached the clearing/set a long half hour later because Clarke had forgotten to go to the toilets before leaving the apartment and she “just couldn’t hold it in any longer.”

“Let’s go see Roth first” Lexa was crossing her fingers and praying really hard for Murphy to be dead somewhere, at least today.

“Griffin ! What a surprise !”

An incredibly long and depressing sigh escaped Lexa’s lips and the blonde jumped at the voice coming from behind her “Murphy !? What are you doing here !?”

“Same as your girlfriend, I’m playing”

“Playing with my nerves all day, yes. Come on Clarke let’s ignore him”

“As you wish. Let me just say that I’m really happy to see my favourite lesbians back together”

Lexa was boiling inside. She hated him. Clarke on another hand despite her hatred for the guy, was actually enjoying it. Lexa trying desperately to control her killer instincts was fun to watch.

 

“Roth, hey”

The man stood from his chair and turned back to face the girl “Lexa ! Don’t tell me you’re earl-“ he stopped in his tracks and looked at Clarke “And… Who might that be ?”

“Hello, my name is Clarke Griffin”

“What are you doing for a living, Miss Griffin ?” he asked turning around her, smoothly dodging the hand Clarke had been tending to him, apparently checking things on her body or clothes or… Whatever she had no idea what he was doing.

The blonde looked at Lexa (a little embarrassed by the unknown man’s weird behaviour) and the brunette just gave her a “don’t worry” kind of face. “Um… I’m a surgeon and I’m waiting for the results of a band audition”

“Mhm ? Say, never thought about being an actress ?”

Clarke was starting to guess where everything was going “No Sir”

“Would you like to ?” asked the man now back in front of her.

“I don’t think so. You know MUSIC is my thing so…”

The man sighed, and made a sad face looking at the ground “Too bad. I was thinking about replacing Lexa for someone good looking and punctual but it seems I’ll have to finish this movie with her…”

Lexa’s mouth was agape. She was going to say something but Clarke was faster “I know. She’s terrible right ?” said the blonde, a hand on the man’s shoulder in comfort.

“Clarke you traitor…” said Lexa with a sad look.

“Lex please. Go get dressed, you’re wasting time” answered the blonde.

Lexa was mad. She turned back, straightened her back and walked quickly to the make-up tent.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you Clarke Griffin. A little bird is telling me we’re gonna be good friends. Call me Roth” he said grabbing her hand and shaking it.

“Pleasure shared mister”

“But please, no more teeth marks on our main actress’ ears”

Clarke grinned “Sorry”

“Nor hickeys on her neck” he added raising an eyebrow.

The blonde rolled her eyes “I got it”

The man went to sit on his chair again mumbling “Thighs and chest should be ok though”

_Oh I’m so gonna like this man…_

“Come on, sit with me and tell me more about your schedule and when you’re planning on replacing our favourite brunette”

Clarke did as said and started talking about everything and nothing at the same time. Half an hour later, She had sympathized with the entirety of the cast and staff (Murphy put aside) without effort and was in a deep conversation about Lexa when the said brunette’s voice called for her from behind.

“What the hell are you telling about me to my co-workers exactly ?”

At that Clarke turned back slowly to face the other girl “Oh just this time when we were younger and you-“

Lexa smirked, raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms. “And I what ?” she said lifting her chin.

Clarke was literally stunned. She detailed every part of Lexa’s body and she didn’t know if it was the braids, the corset, the sword, the armour, the red cloak or the black paint around Lexa’s eyes but… She liked it. A lot.

“Clarke ? Still on earth ?”

“Let her be Lexa, she’s trying to process how scary you look in this” said the man friendly slapping Lexa’s shoulder.

Clarke got dragged out of her delightful trance by a too well known voice. “Keep your eye sex for home girls. Not that I don’t enjoy the view but…”

Lexa clenched her fists. Clarke stepped closer to her and gently touched her arm, making her relax a little “He’s not worth it” She turned to Murphy and glared at him “You’re as disgusting as ever, you know that ?” Clarke took Lexa’s hand “Come on, let’s go” They started to walk towards Roth when Murphy added :

“Hey Lex, how does it feel for a puppy like you to reunite with its master after such a long time ?”

Lexa stopped, then turned around “I’ll kill him” Quint grabbed her shoulders keeping her from reaching the grinning man in front of her.

“Please Lexa, it’s just words !” Clarke too was trying to calm her but the girl had been dying of punching him for too long.

“I’ll break your jaw so bad that you won’t be able to use it and bother me with your annoying voice ever again !” yelled the brunette with gritted teeth.

“HEY ! What’s the problem here !?”

“Thank Lord, Roth ! Murphy crossed the borderline with Lexa this time”

“Lexa” the man turned to the agitated girl with severe eyes but his voice was soft “Go take a walk and calm down” then he looked at Murphy, pointing a tent “You, you go hide in this tent until I call for you. If you get out or dare to talk to Lexa again today, you’re fired”

Murphy lifted his arms, surrendering “Ok boss. See you later”

“Come on Lexa, let’s walk a little” Clarke dragged the other girl in the woods. They walked for a while in silence hand in hand. “He provoked you. It was normal” Lexa’s fists were clenching again and behind her straight face, the blond could see her anger burst. But there was something else.

“I wanted to hit him Clarke. I would’ve killed him”

Clarke shook her head, and stepped in front of Lexa. She cupped her face with her hands, forcing the brunette to look at her “Nothing happened. You didn’t hit him. You were pissed off for a good reason. You may have wished for him to be dead but you haven’t harmed him in the end and that’s what counts” The blonde stepped closer, hugging Lexa, one of her hands scratching the back of her head and the other drawing random patterns on her lower back. Clarke leaned her cheek on Lexa’s whispering “It’s ok. You’re safe. You haven’t harmed anyone. I’m here”

Lexa managed to relax a little and finally hugged Clarke back. “Thank you” she said burying her face in Clarke’s neck.

They stood like that for a few minutes before Lexa, back to her senses, pulled back. She grabbed Clarke’s hand and started running “Come on, I have something to show you”

Lexa led her to a really old and huge oak in a clearing nearby. “This one is easy. Let’s climb”

“Um… Lexa I haven’t climbed a tree in ten years, I’m not sure I can do it”

The brunette unclipped her cloak, letting it fall on the ground with her sword “Follow me, I know the branches”

Clarke sighed “Seriously what is your problem with trees…”

“Don’t know and don’t care, come on”

They climbed until they reached the last principal branch.

“Wow… That’s a view”

“Told you. Come here, sit”

They stayed like that for a minute, humming the air and admiring the landscape.

“What were you talking about earlier ?”

“That time when you thought one of the ducks was hurt and you swam after it fully clothed for twenty minutes, just to be sure it was alright”

“Thank you. They’ll tease me really hard now”

Clarke smiled “You’re welcome” She turned her head to look at the girl sitting next to her. Lexa had her eyes closed and her head slightly hanging back. She was beautiful. It was a statement Clarke had already made thousands of times but she still felt like she needed to point it out. She was surprised about how much Lexa had changed though. She used to be a timid, discreet and a whining young girl. But now she had something more adult about her, something strong but also kind of cold. When they were young, Clarke was clearly the dominant one but now Lexa was leading her wherever she wanted without effort. A part of Clarke was nostalgic, missing the smaller brunette, following her everywhere like a puppy. But the Lexa in front of her was very enticing. She wanted to know more about her, about what happened these past ten years.

Lexa, her eyes closed, was listening. Listening to the birds, the wind in the leaves and the breathing of Clarke. She still couldn’t believe it. So many things had changed in only four days. No maybe the change had started earlier, three weeks ago when she had made her first step in this town. Four days that Clarke was back in her life and she felt so at ease, like if they had never apart. Everything felt easy, natural, genuine. Clarke had changed, that was an evidence. She used to be a really polite and innocent little girl, not like the teaser (maybe a liiiiittle bit perverted) woman she was right now. But Lexa didn’t dislike that. Maybe she liked it a little. Ok let’s be honest : she loved it way too much.

Lexa opened her eyes and turned to look right into Clarke’s eyes. They stared at each other for a few seconds before Lexa lifted her hand to lightly scratch the nape of Clarke’s neck. The blonde’s heart stopped beating. Such thing was completely unexpected and way too pleasant. She tried to pull back but it seemed she had completely lost the control of her body. Then Lexa smiled. A genuine, honest, tender smile. She slowly pulled Clarke closer. The blonde leaned in, waiting for something, maybe something involving her mouth, just maybe, and she closed her eyes. But nothing like that happened. Lexa just tenderly kissed Clarke’s forehead, stood and started climbing down.

Clarke stayed still on her branch for a minute, processing what just happened. She wasn’t sure about anything anymore (except that she probably hadn’t been so flushed in her entire life) when she started climbing down. And even less when Lexa helped her get down the last branch by grabbing her hips. Clarke started walking still a little dazzled.

“Clarke… Where are you going ? You’re taking the wrong way”

Clarke looked back at a slightly worried Lexa “Mm ?” Lexa was starting to wonder if Clarke had hit her head or got dizzy climbing down because she seemed… Everywhere but here on the ground. “Oh yeah. You’re right. The other way. Sure.”

Lexa raised an eyebrow, taking the lead, looking back from time to time if the blonde was still following her and not passed out somewhere.

“Ah ! Here they are ! Where were you Commander, we almost waited you know ?”

“Sorry Roth, and thank you. I needed it”

“You’ve chill out ? Cool. Now, to work”

“Yes sir”

“Commander ?” Clarke got out of her trance at the word.

“Yes. I’m playing an army commander”

“Oh.” Clarke’s mind went wild for a moment, imagining a lot of not really catholic things before realizing she needed to cool down. “Um, Is there water somewhere ?”

Roth raised an eyebrow “To swim no, but to drink, in the blue tent”

“Ok. Coming back in a minute…”

Lexa frowned “You’re sure you’re ok Clarke ?”

“Yeah, weather’s hot today isn’t it”

The brunette wanted to protest, point out that it was winter and snow was still covering the ground but the blonde was already on her way to the tent.

“I’m sure she’s ok. Now on set please”

 

When Clarke got out of the tent, they had started filming. She silently walked and approached Roth. The man noticed her and pointed a chair a few meters away. She sat and watched. She watched Lexa “fight” and command and being a perfect badass and all she could do was bit her lip. She was starting to develop a costume fetish. And maybe a role play fetish. And maybe something with trees too.

 

“So, How was it ?” asked Lexa, sitting in the car.

“Awesome. You’ll take me with you again one day right ?”

The brunette smiled, starting the car “I’ll think about it. Where do you want to eat ?”

The blonde clapped her hands. She was hungry “Vie Family restaurant”

“Wait, Emily’s restaurant ?”

Clarke frowned “You know Emily ?”

“Yeah, I met her at her restaurant by chance two weeks ago and she recognized me so I gave her my autograph. I went back to this restaurant a couple of times since. They have really good carbonara, not as good as Anya’s but still”

Clarke smiled “Let’s order some then”

“Yeah”

A comfortable silence fell.

 

They arrived at the restaurant around 1pm (after 30 minutes of Clarke complaining and repeating “I’m hungryyyyyy”). They sat at a table in a corner, waiting for Emily.

The waitress approached Clarke smiling “Hello Clar-“ then making a really surprised face as the brunette turned to look at her “Mrs Lexa !?” The young woman’s gaze kept alternating between the two women as she was trying to understand how such thing could be possible (I mean we’d all be surprised to discover that a friend of the family is friend with your favourite actress right ?)

Clarke raised an eyebrow “Mrs Lexa ?”

Lexa glared at her then looked at Emily “I told you Emily, just Lexa’s fine” she said offering the girl the most sympathetic smile she could.

Something was bugging Clarke. There were way too much butterflies and flowers flying around Lexa and Emily for her liking. But the main problem was probably that Emily was cute. Like really. Small, red hair, green eyes, delicate features, and worst of the worst freckles. It was the kind of girl absolutely everyone want to protect, you know, the “too precious for this world” kind. She was looking at them talking and suddenly her stomach decided that she’d be fine waiting to find another restaurant.

“You’re still taking Carbonara Clarke ?”

The blonde jumped “Yes of course. Emily, 1 deluxe carbonara please”

Emily frowned “You’re sure you’ll be able to eat everything ?”

“No, it’s for the both of us. Cancel her order”

It was Lexa’s turn to raise her eyebrows. She crossed her arms, silently staring at Clarke.

“What ?” asked The blond after Emily had left, still a little tense.

“Nothing” She thought then grinned openly, lifting her chin. “Actually there is, you know, if you want to play Lady and the Tramp it’s not carbonara but bolognaise you need right ?”

Clarke rolled her eyes and blushed “We used to eat in the same plate when we were young. When I go for nostalgia time, I’m going all the way”

Lexa’s grin widened “Of course” But she wasn’t finished. She was starting to notice that Clarke’s jealousy and possessiveness had survived ten years of growing up. She uncrossed her arms and rested her elbows on the table, leaning her cheek on her hands, looking in Emily’s direction “You know this girl is actually pretty cute. Small, kind, always happy to see you”

Clarke cut her “She‘s paid for that”

“You’re unbelievable you know that ? You’re 25 and still get jealous like a little girl”

The blonde averted her eyes, her cheeks slightly flushed “I’m not jealous”

“Please Clarke, you’re an adult, admit it. You’re totally the jealous and possessive type. If you were an animal you’d cover all your things with pheromones saying “mine, don’t touch !” Clarke blushed even harder changing her angry face for a shy, almost guilty expression and it hit Lexa “Wait… Don’t tell me you still put your initials on everything that’s yours…” Clarke looked at the ceiling, a hand on her mouth and Lexa burst out laughing “Seriously Clarke ?” she managed to articulate.

“What ? How do I let people know it’s mine otherwise ?”

Lexa calmed down a little, still giggling from time to time. “I hope you didn’t tattooed your name on Octavia and Raven because it would be really creepy” Clarke bit her bottom lip “No…”

“Of course not ! I just… I kinda thought about it for a moment… I’d have had Raven and Octavia tattooed on me too of course” Lexa laughed again “Don’t mock me !” and now Clarke was pouting. It was too much for the brunette. Things had changed in Clarke but the best was definitely still there.

“You’re killing me Clarke” said Lexa between two laughs.

“At least I’m not proposing in weird situations !”

Lexa grinned “You’re a mean little girl aren’t you ?” 

Clarke threw paper towels at the brunette “Screw you Lexa !”

Emily had came back at the table, a big plate of carbonara in her hands and was just standing there, looking. Clarke blushed furiously.

“Go ahead, she won’t attack me anymore” said Lexa with a wide smile, quickly throwing a mischievous glance at Clarke. Emily put down the plate, smiled and returned to the kitchen, wondering what had just happened. And why her friend Clarke seemed so angry at her.

“Let’s dig in then” Lexa took her first bite “Hummm god ! It’s so good. Especially when you’re hungry”

Clarke too took her first bite and Lexa was right. Those pastas were good. But not good enough for her to forget the annoying waitress.

Lexa was looking at Clarke eating. Another thing that hadn’t changed apparently : her capacity to paint her face with food with each bite. At least in ten years she had learned to wipe it from time to time but still. Pastas finished, Emily came back.

“Dessert ?”

Lexa had an idea “Yes please. Ice cream, vanilla for me and chocolate for Clarke”

Emily disappeared again and Clarke asked “Since when are you ignoring the “ask” phase ?”

“You were hungry earlier and I know you always have some space left for ice cream. You were going to order it anyway”

“True but you could’ve asked”

Lexa smiled “Yeah, yeah sorry”

“You’re not sorry”

“Not really”

A few minutes later Emily came back with their order and put them on the table before leaving, carefully avoiding the blonde’s angry eyes.

“You’re scaring her”

“So what ?”

“Stop looking at her like you want to kill her”

“Sorry don’t know what you’re talking about !” Clarke quickly extended her arm to steal a full spoon from Lexa’s ice cream with a mischievous smile.

Lexa smirked “Give me a spoon of yours”

Clarke plunged her spoon in her ice cream and extended her hand “Say “Ah”

Lexa, locking eyes with Clarke, slowly wrapped her lips around the spoon, licked it and sucked on it for a few long seconds before pulling back, running her tong on her lips. The blonde was frozen, mouth agape, her spoon still in the air. “You should eat your Ice cream before it melts, creampuff” added Lexa with an evil grin. Then the brunette ate quickly so that she could be finished before Clarke. After the blonde had eaten her last spoon, Lexa extended her arm to rub her thumb on the corner of Clarke’s lips, wiping some chocolate. Without breaking eye contact, the brunette lingeringly leaned her finger on her lips, sucking at it a little before letting her hand fall back on her lap saying “That chocolate was the best” She winked and stood, heading to the bathroom, leaving a very lost Clarke behind.

“Nailed it” she thought, smirking.


	25. Chapter seventeen : I am NOT possessive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update but I was kinda busy.   
> like always, I hope you enjoy it ;)

Clarke was losing. At HER OWN game. A chance she hadn’t bet anything... But she still had a chance to win the next battle : the supermarket.

“So. Do we need to bring alcohol or…”

“I don’t think so but let’s take some anyway. And pay Echo for what we drink or she’ll have to close the bar in no time”

“OK let’s start with alcohol then”

Clarke was the one pushing the shopping cart and Lexa liked that. She didn’t know if it was because she actually had plans with Clarke and were preparing for it with her or because people could totally think they were a couple. She thought for a minute : two women shopping usually meant BFF. Ok maybe people wouldn’t see them as a couple but SHE could picture that and that’s what’s important right ?

“Clarke, what are you doing ?”

“Searching for ingredients”

“But all we need are snacks and booze”

“Not if you want me to sleep with you and cook for you tomorrow. Your cupboards are awfully empty”

Lexa raised an eyebrow “You’re planning on sleeping at my place tonight and cook for me tomorrow ? Since when ?”

“Just now”

“You know I can’t take you to work every day right ?”

Clarke finally turned to look at her prey “Listen. Tonight Raven is bringing her boyfriend and our apartment is closer to The Den than Finn’s so that’s probably where Bell is going to drop them. Do I need to tell you more or can I stop now ? ‘Cause seriously some secrets must be kept and memories left buried in a corner of my brain…”

Lexa made a face “I think I got it”

“Good. And if you don’t want me to stay I’ll just go ask Octav-“ Clarke stopped to think and frowned “No… Even she is not safe…”

“Why ?”

“Because I’m pretty sure she has a thing for your cousin and I don’t want to be in the way”

“And Echo ? ”

Clarke shook her head “Nope. She’s spending the night with Bell”

Lexa couldn’t help but smile at the news. She might actually start to like the boy now.

“What ? Why are you smiling like that ?” asked the blonde raising an eyebrow.

“Because now I’m pretty sure he won’t court you anymore”

The blonde raised an eyebrow. She knew Lexa was old fashioned sometimes but still “Court ? Seriously ? And wait, what ?”

“He was totally into you back then, you know that right ?”

Clarke thought for a minute before pushing the idea away “Naaaaah. He’s like my big brother”

Lexa sighed “Poor guy, now I’m pitying him…”

“And please, stop seeing rivals where there aren’t”

“Wait, YOU’RE the one saying that !? After the whole ‘Emily’ thing ?”

The blond averted her eyes, her ‘pouting face’ nearly back on “You said it right ? ‘It’s in my nature’ or something” silence fell and Lexa was grinning, following behind Clarke. The brunette was counting in her head.

_And 5, 4, 3, 2, …_

Clarke quickly turned back to face Lexa with angry eyes “And we’re not the same, ‘cause you didn’t have an ‘almost-siblings’ relationship with her and you still offered her hearteyes !”

Lexa’s grin widened “See ? You’re seeing things. I looked at her kindly because she is nice and cute. Like a kitten. You wouldn’t be jealous of a kitten ri-“ she had to stop when Clarke turned her back on her and started pushing her cart again without a word. “You’re a desperate case you know that right ?” The blonde stayed silent and Lexa sighed “OK what do you want me to do ?”

“Stop seeing he-“

“No.”

“Why not ? It’s not like you know her or anything anyway !” said Clarke that had angrily turned to look at Lexa once again.

“Because first : I’m leaving in two months and it’s not like I’ll see her every day or something because in case you forgot, I have to work, so even if I wanted to start a simple friendly relationship with her I couldn’t. Second : I will NEVER put an end to one of my relationships because of you” Clarke made a face and Lexa, passing by Clarke, added “And third : her gentle cuteness cannot compete with your angry one” She smirked and took the cart.

Clarke was fuming. The girl was driving her crazy on purpose. And she was on the verge of losing. Lexa was dangerous. Really dangerous. “Let’s just buy this booze and snacks and go”

“Yes ma’am”

Alcohol in the cart, they headed to the impressive snacks department. Clarke started to fill the cart with different snacks. “Clarke, you’re planning on buying one of each or…”

“We’ll be at least 10. We need food if we want to drink. And since none of us cook…”

“You have a point”

“Say, is that ok if we stop by my apartment on the way home ? I need to feed Christa and take clothes for tonight”

“No problem”

Their cart filled with things really bad for their health, they paid, jumped in the car and drove to Clarke’s place.

“Baby !  Where are you my love ?”

Lexa rolled her eyes. Clarke would be a terrible mom. Christa came out of Clarke’s room meowing and running to… Lexa’s legs, despite her mom’s open arms. Clarke’s eyes widened in shock.

“But… But why ?”

Lexa took the cat in her arms and the little animal started purring “Maybe she’s trying to punish you for spending so much time with me”

“You broke my heart again Lexa… How could you… Taking my baby away from me… unforgivable…”said the blond, dramatically steadying herself with the back of the couch.

“She came at me on her own”

“You know what, I’m just going to lie down a little, good night”

Lexa smiled. She put Christa on the counter, searched for her food and fed her. Then she headed to Clarke’s room. The brunette could only see her back, on the farthest side of the bed (leaving of course enough space for another human being). Lexa smiled again and laid down next to the blonde. After a couple of minutes, Clarke asked “How will you make me forgive you ?”

“I don’t know. What do you want me to do ?”

Clarke waited for a moment then she lifted the arm resting on her side a little. Lexa turned on her side wrapping her arms around the blonde’s waist and pulling her closer. The brunette buried her face in the nape of her neck mumbling “I used to be the little spoon”

“You used to be smaller”

“True”

Lexa closed her eyes, inhaling the skin of her precious blonde like if it was the most delicious thing that had ever existed. Clarke on her side took one of Lexa’s hands in her own, intertwining their fingers and closed her eyes.

When she opened them again two hours later she saw the night knocking at her window and looked at her clock. She panicked “Lexa ! Lexa wake up it’s 6pm hurry !” The brunette got out of her slumber slowly as Clarke was rummaging in her closet “Come on teddy bear, wake up !”

Lexa’s feet guided her to her car on their own.

“Oh no young lady, you’re so not driving like that ! You look like a zombie. Let me drive”

“You have your licence ?”

“Yes, I just… Don’t really like driving cars”

“Ok” Lexa yawned really hard and changed seat for the passenger’s one.

 

Half an hour later, when she exited the car, Lexa was fully awake and her heart was beating way too fast.

“You told me you had your licence…”

“Well, technically I have it…”

Lexa’s face was as white as a ghost and her legs were trembling “I thought we were going to die…”

“Oh shut up and let’s go prepare”

The four floors of stairs had never seemed so mean and sneaky and long and unclimbable to Lexa. When she finally reached her door she opened it and Clarke was the first one to enter.

“Borrowing your shower !”

With that the blonde disappeared in Lexa’s bathroom like a rabbit in her den only to get out of it half an hour later.

Lexa was tidying up the food Clarke had bought earlier when the blonde exited the bathroom totally naked (ok wrapped in a towel but it was really short so it made no real differences, maybe even worse) and crossed the living room. Lexa dropped the pastas pack she was holding and just stared at the girl in her apartment. Clarke squat in the entry, rummaging in her bag. “Ah ! found it !“ Her clothes in her hand she approached the statued Lexa and kissed her cheek “Forgot my panties” she winked and returned to the bathroom. A minute later, Lexa came back to her senses and realised Clarke had been dripping water in her whole apartment. She sighed, got on four legs and started to mop up when Ymir got out of her room asking for food.

“Ok I’m gonna feed you, just wait until I’m finished with Clarke’s stupidity’s consequences” But Ymir was meowing and rubbing herself on Lexa’s face, keeping her from wiping the floor correctly “Alright, alright I’ll feed you now” The brunette stood, grabbed the cat food on the fridge. She walked toward the cat’s plate, opening the can. And what had to happen, happened. Lexa slipped on the water and fell. When Clarke got out of the bathroom she found Lexa, butt on the watery floor, cat food covering her shirt and the can on her head. The blonde burst out laughing despite Lexa’s death glare.

“You know all of this is your fault right ?”

Clarke had to steady herself on the door frame. She wished she had a camera. It was totally the kind of photo people use for blackmailing. Lexa tried to get up and tripped again, forcing Clarke to sit on the floor and grip her sides. The brunette waited patiently for Clarke to calm down. Five minutes later the blonde finally managed to get up and help her.

“No but seriously you did it on purpose ? It’s impossible for the can to fall exactly on your head and stay on it like that, IMPOSSIBLE”

Lexa sighed. “Well I wouldn’t have believed that too if I wasn’t the one suffering it…”

Clarke chuckled “Go take a shower, I’ll feed your cat and wipe my mess” and she kissed her on the cheek again, because, believe it or not, she felt a little guilty.

Cat food fragrance wasn’t really Lexa’s favourite so… The shower she took was one of the best she ever had.

When she got out of the bathroom in just her underwear the blonde had disappeared. She stepped into her room and turned on the light.

“Boo yah !”

“Waaaah !” Lexa yelled and jumped “Clarke ! I almost had a heart attack ! What do you have against me today !?”

“Nothing”

Surprisingly, Clarke, on Lexa’s bed wasn’t laughing this time. She was just staring at the brunette a smile on her face. “What ? You look like you’re preparing something worse” asked the victim in a defensive stance.

“No. Just enjoying the view”

Lexa sighed. She opened her closet, turning her back on Clarke and leaned down. She yelped when she fell something slapping her ass. She turned back to look at (grinning) Clarke with wide eyes.

“What ? Thought you might love it. At first I wanted to use the belt right there but the scarf seemed more friendly”

“What’s gotten into you seriously…” she had a bad feeling about Clarke’s behaviour.

“Don’t be so shocked and come here” Clarke patted the space on the bed in front of her.

Lexa squinted her eyes in mistrust “Can I dress first ?”

“Absolutely not. Come on I won’t do anything, promise” The brunette sat in front of Clarke and waited. The mischievous smile on the blonde’s face was devilish. “Remember when you got out of my apartment wearing my clothes ?” Lexa nodded “Well, I had THAT-” she handed a bag to the brunette “-In my room and I thought that I would gladly appreciate it if you’d be willing to wear it again. Tonight. Oh and I washed it of course” Clarke would definitely win this one.

Lexa smiled and shook her head “You already saw me in this, why making me wear it again ?”

“Because I want to brag. I want to show everyone how beautiful my dance partner is”

Clarke’s prey raised an eyebrow “Your dance partner ?”

“Yes. There’s no party without music and tonight you’re my dance partner !”

“Why do you look so happy about that ?”

“Well… Almost everyone has a girlfriend or a boyfriend and I’m just glad that I won’t be left alone”

Lexa smirked “And who said I’d be willing to dance with you ?”

“You cannot refuse”

The brunette crossed her arms “Why is that ?”

Clarke grinned wildly “Because I know you’re DYING to dance with me” Yep. She had won this fight for sure.

Lexa shrugged “All you want is to see me in a dress right ?”

“Definitely”

“OK but not this one. It’s too ‘classy’ for that kind of party”

“Wait, you have other dresses ?”

A smirk was the brunette’s only answer before she stood and picked a dress out of her closet “What do you think of this one ? More casual right ?”

The dress was tight, black, long sleeved with a turtleneck. And shorter than the other. Really shorter.

Clarke swallowed “Put it on. Just to see if it suits you. For science you know ?” Lexa put on the dress and waited for the blonde’s approval. Clarke was biting her lip, judging. “Isn’t this… a little bit too short ?”

Lexa looked at herself “It’s only mid-thigh you know ? That’s not SO short. Plus, thought you wanted other people to look at me and envy you ?”

Clarke had just lost again. She was starting to lose hope… But it would be too easy. Nothing, NOTHING too serious could happen between her and Lexa before a while. Not at least until a few months, those few months during roles would be reversed, with Lexa here and Clarke in L.A. No playing was fine but she’d have to maintain the line between them as long as possible.

Clarke couldn’t help but smirk “Yes you’re right. This one’s perfect”

As usual guess what Lexa thought ? ‘ _Nailed it’_ of course.

 

 

The two girls arrived at The Den around 8pm, right after everyone obviously.

“FINALLY !” yelled Raven “Finally my favourite hottie is here !” then she frowned “Wait, where’s Lexa ? You promised you’d bring her”

“Don’t worry, she’s just parking the car” In front of Clarke, all of her friends, Raven and Finn, Octavia, Bellamy, Echo, Jasper, Monty, Anya, Lincoln of course and… “Maya was it ? Maya the waitress from Emily’s restaurant right ?”

The girl blushed “Yes, it is nice to see you again Clarke”

“I invited her” said Jasper proudly.

“STOP bragging, we KNOW that you were the one asking her out so shut up”

“Monty, help me, Octavia’s mean to m-“ but Monty was nowhere to be found.

He got out of the toilets a few seconds later “You said something ?”

Jasper and him went playing their own little ‘you’re my friend you should be on my side !’ theatre in a corner of the bar with Maya watching. Clarke walked forward to hug Anya.

“How are you ? My sister’s not bothering you too much ?”

“Actually, SHE was the one that was on my back all day”

Everyone turned to look at the woman in the entry. Lexa was nervous. She hadn’t seen Clarke’s friends since high school and after what she did to Clarke she was pretty sure everyone would hate her or at least be cold “Lexa, little sis’ ! We almost waited you know”

“Whoa Lexa… You were hot in high school but I have to admit that what I’m looking at right now is… how should I say that…” Lexa smiled. Raven was the same, exactly the same.

“Don’t say it at all”

Octavia sighed “Clarke, you reconciled not a week ago and you’re already putting your name on her ? To think I thought you had grown up…”

Raven grinned. It was her ‘let’s talk about Clarke’s embarrassing past’ ritual “Hey O, remember when we first met Lexa ?”

“Oh yeah… What a joke”

“Oh no you’re not gonna tell that” said Clarke, menacing.

Echo, that was starting to understand the group dynamic and asked “What is ‘that’ ?”

“Yeah, I want to hear this side of the story too” added Anya with a mischievous smile. Of course her sister had never been so grateful for such little question.

Clarke sighed and Raven started “Clarke and Lexa met the summer of our 11th grade. But we only met her in autumn three months later”

“Three months ? Why so long ?” asked Maya, suddenly back in the conversation.

“Why do you think ? Clarke was just SO jealous ! She was frightened by the fact that maybe we could steal Lexa from her…”

“Oh please O. it wasn’t for that. It just didn’t occur to me that you wanted to meet her SO much” said the blonde crossing her arms.

“Clarke. You spent 3 fucking months talking only about her and how she was ‘so cute’ or ‘so cool’ and ‘kind’ and ‘so, SO beautiful’ and I think you said ‘hot’ one or two times. You were SO hooked on her damn !”

“I wasn’t ‘hooked’. I was happy to have a new friend. And I’m not so possessive”

“Clarke, Clarke, Clarke… You’re an adult so PLEASE at LEAST admit what you felt back then and that you actually ARE possessive. Oh and stop with this pouting face”

“Why are you all so mean to me today… I’m not SO possessive, am I ?” asked the blonde turning to her eternal ally : Monty.

The boy made a sad face “I’m sorry Clarke but this time I agree with them”

“And you haven’t heard the best. When we actually met Lexa she was way more shy than today. She was so cute we couldn’t help but tease her, and by teasing her of course I mean Clarke because every time we were ‘playing’ with Lexa, Clarke’s eyes darkened so much it was oddly nostalgic”

“Nostalgic ?” asked Echo, mentally asking Clarke to forgive her.

“Yep. Clarke had a bad habit as a child. Every time she found a new toy, if you dared taking it from her she’d get really mad. But like really, REALLY mad. And she was cute when she was fuming. One day she ended up being particularly violent though” the boy raised an eyebrow smirking.

“Bellamy… I swear to god… If you go any further with this story I’ll beat the hell out of you…”

Raven and Octavia both grabbed one of Clarke’s arms “Go ahead big bro, release the terrifying info !”

“Well, one day we were in park Jaha and a taller boy approached Clarke that was calmly playing sitting on the ground. He took her horse plush from her and guess what happened ?”

“Bell don’t…” Clarke’s gaze was alternating between Bellamy and Lexa, fearing the boy’s next sentence.

Bellamy smirked. He talked focusing his attention on Lexa “Of course she sent him to the hospital with a broken nose, a few teeth marks, and well… Let’s just say the mother of the boy wasn’t sure she’d be able to be a grandmother anymore”

Everyone burst out laughing except Clarke. She looked at Lexa and turned bright red when the other girl held back a laugh and grinned, offering the blonde the most obvious ‘told you’ look she could. 

“Hey, want to hear about that time when Clarke and I were in a supermarket and she-“

The blonde’s eyes widened. She yelled “JASPER !” before putting a hand on his mouth “You swore we’d never talk about it ever again !”

 

Lexa went to sit on one of the stool in front of the bar, having a delicious view of Clarke fighting with her friends. After a while Octavia went to sit on her left and Raven on her right.

“Listen carefully Lexa, if we’re acting cool with you it’s ONLY because of Clarke” said Raven, putting her arm around the actress’ shoulders

“Yeah, hurt her again and we’ll break your arms and legs and destroy all you care about”

“As long as you’re correct with her we’ll be correct with you. You were also our friend after all”

“And we liked you too. So don’t you dare run away like that again” warned Raven with a smile.

Lexa couldn’t speak. Her throat was way too tight. What Octavia and Raven were saying was true. It took her some time but Lexa had been a real member of Clarke’s team at some point and the two girls had been her friends too. Lexa nodded, not really trusting her voice.

“Good” said Octavia, slapping Lexa’s thigh before running and jumping on Clarke’s back.

“Move your ass and come join us” added Raven punching Lexa’s shoulder before running and jumping on Octavia’s back that was already on Clarke’s.

And of course they all fell.

Lexa chuckled but didn’t move. She spent the next ten minutes just sitting there, on her stool in the dark, watching her old friends having fun together. It was hard to look at and really pleasant at the same time. Seeing them being happy felt great but she wanted to be a part of it again. There was something inside her screaming ‘it’s not your world anymore’ and she just couldn’t find the strength inside her to step forward. Clarke noticed.

The blonde approached Lexa with a smile “Nostalgia time ?”

“I feel like a stranger”

“Yes, because you are” said Clarke, arranging Lexa’s hair.

The brunette sighed “Ten years is such a long time”

“It is. But now you’re here and they know it. And they are angry because you were a precious friend and turned your back on them but they still like you. A lot of things changed in ten years but they- no, WE know how you are deep down and that you’re a good person. You just have to show them that you’re still the good girl you were, that you still love them like you used to and that you won’t run away and turn your back on them again. Prove them you can close the gap” Clarke’s hand gently brushed Lexa’s cheek and the brunette closed her eyes “But you need to take the first step. They’re not like me. I wanted you so I came and took you by the hand and now I’m trying to tie you up and keep you close. But they’re not like me. They’ll never trust you or respect you or accept you if you’re not the one making the first step. I reached out to you but YOU will have to be the one to reach out to them”

When Lexa opened her eyes, the blonde had joined her friends again. She took a deep breath and stood.

 

Clarke was nervous. Bellamy had called for everyone to gather around him. He was ready to open the letter with the results of the audition.

“Everyone’s here ? Perfect !” 

Clarke grabbed Lexa’s hand and Bellamy started to read.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so ? How do you like possessive Clarke ?


	26. Chapter eighteen : Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, SO sorry for the late update guys, honestly ! I just survived a week without internet and seriously, life should be about more than that ! Anyway here's the new chapter. I know it is short but I have two more ready but will post them in two days. Hope you like it as always and, if you have something to say then please do it in the comment area or even on facebook if you want (mimille koishi)   
> Thanks for reading !

Lexa woke before her alarm, around 7am. Her body felt sore for many reasons. First because she had danced a lot the day before wearing heels she wasn’t used to. Second because she had to carry a certain blonde from her car to her bed on her back, which was a great achievement if you take into account the fact that Clarke was struggling, repeating ‘I can walk on my own !’. And third probably because of her current sleeping position. She didn’t know how it happened. She was on her back, as usual but her body was crushed under another one.

Clarke was on her belly, her body fully pressed on the girl under her. The blonde had her head rested on Lexa’s chest, arms tightly wrapped around her waist and one of her legs was between the brunette’s.

Lexa untangled her hands from Clarke’s hair to put them on the blonde’s back, intending to gently put her aside. But she froze when she felt bare skin under her fingertips. From both of her hands. The one on Clarke’s back as much as the one on her butt (yes she wanted to reach her lower back but… those things happens right ?). Her eyes opened wide and she tried to remember what could’ve happen in this bed. The last memory she had was drunk Clarke in pyjamas lying next to her, snoring. A crazy idea crossed her mind, she checked her own body : she was dressed. Then what in the world could’ve happened during the night !?

The brunette swallowed, her mind going wild, involuntarily squeezing her hands, making a loud sleepy moan escape the blonde’s mouth. This situation, as unexplainable as it was, was deadly dangerous. With all the safe control in the world, Lexa tried to move under Clarke. Her determination wavered again when, to steady herself and gather some strength, she raised slightly her thigh between the blonde’s legs, eliciting another awfully enticing moan.

It was too much. Lexa had two options : follow her heart (but let’s be honest and say body) or her head. Of course, as a reasonable person she had learned that if you don’t want to deal with consequences of “something” you have to avoid doing that “something” in the first place. So she just rolled on her side, pulling the groaning blonde with her. Then she unwrapped herself from Clarke’s arms as fast as she could and sat on the bed, covering the other girl without looking (she still saw some appetizing things but heroically ignored them. Almost). She stood and  ran to her bathroom. In front of her shower though she stopped. She looked at herself for a few seconds. Her T-shirt was covered in drool and her pants… Let’s not talk about it. She blushed slightly at the realisation before taking off her pyjamas and stepping into her shower. She yelped as cold water was running along her body. Cold showers in winter weren’t really the most recommended thing to do but she needed it, needed to cool down. And quickly.

Half an hour later she got out of her bathroom, wrapped in a towel. She passed by her kitchen then silently walked to her room and threw a rapid look in it, suspicious. She shouldn’t have. The blonde was on her back, her waist totally exposed. Lexa blushed again and averted her eyes focusing on the ceiling. Then she took a deep breath and tried to reach her closet closing her eyes. Bad, BAD idea. She tripped on a cloth and hit the back of her head on her wooden closet. She repressed a really strong scream and bought both of her hands on her throbbing scalp, leaning her back on the closet and letting herself slide on it until her now bare ass reached the ground. She curled up, biting her lower lip, trying not to cry.

“Lexa ?”

All pain disappeared in an instant. Lexa slowly lifted her head and her eyes met the blonde’s. Clarke, still half asleep was sitting on the bed, looking at her with a confused expression on her face.

“Clarke…”

The blonde frowned “Why are you naked ?”

Lexa, forgetting everything just grabbed random underwear, pants and shirt and stormed out of the room, closing the door.

A shiver ran down Clarke’s spine. She frowned again then blushed furiously noticing her own nakedness.

_What the HELL happened here !?_

Out of her room, Lexa’s heart was beating way to fast. She leaned her back on the door and closed her eyes, taking deep breaths, trying to process what happened and her current situation. The brunette’s yelped for the third time in less than 24 hours when she felt Ymir’s tail brushing lightly her lower thigh.

Ymir was magnificent. A perfect first generation savannah. Her father was a beautiful and elegant serval and her mother a normal but not less beautiful tall cat. Both parents had made the most perfect savannah ever (for Lexa), as tall as a serval but with the long tail of a cat. Lexa loved her, loved Ymir, with Clarke she was the only perfection in this world. Or so she thought. Right now she just wanted to scream how much she hated her cat for being tall enough to reach her inner thighs with the tip of her tail.

Lexa swore “Fu- Shit !” Yes, the word she was looking for was ‘shit’ of course. It’s not like there were any other swearword fitting the situation (and Lexa’s state of mind) than this one right ?

The girl dressed quickly and exited her apartment.

 

 

Clarke’s body temperature rose at an incredible speed, making her whole body redden in embarrassment. She covered herself or, to be more precise, hid under the covers. All she could hear was her beating heart’s pulse until an unexpected yelp followed by a ‘Fu- Shit !’. She got out of the sheets, slightly worried. She pressed her ear on the door and heard different noises then a door slamming. Everything silent again, Clarke put on one of Lexa’s long pyjama T-shirt and finally opened the door.

“Lexa…?”

There were nobody else in the living room but Ymir, meowing, asking for food. Clarke smiled at her then winced. Adrenaline (and sleep) disappearing from her system, her body decided to help her recall how wasted she had been the evening before. Hangovers were torture and karma, definitely, a bitch.

“I’ll feed you, just give me a minute.”

Clarke was trying and of course failing to stop the hammer in her head by massaging her temples. When she reached the counter her eyes fell on a glass of water, a box of pills, keys and a note. She put two pills in her mouth and drank. Then she connected as much healthy neurones as she could and read the note.

 

 

Lexa was in her car when she realised a few things. Her socks were odd, her throat dry, her stomach empty, her hair still dripping wet and worst of all, she had forgotten to take back the note on the counter. The note was meant to be a tease for Clarke that she wrote exiting the bathroom, just a little almost innocent joke. But after what just happened she felt weird about it. Maybe this little note was too much. She searched for her phone but couldn’t find it.

“Fu-“ she shook her head “Shit !”

The brunette was torn apart. Not knowing if she’d rather go back to her apartment and take the risk to run into Clarke again or just go to work and maybe get a cold and a few missed phone calls.

“Oh fuck it !” and she started her car.

 

 

Clarke was standing in the kitchen with a smile plastered on her face.

_Hello sleeping beauty, hope your hangover isn’t too strong after what happened yesterday night ;) Here are medicine and keys of my apartment so you can close the door when you leave. There’s some money under Ymir’s food for a taxi and feel free to use my kitchen._

_Once again, congratulations, I’m proud of you._

Lexa was definitely the cutest. Then Clarke noticed the little arrow. She turned the piece of paper and her eyes widened.

_By the way, glad to see you’re still my dear little pony ;)_

The blonde blushed terribly. She hadn’t been called like that since high school. Not even by Octavia and Raven.

She fed Ymir, called a taxi, dressed, slipped the note in one of her pockets and left Lexa’s apartment, red never leaving her face.


	27. Chapter nineteen : Confusion, Lexa's side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't misunderstand me : I LOVE Lexa but... torturing her like that feels too good I can't help it...

“Anya !” The woman jumped behind her counter but before she could react, her little sister had disappeared in the staircase screaming “borrowing your hairdryer !”

Anya turned to her clients offering her most ‘I have no idea what happened so please don’t ask’ smile. She shrugged and added “Family !”

Fifteen minutes later, Lexa was storming into the café again, exiting it as fast as she could, leaving her sister frozen again. A few seconds later, the brunette reappeared, pushing the front door just enough for her head to pop in “Thank you ‘sis” and she vanished again. Clients in the coffee shop laughed and Anya sighed, “This girl…” she thought.

 

When Lexa entered the tent of Carrie and Emori two hours early, the two women threw her the most incredulous look.

The actress frowned “What ? Why is everyone looking at me like that today ?”

Emori hesitated “… Lexa, you DO realise that you’re 2 hours early right ?”

“Really !?” answered Lexa a blank expression on her face. She knew she was early but not SO much.

“Did something happened ? You seem… Tense ?”

Lexa’s cheeks reddened a little “I just… I hit my head on my closet and it pissed me off so I ran here”

Carrie sighed, shaking her head “Something happened with your girlfriend ?”

The shocked brunette’s jaw dropped in sync with her arms and shoulders. Then she frowned almost disgusted “How do you do that !?”

The hairdresser laughed “Seriously ? With so much red on your face it wasn’t difficult”

“Come on tell us. Maybe we can help” said Emori with a smile, patting the stool in front of her.

Lexa sat. She opened and closed her mouth a few times then shook her head “I’m sorry I can’t…  Don’t want to think about it. Just do my hair and make-up and let’s not talk about it ever again”

The two other women looked at each other, an eyebrow raised. Then with a smirk Emori started “It was in bed wasn’t it ?”

 

Half an hour of interrogatory later :

“Lexa, you’re a saint”

“Carrie’s right. You’re a hero”

“Don’t mock me…” weakly answered Lexa, defeated. The two women had been cruel and alarmingly perceptive…

“I’m not mocking you ! I’m serious ! I would’ve jumped on the occasion, if I may say so” said the hairdresser, winking at her poor prey.

“But I don’t understand why you’re so shocked and bothered by it. It could even be fun to let her freak out a little. Maybe she’s going to date you for real after that !”

“There’s no real problem between us, I’ll clarify the situation after work. No the real problem is in my head…”

Emori grinned widely “You can’t take her beautiful naked body out of it can you ?”

Lexa grabbed her scarf on her lap and threw it at her make-up artist/torturer’s face. Then she stood only to pace in the tent fists clenched, eyes closed, mumbling “Think about puppies, think about puppies !” Both Carrie and Emori burst out laughing.

“Wow what’s happening here ?”

“Quint ! You’re here just in time ! I have something funny to show you” Carrie tried to repress her devilish smile when she started humming ‘What’s new pussycat’. It took a few seconds for Lexa to recognise the song, and a few more to remember the lyrics but when she did she froze and blushed like crazy. She exited the tent as fast as her legs permitted her, almost yelling “Puppies ! Puppies ! Lexa, think about puppies !”

Quint’s eyes were wide when he turned to look at the two laughing women “Ok, I’ll need an explanation like, STAT”

Emori managed to recover before Carrie “Well our little baby saw Clarke naked by accident and can’t chase those images out of her mind”

Quint smirked “I have a really mean and funny idea right now”

“I think we have the same my friend…” added a grinning Carrie, shaking the man’s hand.

 

Lexa managed to calm a little after washing her face and breathing the cold winter air. She decided it was time for her to change clothes. Maybe she’d feel better in her ‘commander costume.’

_Alycia, give me strength…_

When she entered the changing room/tent, a pile of clothes was ready on the bench with a note on it saying : _for the commander, with all our love, Carrie and Emori._ _PS : there’s a little bonus, figured you’d need a change ;)_

Lexa frowned and removed her shirt. Then she searched in the pile of clothes for her costume’s top. What she found was… Unexpected. Not one, nor two but TEN white panties. Lexa’s reaction was interesting. First she wondered then understood. She got shocked of course but ended up laughing. It was a good joke. Yes a joke of course. Until… Until she realised how much her co-workers might be right. She put on her ‘Heda’ top and unceremoniously grabbed the rest of the clothes leaving only nine panties behind.

When Carrie and Emori (that had been waiting for this, Lexa was sure of it) saw Lexa exit the tent half changed they laughed again and Carrie yelled “Need help with this or you’ll be able to deal with it on your own commander ?”

Lexa rolled her eyes and finally locked herself in the toilets. She exited them ten minutes later, fully dressed. She returned to the changing tent, passing by Carrie and Emori again but with her head held high this time (the ‘commander’ effect probably). She tidied up her casual clothes into her designated locker and turned to the two other women. “Carrie, hair. Emori, make-up. Now” she said walking quickly out of the tent once again. Behind her she could hear the two women whistle in awe and she felt proud.

 

“Hello Roth”

“Lexa, just in time ! How are you ?”

“Hit my head badly and still tired from the party but I’m good”

“Cool. On set then. If we’re finished with this war scene before noon, drinks are on me”

Yes. That’s how everything was supposed to happen. But of course, because plans don’t last very long in battle, it ended up taking the WHOLE DAY to shoot this scene. It wasn’t Lexa’s fault. No. She had been trying really hard to stay concentrated and be a good, well raised and respectful commander. But because her now former friends had decided to torture her it had been a challenge to even stay on set. Quint, Emori and Carrie, _those bitches_ , had asked her colleagues to whistle and hum perverted songs all day. So many songs that Lexa was sure that by the end of the day they would’ve used up all songs that could enter this category. Of course Roth had been mad the whole time. Not just pissed off, no. REALLY mad. Not at Lexa because the poor girl was obviously the victim. He was mad at the entire team. And Clarke. It was the second time in less than a week that Lexa had been badly affected by the blonde’s recklessness. When finally the teeth marks on Lexa’s ear had started to disappear… _Love is weakness_ had been all he could think about at some point during the day. That thought slightly lessen his wrath though, it made him think : _hey, it could be a good line…_ (a good line indeed : terribly depressing and heart-breaking but yes, a good line *deep sigh*)

When finally Lexa collapsed on her car’s seat she exhaled what was probably the longest breath of her life so far and closed her eyes. Then images flashed into her brain and she quickly extended her arm to put on the radio. You know these days when you feel like all the bad luck in the world had been spilled on you ? It is how Lexa felt when the song playing on the radio was ‘What’s new pussycat’

“What the actual FUCK !? Guys it’s 21th Century for GOD SAKE ! This song is OUTDATED !”

And she changed channel. Only for her ears to catch ‘Give me a red hand print right across my ass’ and her brain to remember the rest of the lyrics and this wonderful line ‘Baby love me apocalyptic’. At that point she felt her eyes watering. How was that even possible ? (Obviously Carrie & co. had forgotten some songs and at that Lexa was kind of impressed though.) She quickly changed channel again. Classic music channel. This one was safe. For sure.

She managed to drive to the supermarket. She needed food for Ymir and really felt like cooking carbonara. Once again her plans and hopes for a normal evening quickly dissolved when the music playing in the market was ‘Blurred lines’ she grabbed her mp3, put her headphones in her ears and pressed play. Any other song would have been good. But because this day was getting worse with each second passing, of course the song piercing her eardrums was ‘It’s ok to be gay’, a song her geek of a sister had found a week ago and somehow managed to put in her mp3 without her noticing. Any other day of her life, it would’ve been a good joke. But today was definitely not the day. She skipped the song and finished shopping listening to ‘Ave Maria’.

When she got home, it was 8pm and she was exhausted. She didn’t even bothered to take her shoes and coat off before crossing her living room like a ghost and collapsing on her bed, face on the covers. She thought for a moment. She considered ‘releasing the pressure manually’ like Carrie would say but she gave up quickly when lifting her right hand only two inches above the covers pumped what was left of her vital energy out of her. So she just stayed like that on her belly, feeling too hot of course because coat + radiator + a whole day of dirty thoughts would make anybody’s body temperature raise. She finally felt herself slowly drown into the depths of a (hopefully) dreamless sleep.


	28. Chapter nineteen : Confusion, Clarke's side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to my friends Callysto and Jaynator 565 for being my friends and beta.

“Anya !” The woman jumped behind her counter for the second time in half an hour but before she could react, Clarke was in front of her at her counter, hands grabbing her shoulders “Have you seen Lexa ?!”

The woman blinked a few times and frowned “Uhm yes, she just left. She seemed in a hur-“ but Clarke cut her.

“Thank you Anya, I owe you. Now I have to g-“

When the girl had released her shoulders and started to turn around Anya grabbed her wrist stopping the girl mid-sentence “Ok that’s it. I won’t tolerate any more storming inside my coffee shop without reason” The woman straddled the counter and led the blonde to a chair in a corner of the room “Speak true. Now.”

The blonde sat, swallowing hard. Anya was usually a kind and calm woman but when she wanted to she could be SO intimidating… “I think… Maybe, just maybe, Lexa and I… might have done things yesterday…”

Anya calmed down. The girl in front of her seemed totally lost, rubbing her hands together frenetically, chewing on her bottom lip, her face red as a tomato. The woman soften but not because she pitied the poor trembling thing in front of her, no. She smirked, that ‘Wilde family’ typical smirk and asked “What do you mean things ?”

Clarke blushed even more (if that was possible) “Well, you know… Adult kind of things…”

Oh Anya was enjoying this conversation SO MUCH “What ? You drank again when she took you home ? Man you know how to hold your alcohol girl !”

The blonde clicked her tongue “No. I mean, adult, _adult_ things, you know ?” Anya raised an eyebrow and Clarke snarled (literally) and yelled “I think we had sex ! Happy now !?” If someone could die of embarrassment, Clarke would be dead, buried and entirely decomposed by now. The whole coffee shop burst out laughing echoing Anya. The blonde crossed her arms and averted her eyes “I hate you Anya”

After a minute, Anya, crying and holding her sides, managed to tease her again “Oh ! My little baby is pouting !” Clarke jumped at the words ‘ _my baby’_. It had been so long since the last time the woman had called her like that… “Ok you went too far to go back now. Spit out everything !” But obviously the woman wouldn’t treat her as a child anymore…

The blonde sighed and started relating the most confusing story of her life.

 

“Ok so if I understand correctly, you woke up naked in my little sis’ bed in front of her sitting on the ground, as naked as you ?”

“Yes. And she ran away. She left that on the counter”

Anya read the paper Clarke just gave her, a smile on her face. Her little sister was a sappy cutie. Then she raised a questioning eyebrow “Little pony ?”

Red quickly returned to the blonde’s cheeks “Well… My friends used to call me that in high school” for a moment Clarke hoped for Anya to buy it and leave her alone but it was underestimating the woman. With only a glare she forced the blonde to ‘speak true’ “I have a clover shaped birthmark on my left butt cheek“ She said the whole thing in one breath closing her eyes in embarrassment.

Too cute. This couple, these girls were too cute for Anya. She loved them both as her little sisters and maybe own daughters and knew them by heart. But THIS was too much cuteness for her heart not to flutter and a wide smile not to cover her face.

“Don’t mock me ! I was born this way !”

“Calm down princess, I’m not mocking you. I’m just totally under your charms. Maybe it’s a family thing ? Anyway both of you are way too cute and hopeless for my heart and mind to handle”

“But… What do you think happened ?”

“I think my sister loves you too much to take advantage of you when you’re drunk”

“Yeah I know that and never doubted her devotion but… I have less confidence in myself… What if *I* was the one to aggress her ?!”

“Then something might indeed have happened and honestly it would be a shame” the blonde hid her face in her hands and Anya couldn’t help but precise her thought “I mean, I heard she’s a goddess in bed so forgetting such night would REALLY be a shame”

Clarke’s hands fell on her lap and she released an exasperated sigh “You don’t say !? WHY in hell do you think I’m so mortified right now !?” Anya raised her hands in surrender, a large toothy grin plastered on her face “Seriously, I dreamt of that so many time and when it finally happen I can’t recall anything ? Holy fucking shit !”

Ok, maybe Anya’s baby was not as shy, reserved and innocent as she thought.

 

Clarke had entered the café panicked and left it angry. Not exactly the perfect state of mind to open someone’s chest so she decided she needed to calm down before her next operation. She had 4 hours to chill out. At least that’s what she hoped. No, being alone in her apartment without anything to do was oppressing and was playing on her nerves. Even Christa’s purrs, or the cold shower, or the chocolate ice cream helped her. After an hour of pacing between her kitchen, her couch and her bedroom Clarke decided that it was enough.

 

“Hey, Clarke ! Rare to see you here in the morning”

“Echo, hey”

The tensed jaw of the blonde alarmed the barista “Can I… offer you something to drink ?”

“Water please. I have an operation at one pm”

Echo watched her friend’s dark eyes and was afraid to ask but… You know how girls are ? “Here your water. And um… You seem tense… Is everything alright ?”

“No. Nothing is alright. I’m really irritated and I don’t understand why ! I mean, I just might have slept with Lexa and don’t remember doing it but that’s not such a big deal right !?”

Echo was starting to understand. The girl had known Clarke for two years now which may not be such a long time but it was enough for her to be sure of a few things : the blonde girl was jealous, possessive and capricious. Not the kind that wants something and pouts until they get it but the kind that was getting frustrated really easily. Plus, when the blonde didn’t understand something, she tended to get angry for a moment. Her longest crisis had lasted three days and it was because her brain had a hard time processing a new information : her almost bipolar cousin had been dating/banging her best friend Raven for five years without her noticing.

“Maybe you just need to talk about it with her…?”

“Oh GOD ! I’d like that, but that dummy forgot her phone at home and I can’t reach Roth”

“Roth ?”

“Yep, her director, creator and writer of the show”

The bar tender’s eyes opened wide “Wait, you mean you’re friend with a celebrity !?”

“I guess. Anyway, phone doesn’t work and if I go there, on set, just to talk to her they’ll kill me”

“You just have to wait until she goes home right ?”

Clarke sighed “Yes. And it’s killing me” She crossed her arms on the bar and buried her face in them. She stayed like that, silent for a minute before standing out “Thanks for the water, I’m going now bye” and she disappeared out of the bar leaving a really confused Echo behind.

 

Clarke chose to go eat to McDonalds. She’d always do that when she was pissed off. Probably because her mother used to take her to McDonalds every time her daughter was angry or sad because they’d give her a balloon and she could take a photo with Ronald (Clarke LOVED clowns which was strange when you consider that a huge part of normal children are scared of them. Then she headed to the hospital. She had still a heart to fix after all !

“Clarke ? We weren’t expecting you for at least an hour”

“Hey, Kane. Yeah, I had nothing else to do”

“Your mother told me” he thought “no, told THE WHOLE hospital about the audition and I’m really happy for you”

She offered him a genuine smile “Thank you. And that explains why everyone had been greeting me with ‘congratulations for your win’ kinda lines”

“What can I say ? Your mother can’t stop talking, but let’s be honest and say bragging, when it’s about you and your successes”

The girl huffed and smiled “Where is she right now ?”

“I think she’s in her office. You should go say hi”

“Yeah, I’m going”

Kane was a good man. Clarke liked him. And she was pretty sure her mother liked him too. Ok she just couldn’t wait for Abby to finally marry him.

 

 

Clarke exited the hospital around 6pm, after a five hour operation. Somehow she felt better than usual. She was exhausted and dirty and stained of course but it had been worse. Maybe it was because she would stop going to the hospital in a week but she felt light compared to before. She still needed to wash though. She allowed herself a long bath. Her anger and excitement from the morning had faded out completely now and she was already thinking about what she’d wear when she’d go to Lexa’s apartment. She’d arrive around seven and half and cook the dinner she had promised the brunette a day before. Yes, it sounded like a great evening, THE talk put aside of course.

 

As planned, the girl was in Lexa’s living room at seven and half and was surprised the girl wasn’t home yet. Clarke decided she’d wait for her and hoped the other girl hadn’t gone to eat outside. Half an hour later, the front door opened and Clarke ran from the kitchen a smile on her face. Smile that disappeared immediately when she noticed Lexa’s zombie walk. She called “Lexa ?” but the girl didn’t react. The brunette just went to her room slowly, not even undressing or washing her face covered in make-up. When the ghost had finally disappeared in her room, Clarke focused her attention on the bags the other girl had left in the entry. There was a small bag with food in it and a second bag, this one bigger. She opened it and her jaw dropped. Three same pair of pants obviously dirty (covered in dead leaves and mud) and one, two… NINE (!?) white underwear ! She quickly closed the bad and decided she didn’t want to know what all of it was about.

She silently made her way to Lexa’s room and found the girl lied down on her bed, face on the covers and feet in the air. Clarke laughed lightly and approached the seemingly-dead thing.

“Lexa ?”

The brunette’s only answer was a deep breath. She was fast asleep. The blonde noticed the red on Lexa’s face and started undressing the girl carefully to not wake her up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I did it. I've passed the 50 000 words... Damn that's the longest thing I've ever written in my entire life and not even in french ! And I'm planning so many other chapters, that's crazy ! And I'm really happy you guys are enjoying my story, every comment and kudos are literally making my days ! For your support : THANK YOU ! I love you all :3 promise.


	29. Chapter twenty :

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dunno how to call this chapter. I thought bout "sorry I'm not sorry for all the references I did in this chapter" but somehow it didn't felt right. If you have ideas of titles please share because right now... I have ABSOLUTELY NO inspiration... Sorry ?

It’s a delicious smell that pulled Lexa out of Morpheus’s arms. The brunette sat on her bed, rubbing her fists on her eyes, yawning. She wondered what this smell could be and stood. She noticed she apparently had managed to undress enough to be comfortable for sleep the day before because she was in panties and a T-Shirt instead of her warm clothes. She smirked, proud of herself. She grabbed some sweatpants and walked sleepily to her kitchen. When she saw the blonde, the whole most-horrible-day-of-her-life came back in her mind (as well as the tension she had, for a moment, managed to forget).

“Oh, hey, Lexa !” Clarke smiled at her “I was going to come and wake you up in a minute”

Despite her previous state of mind Lexa smiled and relaxed. It was the second time she’d seen the blonde in her kitchen with an apron and she definitely liked that “The smell woke me up first” But as happy as she was, the brunette’s eyebrows furrowed “What are you doing here ?”

“You mean, why am I here, in your apartment, on a Thursday evening at-” she looked at the clock “Half past ten, making you dinner ?”

Lexa shook her head, blinking, trying to chase the sleep from her now confused mind “Wait, it’s still Thursday ?”

“Yes. You slept two hours”

Lexa frowned. Something just felt weird “Since when did you get here exactly ?”

“Since seven thirty.”

“But I didn’t see you when I got back ? How ?”

“Well… Obviously you don’t remember the state you were in. It’s a miracle you managed to return home in one piece after driving in such a state !”

“What do you mean ‘such a state’ ? Please stop talking riddles I can feel my exhaustion coming back with every neuronal connection in my brain”

Clarke sighed. She wanted to play a little more but the sleepy voice won and she finally turned from the cooker to Lexa “I was in your living room and saw you cross it like a zombie. I called you but you didn’t hear me apparently and continued your walk of death. You collapsed face first onto your bed. I took off your coat, shoes, socks, pants and bra and slid you under your covers. And once again, you’re WAY heavier than you look !”

“Not my fault I have heavy bon-“ she stopped, Clarke’s words finally sinking in “Wait ! So you were there and I didn’t even see you !? Man… I’m sorry”

The blonde shrugged, turning her back on Lexa again “Nah, don’t worry. You were obviously tired”

“But still, I’m sorry and thanks. Thanks for undressing me” both blushed at that, the ‘event’ of the morning still fresh in memory “and…” Lexa sniffed the air, smiling wider with each breath “cooking me carbonara. How did you know I was planning on making some ?”

“The shopping bag. With you, pastas and diced bacon can only mean carbonara right ?”

“Right” the brunette sat at the already prepared table, pleased, almost forgetting she had something to talk about with her new self-proclaimed part-time cook. “But you really should fear the walking dead you know.” she added with a smirk.

Of course Clarke couldn’t see it but Lexa’s teasing tone was enough for her to answer with a smirk of her own. “Yeah, well… Not the first time I’ve seen this part of you my little professional zombie !”

“What if I really DO change into a real zombie one day ?”

“Then I’ll let you bite me so that you won’t be alone” Lexa smiled but such kind words were strange coming from the blonde so she was already preparing her counterattack “Everybody knows you just CANNOT leave without someone to babysit you. You could die on your own” Clarke said.

“But if I’m a zombie, I would ALREADY be dead”

“Oh believe me you’d totally find a way ! Because, yes, you’re THAT bad at living alone. You’d eat unhealthy things like you do when I’m not here to cook for you !”

Lexa snorted. Clarke was giving a good fight here “You think my ways are unhealthy but that’s how I survive”

“Yeah well, life should be about more than just surviving _commander_ !” The brunette’s eyes widened at the word, she could totally get used to that. Finished with her cooking, Clarke filled their plates and sat in front of the other girl. “Don’t you deserve better than that ? Here, have a taste and tell me !”

Lexa took her first bite. She closed her eyes and moaned in pleasure “Ok. Dunno if I deserve this but you’re goddamn right ! Maybe I DO need to eat healthy things more often”

Clarke smiled and tasted her meal too. It wouldn’t be correct to congratulate her own work so she humbly repressed the urge to echo Lexa’s moan. “By the way Lexa… I um… Opened the second bag and… I assumed this linen was meant to go to the washing machine so I put it in bu-”

If Lexa’s face had been flushed before, It was now perfectly, uniformly, brightly red. She momentarily tried to hide it by adjusting her hair, making it cover her cheeks. Today was definitely the WORST day of her life… She was even surprised that she hadn’t been killed yet. She didn’t want the girl to end her reasoning or push further in the conversation so she cut her “Oh ! Thank you ! You were right ! Totally right ! You did well ! Thank you !”

She had tried to appear calm but failed miserably. The effort made Clarke grin wildly. Lexa had lost this one. As a retaliation proof she stuffed a mouthful of pastas in her mouth. Clarke laughed lightly. She didn’t understand the why of the how but she’d ask about it later, when Lexa would’ve recovered. After a few bites and awkward minutes of silence, Lexa changed the subject.

“So, how was your day ?”

Clarke shrugged “Normal. It started weirdly” The look in the blonde’s eyes was screaming ‘you still owe me explanations you know ?’ but she continued “Then I had to perform a five hours heart surgery” she paused, playing with a piece of sliced bacon with her folk, a tired expression on her face. Lexa opened her mouth to talk but the blonde added “I talked to my mom”

Silence fell again. Abby Griffin and the hospital were the two weak points of the blonde and she didn’t know if it was a good idea to push her. She did it anyway because Clarke had obviously something else to say. “And ?”

“And as usual she was proud of me then tried to stop me from going to L.A. and finally criticized my career choices. Normal Griffin mother-daughter conversation”

“She loves you. She’s afraid it won’t work”

“Yeah well all I want is her support, I want her to trust me” Clarke had started to raise her voice. ‘There it is’ Lexa thought. In high school those ‘discussions’ would happen at least once a week and the blonde always ended up complaining, sometimes angry, sometimes sad but always hurt. The blonde released a deep sigh then looked directly into Lexa’s eyes “Tell me, frankly, do you think I can make it ? I mean, young artists like me are everywhere ! They usually release ONE album and then they’re dead”

Then something happened and the blonde’s heart stopped. Lexa’s smile was so wide and genuine Clarke had to put her fork back on the table and rest her hands on her lap before her arms and shoulders could drop on their own volition.

“It is true that this show-biz world is harsh. You’re nothing more than a merchandise on a market, like a fruit on a slack. But people, customers needs fruits. Sometimes rotten fruits are selling because the trader is good but sometimes fruits without traders are picked. For that they have to look, smell and taste better than the other fruits on their stacks” the slight frown on the blonde’s face made Lexa chuckled lightly and Clarke’s heart fluttered again “What I’m saying is that you have to be better than the others”

Clarke rolled her eyes “Duh like I didn’t know that…”

“I wasn’t finished. I’ve seen a lot of small bands looking for success in L.A. All of them had good musicians or singers but right now they’re still nothing. They’re surviving doing small representations in bars and clubs. If they’re lucky they’ll open other artists’ shows but nothing more. But what about you then ? I cannot predict future and I am obviously not neutral in my judgment. You have a beautiful voice without it being extraordinary, your texts are good but not revolutionary and you’ll need time to link with the new members of your band”

Clarke swallowed, slightly hurt “Wow. THAT’S harsh but thanks for being hon-“

“I wasn’t finished” cut Lexa, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh…”

“Why do you think you won this audition last week ? You’ve been playing in a small local bar for two years dreaming about the biggest stages but you’re still fully feeling what you’re singing. Artists tends to forget to feel, they become obsessed with success. They’re getting stuck in the ‘I HAVE TO’ state of mind instead of ‘I WANT TO’. They’re forgetting to love what they do and that’s why they’re ‘dying’. At first they had something but they lost it at some point. The other night, I know you um… Kinda sang for me” both blushed and averted eyes at that “you wanted to say something when you were singing. THAT’S why they picked you. Because you put feelings in your music, you communicated something and that’s what made the difference. I won’t lie, I talked to Lincoln and he’s the one who made me realise that”

“Whoa ok. Think I’ll have to thank him then”

“Yeah. He’s a really good manager. You found yourself the best trader Clarke” said Lexa with a smile showing all the respect she had for the man “And he’s not a good trader because he knows how to sell rotten fruits but because he knows how to choose the fruits he’ll be selling”

“You also helped a little” said Clarke wiggling an eyebrow and pushing Lexa’s foot with her own playfully.

“Well I did. But he’s not blind. He wouldn’t choose an artist just because I told him about them. No he really thinks you have something more. And I know what it is.”

Clarke smiled mischievously, her good mood was back. It’s crazy how talking to Lexa can lighten her mood. It was the same ten years ago. The brunette had always been a good listener and someone who was paying attention to the little details, someone that truly saw people. Plus, she was always honest and when she said something she meant it. Lexa was the kind of people that could give good advice and Clarke knew it, even after ten years. “If you’re talking about my ass and boobs, well I’m sorry to say that but I’m not the only one with such perfect attributes”

“Yeah I know” Lexa deliberately paused and smirked which made the smile on Clarke’s face fall and be replaced by an angry frowned “Your boobs and ass are fine for sure” ‘ _Fine !? What do you mean JUST fine !?_ ’ internally screamed the blonde. “But I was thinking about your determination. You’re the most motivated and determined woman I’ve ever met” Lexa stood and grabbed her empty plate and Clarke’s “Sometimes you doubt and when it happens I know that all you need is a little-“ Lexa passed by Clarke and gently hit The blonde’s side with her hip, adding “- push !”

Clarke blushed furiously and was suddenly grateful that Lexa had decided to wash the dishes and turn her back on her. This woman had been a cute smart, and silent little girl but now, now she was dangerous. Having a talented actress as a girlf- as a FRIEND was not easy. She could easily turn every situation in her favour and Clarke knew more than enough now that she would lose every time when playing against Lexa.  But instead of being mad, Clarke was grateful. She knew Lexa would never cross the line, would never do anything that could make her uncomfortable. Clarke was, in the end, the one controlling the game and Lexa the poor player always winning but never authorized to claim her reward. The blonde was realising how harsh it was on Lexa, the same Lexa that was proving her self-control every time they were in the same room. Talking about self-control…

“Lexa, Um… Can I ask you what happened this morning ?”

The brunette almost dropped the dish she was washing before putting it carefully in the drainer. Clarke laughed and pointed Lexa’s chair, silently asking her to sit.

Lexa did as asked and searched for her words. She was sorting out in her head what she would tell or not. Really drunk state ? Nudity ? She’d tell. Ass groping ? Definitely not. “Well you were really drunk last night so I carried you to my bed and dropped you on it. You fell asleep almost immediately so I just undressed you like you apparently did for me tonight and slid you under the covers. Then I put on a pyjamas and joined you. The next thing I remember is you on your belly, using me as a mattress, entirely naked” Lexa tried to hide behind her hair again, crossing her legs nervously at the memory.

“Wait… You mean I undressed myself ?” asked the blonde with a frowned, red starting to taint her cheeks.

“All I know is that it wasn’t me. Maybe you woke up during the night and undressed still intoxicated, I don’t know”

“Then what were you doing, completely naked on your bedroom’s floor ?”

“That’s a different story…” The ache on the back of Lexa’s head woke up and she winced a little “When I woke up and noticed that you were… naked, I pushed you aside and covered you without looking. Then I went to the bathroom and took a shower. But I had forgotten my clothes so I returned to my room wrapped in a towel and when I looked at you and you had pushed the covers so that your whole torso was exposed…” blood had rushed to Clarke’s cheeks at that and Lexa swallowed trying to repress the flashback mincing to play on the screen of her mind for the thousandth time “I um… I dumbly decided it would be a good idea to try to reach my closet focusing my gaze on the ceiling. Of course it was a horrible idea. I slipped on something and hit my head on my closet, losing my towel somewhere in the process”

“Wait so the ‘BANG’ that woke me up was your head on your closet !?”

“Yes. And it hurts”

Clarke stood and in an instant she was behind Lexa “Show me, where is your bump ?” Lexa showed her with her hand and winced again when the blonde touched the painful area ”Damn Lexa THAT’S a bump… I’ll unbraid your hair and apply some cream on it ok ?”

“I don’t have any cream”

“Oh that’s ok. I have a tube in my bag”

Lexa’s eyes widened “Wow I think that’s actually the first time I’ve seen you act so girly”

Clarke rolled her eyes “It’s not a ‘girly’ thing Lexa, I’m a doctor”

“What makes you sleep at night”

“Oh shut up” said the blonde pulling at one of Lexa’s bread a little violently.

“Ouch !”

“You had it coming. Now don’t move and let me work”

 

After half an hour of tortu- unbraiding, Clarke applied some cream on Lexa’s head.

“Stop squealing like a baby Lexa that’s JUST a bump ! You didn’t even bled !”

“Yeah but still… You have no idea how much Carrie pulled on my hair to braid it… My scalp is kinda traumatized now”

Clarke rolled her eyes. Lexa in ten years had only managed to evolve from cry-baby to just baby. “Here ! It’s done. You’d feel better in a few hours”

“Thank you” It was sincere and made the blonde blush a little. Smiling Lexa was too much for her heart. Not that Lexa never smiled, just… It seemed to be worse today that’s all.

“You’re welcome. Now go wash your face, I have a surprise for you”

“Wash my face ?”

“I tried to remove as much make-up as I could but it didn’t go so well and you have black smudges everywhere…”

“Shit !” Lexa stood and disappeared in her bathroom.

“Well… Take your time ?”

 

When Lexa returned to the kitchen, she found Clarke petting Ymir (that was as usual sleeping on the counter) and two new plates on the table.

“Tadaah ! One ball of chocolate, one ball of vanilla and one ball of lemon”

Lexa laughed lightly and Clarke wondered if her heart was really supposed to flutter like that every single time. I mean, she had seen her smile hundreds of times before, it wasn’t new so why ? “Ice cream. I should’ve known”  

“Yeah well we both like it”

“Why lemon ?”

“Because Raven and Octavia told me it was a good mix so I wanted to try. Now eat before it melts”

Lexa sat and started eating but in silence. She seemed tired and Clarke suddenly remembered “By the way, why were you so tired ? You seemed like you had ran for miles and was about to pass out, what you kinda did in the end…”

Lexa almost blushed. Yes. Almost. Because after washing her face, she felt clean and relaxed and was so close to sleep that she found it really hard to feel embarrassed about the story. “Well after what happened this morning I left the house in a hurry and when my former friends Carrie and Emori saw me arrive 2 hours early, they questioned me”

“Former ?”

“Yes because when I told them what happened this morning they told the whole crew and they all spent their day humming and whistling perverted songs just to disturb me. It worked so well we spent the day on a 10 minutes scene. That’s kinda why Roth and Mary wants you dead”

Clarke could totally see why Roth was mad at her. She had managed to break Lexa two times in less than a week. But the other one… “Who’s Mary ?”

“Our costumer” Lexa was tired. Really tired. But she couldn’t help but blush at this one, anticipating the blonde’s reaction.

“Wait why would your costumer want to-“ Then it hit her, the bag of ‘dirty’ clothes with only pants and panties in it and the embarrassed look on Lexa’s face. Clarke’s eyes opened at the realisation “Oh ! Oh… Ok. Um… Sorry ?”

Lexa wanted to tell her how much the universe had been against her and everything but she didn’t have the force. Instead she just said “No need to apologize. You cooked for me. We’re even”

Ice cream finished, Lexa observed Clarke wash the dishes and she sighed “You’re sleeping here tonight. It’s almost midnight, I don’t want you to have an accident. Go in my room and choose a pyjama. When you’re finished, call me”

Clarke just nodded.

When Lexa joined the blonde in the room, she was just wearing a white nightdress with a deer on it that Lexa didn’t recognized. She frowned “What’s this ?”

The blonde blushed “That’s mine…”

“Wait you were planning on sleeping here the whole time ?”

“Yes. I figured I wouldn’t go home early so, you know, ‘just in case”

Lexa smiled shaking her head. She lied down on her side in her bed, lifting the covers for Clarke to join her. The blonde smiled and complied, leaning her back on Lexa’s torso. The brunette’s arms wrapped around Clarke pulling her closer and burying her face in the blonde’s nape.

Then she said “I could get used to this”

After a minute, Clarke answered with a simple “Yeah”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still with me guys ? Still loving this story ? Not too bored ?


	30. Chapter twenty one: A happy morning, Lexa's side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys for the late update but things happened (shitty and good things) and I was busy. The next two chapters are little fillers to keep you waiting until the next "real" chapter. 
> 
> As usual thanks for reading and I hope you still like what I'm writing

“Lex. Lexa it’s morning” whispered Clarke sitting on the bed, gently rubbing the back of the girl sleeping next to her. But Clarke knew. She knew that when Lexa was sleeping on her belly, nothing could stop her. Well nothing but herself and Anya. And Maybe Indra’s terrifying vibes.

Lexa’s sleep was a really weird phenomenon. Like cats, she was sensible to temperature variations. Under 18 degrees in the room her sleep was light (unlike other normal human being) and she slept curled up on herself. Around 20, it was like normal people and she slept on her side or back. But when it raised to twenty 22/25 she slept on her belly and… was really hard to wake up and even if you managed to, you’d have to deal with her awfully bad mood. Which is why the brunette tended to keep the temperature in her room low so that her alarm could wake her. Except that Clarke had slept in the same bed and her body temperature being incredibly high… Lexa had just felt too comfortable. Back in high school the blonde had actually been THE main reason Anya didn’t want the two girls to sleep together when they had to wake up early in the morning. But of course because Clarke had always been having problems with her parents, had known where Lexa lived and that the brunette’s room was on the ground floor, it hadn’t been rare for Anya to find the two girls sleeping in impossible positions (she still had some photos) in Lexa’s bed. So after a while she had decided it wasn’t her responsibility to wake her sister and so Clarke had had to deal with it on her own. In a few month she had become a real professional (which still impressed Anya a lot).

Clarke leaned down and whispered, lips lightly brushing the brunette’s ear “Lexa if you’re not up in the minute, you’ll regret it” then she lightly nipped and sucked on Lexa’s ear but the brunette’s only reaction was a groan and a frown. Clarke smiled, apparently satisfied by the result of her ministrations. “Lexa I’m gonna count to five and if you’re not up when I reach five then something really bad will happen…” she said loudly this time. But of course, no reaction. The blonde smirked.

“One” she stood “Two” reached the door “Three” exited the room “Four” reappeared “And five” sat on the bed next to Lexa again. “I warned you…” Clarke grinned widely, uncovered Lexa, pulled up her shirt and…

Lexa instantly raised from the bed, squealing, looking around her like a scared rabbit, eyes wide and hurried breath.

“Clarke !? What the…!”

*THUD*

The brunette looked at what had just fell on the floor. Then she released a breath, still in shock, and looked back at Clarke with a ‘What the fuck was that !?’ kind of face “Really Clarke !? A fucking frozen peas bag !?”. But Clarke was smiling and giggling and it took Lexa everything she had in her to take an angry look and add “Clarke, I’m serious it was mea-“

The brunette’s next words got stuck in her throat when she felt the blonde’s lips (too) lightly pressed on her own in a really (too) quick peck “Come on teddy bear, Indra called. You’re supposed to meet her in an hour and you’re still almost naked. Pancakes are waiting for you on the table and clothes on the back of the couch. Now I have to go. Calling you tonight, bye !” Then the blonde literally vanished. When Lexa came back to her senses five long minutes later one arm extended in front of her, head turned to the door, she got out of bed and ran in her whole apartment yelling “Clarke, wait !” but the blonde was nowhere to be found.

Lexa released a heart-breaking sigh. Maybe she had dreamt everything. She let her feet lead her to the kitchen and smiled. Pancakes were on the table. It wasn’t a dream.

“Yep, I could definitely get used to it.”

 

When Indra saw Lexa enter the coffee shop while taking off her coat, she almost choked on her drink.

“What’s that…?” asked the woman, eying the actress from head to toe.

“Damn ‘lil ‘sis ! Is that your new style ?”

Lexa chuckled and posed for Anya to have a proper look “I don’t know. Does that suit me ?”

From behind her counter, the woman was admiring the beauty that was her little sister. Black heeled shoes, black leather pants, tight white T-shirt (with Rock Rocks printed in celtic letters) and over it, a red flannel.

“You could be a model you know that ?”

“And I thought that flattery was a word banished from the Wilde’s mouths !” Lexa laughed “Anyway, it’s not my clothes, they’re Clarke’s. She left them this morning for me to wear today”

Anya raised an eyebrow and Indra sighed “So you… spent the night together, again ?”

“Yeah well when I went home yesterday she was already there and it was too late for me to send her home after we ate so she stayed”

“And what exactly do we owe the pleasure to see you smile so widely young girl ?”

Lexa’s cheeks flushed lightly at that. She walked closer to her sister and whispered “She kissed me”

Anya couldn’t help but yell “WHAT !?”

the youngest sister panicked then, afraid her sister misinterprets things “No I mean, it was just a peck ! And it was really light and quick ! Nothing big really ! But…”

Anya released a sigh. Those two were definitely hopeless “Do not give your old big sister such emotions ! I almost had a heart attack you know !?”

Lexa crossed her arms “Don’t you think YOU are the one that over-reacted a bit”

“Over reacted ? Huh ! Sorry for getting worked up because I thought that my babies had finally grown up !”

“First we’re not your babies and second I’m 26 and she’s 25 of course we’re grown-ups”

Anya sighed. Hopeless. “Well first : ouch, that’s not something mommies like to hear and second-“ she paused leaned closer to her sister and over articulated, her grin crowing with each letter “L.O.L.”

Lexa frowned “Ok. First I’m not your daughter and second-“

A very loud throat clearing sound cut the brunette “Lexa I don’t have all day. We have to discuss things and as happy as I am to see you being all enthusiastic and all, I would like to be done with this conversation as soon as possible”

Anya smirked and Lexa rolled her eyes. Then she turned back and went to sit in front of the other woman. “Sorry Indra. Why are we here, I’m listening”


	31. Chapter twenty one : A happy morning, Clarke's side

As soon as she was out of Lexa’s building, Clarke paused, her smile uncontrollably growing and she jumped in the air, squealing. It was so out of the blue that she saw a boy pointing her from the corner of her eyes and his mother scolding him, saying “Don’t look at her !” like she was a weirdo. Ok maybe right now, she really was. But she decided she couldn’t care less.

“Yes ! I totally nailed it this time !”

She jumped one last time and rode her motorcycle. When she almost knocked down a poor momma duck with her babies (what were they doing on the road anyway !?) she realised she might have been driving a little TOO enthusiastically and reduced her speed.

 

“Wow what’s that princess, you’re literally glowing !”

“You think ?” answered the blonde turning around so that her roommate can have a better look, like if she was wearing new clothes.

“Cut the crap out Raven we both know where she spent the night” sleepily groaned Octavia appearing from behind the back of the couch.

“O ! You were here ?”

“Yep. Came to see you. But you weren’t here. Glad you finally got laid but seriously I feel forgotten…”

Clarke’s eyes widened and her cheeks flushed a little (yes just a little because it was Octavia and she would’ve been more surprised for the girl to not saying anything than insinuating sexual stuff). “Ok first nobody got laid last night and second I didn’t know you were coming”

“Well ok nobody got laid but someone here ALMOST did…” Raven wiggled an eyebrow at the poor grumpy Octavia.

The blonde frowned then opened her eyes wide in surprise and smirked “Seriously O ! He’s our new manager ! You can’t just jump in his bed like that !”

“But I think I love him…” answered the brunette making a face (yep she was definitely grumpy this morning).

“You met him Monday. It’s barely Friday morning. Slow down crazy, slow down”

Raven burst out laughing and Octavia’s jaw dropped and she said “Wait ! YOU’re the one saying THAT !? You reunited with Lexa five days ago and you have slept with her almost every night since then !”

“Hey, I’ve known her for twelve years”

“NO. You’ve known her two years and you’re only hoping she’s still the same, madly in love with you, wrapped around your finger. Well sorry to disappoint you but it’s impossible. You’re living in a dream honey and Raven, STOP LAUGHING, your mental sickness is showing !” But of course raven laughed even more.

Now Clarke was fully offended “Ok fist yes she changed. Like any other normal human being would do in ten years” but Clarke was approaching Octavia and raising her voice dangerously and Raven decided to sober just in time to keep her two friends to disembowel each other “And second don’t you dare-!”

“OKAAAAAY !” Raven stepped between the two other girls “Princess, Octavia’s just being jealous and doesn’t mean a thing of what she’s saying but she’s right on one thing” Clarke calmed down but crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. Raven sighed. A storm was coming for sure… “Don’t you think you’re spending too much time with her ?”

“Raven…” said the blonde in an alarmingly low voice.

“Clarke she left you one time already and you broke. She can do it again. We’re just worried” Octavia had stood from the couch and was serious.

Clarke frowned, suspicious “’We’ ?”

“Yes. Raven, Jasper, Monty, Bellamy and I”

“Guys how many times will I have to tell you that I HATE IT when you’re talking behind my back !”

‘Here’s the storm…’ thought Raven as Clarke was starting to pace and gesticulate angrily. Octavia huffed “Like I said we were just worried. We don’t want you to be hurt again. Even less by her”

“Octavia be careful or I’ll really get mad…”

“Then go ahead ! Go mad and crazy if you want ! Doesn’t change the fact that we’re leaving for L.A. in less than a week and there’s no way you’ll manage to keep in touch for two months ! And _I_ will be the one dealing with your sadness when she dump you again !”

Clarke’s eyes were watering in anger. She hated that when someone was badmouthing one of her friends. But this time Octavia was right and it hurt her “And WHY do you think I’m spending so much time with her huh !? WHY in hell do you think I’m almost living with her !?” she yelled. Then she took a deep breath and resumed in a softer but determined voice “I want her to miss me. I want her to miss me so much she won’t be able to sleep well at night without me beside her. I want her to miss my pancakes and presence in her kitchen. I want her to miss my weight on her side every time she’s watching TV. I want her to think of me every time she’s passing by the deep-frozen beam. I want those two next months to be the longest of her life”

The two brunettes were just standing in shock. Clarke had yelled everything in one breath. It was the first time in years they had seen her so pissed off (partly because she was usually too tired for that) and an angry Clarke was an intimidating Clarke.

“Why am I even surprised…” finally said Octavia, face palming. “It’s just Clarke’s usual possessiveness talking, like always” Clarke was preparing to enter in burst mode again when Octavia just yawned sleepily “I’m kinda reassured now so if you will excuse me I think I’m just gonna go take a nap in your bed Rae” Octavia’s sleepy walk (and the death glare of Raven) kept Clarke from giving her usual ‘I’m not possessive’ scolding.

Once the grumpy thing had disappeared Clarke relaxed and after a moment Raven smirked “You’re into her really deep aren’t you ?”

Clarke sighed and walked to the couch where she collapsed, soon joined by the other girl “Raven I’m screwed.”

Raven’s smirk grew wider “Already knew that honey, I’ll need something new”

“I mean, I think I really am in love with her…”

“I said new…”

“Ok well before I was just charmed you know ? Back then in high school. We were kinda natural and all, really close and it was nothing more than that. Of course she was special but I wasn’t having butterflies every time she smiled. Oh and she almost gave me a few heart attacks too”

“…” Raven was just staring at her friend, slightly shaking her head in disappointment.

“What..?”

“How old are you Clarke ?”

“Twenty five. Why ?”

“Listen. I don’t know if your mother has already told you but… do you know how babies are made ?”

Clarke sighed “Raven. First Lexa’s a woman-“

“You sure about that ? No because she have absolutely no chest and some damn manly hot abs…”

“RAVEN !” Yelled the blonde hitting her friend with a pillow, trying to look angry despite her amused smile. “And seriously, I’ve been living with you for years. Between your loud nights with Finn and your toys scattered all around the apartment, you’ve just taken my innocence away a long time ago”

“You’re exaggerating”

“Rae. I have a latex gloves box in my room for every time I’m forced to pick up your stuff scattered on the ground.”

“It just happened a couple of times”

“You know it happened a lot more than that ! By the way, last week I put your geisha balls back into the box under your bed”

“Really ? Those I lost 6 month ago ?  My favourite with the little frogs on it ? You found them ? Where ?”

“Behind the tv…”

“Oh.”

“Yes ‘Oh’ ! How did they even- No on a second thought, please don’t answer to that”

“As you wish princess” Raven raised her hands in surrender (not a real one though because she had one of her most mischievous smile plastered on her face) “But seriously Clarke you’re not a teenager anymore. You were 15 when you met but both of you were 8 in your heads. You were soooo late- I mean, innocent for your age ! It was painful to look at seriously… I’m pretty sure you were playing house sometimes” Clarke was on the verge of hitting her again when Raven stopped her “Wait, let me finish !  Now you’re 25 and you grew from platonic love to what we, adults, call passion and it can do really weird things to your body. Like, you know, butterflies, beating heart…” Raven paused, grinning, preparing to receive a few angry/embarrassed pillow hits from the waiting flushing blonde (that could have bet all her money on her friend’s next words) “…arousal”

It didn’t missed. Clarke hit the brunette hard until her friends amused pleas elicited a muffled “SHUT THE FUCK UP !” came from Raven’s room. Both girls laughed and Clarke said “I really can’t have a serious conversation with you huh ?”

“Not my fault if you’re one of the last representative of your species”

“What do you mean ?”

“Well the more-than-25-years-old-virgin species of course !”

 

Followed a pillow fight, a scold from Octavia, another pillow fight and a lot of laughter.

 

 

Oh and Clarke arrived late at work for the first time in three years.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back bitcheeeeeees !  
> Ahem. Sorry. I just HAD to make this joke. Couldn't help it.  
> I am SO SO SO SO SO SORRY for this lOOOOONG hiatus guys please forgive me *falls on her knees and prays*  
> I needed break from this story so I started another fic that should have been a short one but ended up being more than 20 chapters long... And for some reason I started my first smut too. This one was supposed to be a oneshot but... Well people that didn't like it for very different reasons, people asked me to continue the story and... Well I have 4 chapters done already... But now In love with a dream is back on track but until I'm finished with Up through the ashes I'll raise I'll only write one chapter (or two because of my double point of view) by month. this other fic of mine is almost finished so I'll make it come first. Also, because I had totally forgot where I had left this story well... This chapter is rather short because I needed something to 'restart' so maybe you'll have an update within the next two weeks. I had to stop writing because I needed some time to think about where I wanted to go with this fic and now I know so I'm back on tracks !
> 
> Ok so my awful update rythm put aside, here is my new chapter ! I wanted it to be fluffy but it's kinda angsty... HOw did this happened ? Anyway, hope you're still there with me and that you'll forgive me

Clarke was exhausted. It had been her last day at the hospital and it had been the worst in years. And one of the longest too. When she was going out of the parking she wondered. Where should she go ? Her place or Lexa’s ? She had kissed her in the morning after all. Well just a peck to silent the girl (ok to freeze her) but still. Would things be awkward between them after that ?

_Naah it was just a peck._

But again it was Lexa. She could make big things out of little details. So she asked herself another question : Do I want to see her ?

 

Lexa’s day that had started in the best way possible was ending wonderfully. Her whole afternoon had been calm and nice and sunny and glowing and a lot of other cool words. Murphy was sick, which was already something that could lighten Lexa’s life. Unlike the day before, her co-workers let her be. Roth was impossibly happy because in two days he was flying back to L.A. to celebrate his daughter’s third birthday. Even Cassie and Mary had been all nice. She won a karate fight against Quint and her usual comfortable mare had recovered. Oh and apparently even her acting was better than the last few days.

Or maybe it was just because her good mood made her see everything on the bright side. Anyway when she finally jumped in her car she wondered what she’d do when she’d be home. She looked at her watch. Seven pm. Maybe she could call her favourite blonde.

This delighting idea in her head she drove back to her apartment.

 

When Lexa opened her door, something caught her eyes. Light. The lights were on. She was sure she had turned them off when she had left in the morning so why ?

“Is someone here ?”

No response.

She knew her cat was intelligent and all and that she also loved to prank her but… This was a little bit too much for just Ymir. Silently she grabbed the fake sword she used on set and walked to her room where she could see another light on. When she stepped in, all senses in alert and only found a cute blonde girl collapsed on her bed she almost screamed. Her heart had almost jumped out of her chest so she leaned on the door frame, holding her chest, waiting for her poor heart to recover.

Then she looked back at Clarke. She was fast asleep, in a starfish position, with Ymir curled up on her belly. She smiled and turned off the light. And she thought how much she wished to come back home after work and see that every time.

It took her at least five minutes to come out of her daydreaming and finally return to her kitchen, discarding her sword in her living room at the same time. She opened her cupboards. She had rice and pastas and a few cans. She had still a few vegetables of all sorts. She looked at the clock. Almost eight pm. A little late but the blonde was sleeping after all. She opted for a ratatouille and rice, her favourite winter recipe. It would help her empty her cupboards and fridge. In an hour she’d go wake up the blonde and they’d eat and go to bed and this would be the best day of her life. She smiled widely at the thought. Once again she was daydreaming but when she almost cut one of her fingers she decided she’d report those hopes for when she wouldn’t be armed.

When Clarke opened her eyes something felt off. Something was on her torso. Something warm and… She touched it. Fluffy ?

“Meaow”

Oh and mewing too. Clarke opened her eyes only to find Ymir’s beautiful face inches from hers.

“Meaaaaow”

She mewed again but louder this time. Then she stood and Clarke interpreted it as a ‘Wake up sleepy head’. So she did. She sat on the edge of the bed and she tried to remember how she ended up there. She had left the hospital, drove to Lexa’s apartment, searched for her but found nobody then decided to wait for her while rummaging through her stuff, just to see. But when she had entered the way too well arranged room her eyes fell on the bed. A bed. Her tired eyes and limbs had been screaming her that it was exactly what she needed. She had lied down planning on just closing her eyes for a few minutes. But surrounded by Lexa’s delicious smell the task had turned out to be harder than she had thought. She had fell asleep quickly.

Clarke rubbed her eyes and turned to the door. It was closed. So Lexa was home. She took her time to stand and walk to the door. When her hand met the door knob however, she stopped. She could hear cooking sounds coming from the kitchen and a voice. Lexa was singing. Clarke leaned her forehead on the door, suddenly remembering why she had come here instead of home. Home. What was home in the end ? At her apartment the only one waiting for her tonight was Christa. As usual Raven was at Finn’s place and her mom was still at the hospital. Octavia and Bellamy had dates. All of this wasn’t new. But for the first time in years she realised how lonely she had been. Yes today was really a shitty day after all.

 

Lexa was setting the table when she started to sing. She felt good. Something had changed. What ? She didn’t know but ‘ _who cares ?_ ’

“ _With every step we take, Kyoto to The bay, Strolling so casually-“_

“ _We’re different and the same, get you another name, switch up the battery_ ”

Lexa smiled at the familiar husky voice. She stopped what she was doing to look at the blonde but didn’t stop singing “ _If you gave me a chance I would take it, It’s a shot in the dark but I’ll make it !”_

Clarke smiled tiredly but sang the next words along slowly walking to Lexa.

“ _Know with all of your heart, you can’t shake me_ ”

Lexa straightened slightly when the blonde started to wrap her arms around her waist. She should have been delighted by such behaviour but… something was wrong.

“ _When I am with you, there’s no place I’d rather be_ ”

Clarke’s last muffled words died on Lexa’s chest and silence fell. Lexa frowned something was definitely wrong. Clarke’s embrace was tired but Iron and her face was buried in her neck. Lexa noticed the smell of antiseptic and her heart skipped a beat. She gently hugged the blonde back and asked “What’s it Clarke ?”

Clarke’s name in Lexa’s mouth was comforting. How many time had she had to dream these sounds to calm her heart in the past few years, she had no idea. All she knew was that this time it was real. This time Lexa was here with her. So she took a deep breath and in a weak voice, barely above a whisper she said “I killed a little girl.”

Lexa’s embrace strengthened and she kissed the blonde’s forehead, waiting for the girl to pursue.

“Her name was Sam. Barely older than Miya. Red head, freckles everywhere.” She paused and smiled as her eyes watered “She was smiling all the time. When we spoke before the operation I asked her if she was afraid and she said no. That she-” Clarke held back a sob. Then a second one. Then she swallowed the lump in her throat and released a weak “That she trusted me…” before breaking in Lexa’s arms.

For minutes that felt like hours Clarke was nothing more than cries and screams and pain. Eventually she recovered. Or, more precisely, was too tired to continue. So Lexa pulled back and what she saw swallowed the light of what could have been the best day of her life. Her heart broke. All Clarke’s features were showing were tears and snort and despair and exhaustion and Lexa didn’t know what to say. She cupped Clarke’s cheeks and kissed the corner of her left eye, tasting the disgustingly salty liquid. “What were the chances ?”

Clarke weakly shook her head. “One in five…”

Lexa kissed the blonde’s second eye then and asked “Did you do your best ?”

“Always.”

“Then you have nothing to feel guilty or responsible about. I already told you Clarke, you are no god.”

Clarke nodded slowly. She knew Lexa was right. She remembered what the parents had told her when she got out of the operation room with tears in her eyes.

“They thanked me you know ? The parents… They thanked me”

“Of course they did. You did all you could to save their daughter. You gave all you had for this girl and it’s already a big thing.” Lexa took Clarke in her arms again they stood like that for a few minutes until the pan overflowed. Lexa moved quickly to lower the heat and put the rice in the boiling water. Then she turned back to Clarke “Go take a shower. I’ll give you one of my pyjama.”

Clarke nodded with a small smile “Thanks.”

The blonde disappeared into the bathroom and Lexa wondered if things like that had already happened in the past. How many times Clarke had had to break like that and deal with it on her own these past years ? No. Not on her own. She had her friends and Lexa knew by experience that Raven and Octavia would do anything for Clarke. Still she felt guilty. Guilty for not being there when the blonde had needed her the most.

 

Twenty minutes later, Clarke got out of the bathroom in Lexa’s frog pyjamas.

“What the fuck is that thing ?” asked the blonde pointing to the two blue frogs on her chest.

Lexa shrugged “That’s what happens when frogs try to French kiss.”

The two poor animals were face to face, their tongues extended out of their mouths, glued together. Clarke rolled her eyes “Lexa, they obviously tried to eat the same insect.”

“If you say so. If you don’t like them I have other pyjamas. I have one with a pigeon playing banjo, one with an elephant juggling turtles and one with a big boar on a bicycle.”

Clarke shook her head “You like weird things.”

Green boring into blue Lexa stated “I do.” without an ounce of hesitation and Clarke blushed. “No wait ! These are in L.A… Too bad… Let me think.” Lexa faked reflexion then an ‘eureka’ kind of face. She dashed to her room. Clark heard a few noises and swearwords. When Lexa came back she was breathing heavily. Yep. She was definitely not a sportive. “Here !”

It took a moment for Clarke to realise that what was dangling in front of her eyes were keys. She frowned “What’s this ?”

“The keys to my apartment in L.A. You still don’t know where to live right ? I can lend it to you. I have two rooms so Octavia can take the guest room and you, mine. It’ll give you some time to find a place.”

“Lexa I can’t-“

“Hush ! Take those keys and say thank you.”

Clarke smiled and in a chuckle she agreed, grabbing the keys “Alright.” The blonde thought for a minute then asked “Can I ask you something else ?”

“Whatever you want.”

“You’ll go back to L.A. by car right ?”

“Yes.”

“Could you take Christa with you ? I was planning on taking her with me but I don’t want her to travel in the hold with other animals and bags.”

“Yes I can do that. You should take her here tomorrow so that she can get used to Ymir. I know my cat looks grumpy BUT she’s oddly friendly with smaller female cats… A friend gave me her cat one day. Ymir spent her time following the poor thing everywhere.” Lexa sighed “Everyone ended up saying she had a crush on this cat. And I said ‘Please, cats can’t have crushes, even *I* know that’ And my friends started saying ‘She’s just as gay as you !’” Clarke laughed openly and Lexa smiled widely “And then I had to let her at another friend’s place one time and it was the same. Oh and we noticed that, Lincoln and my landlord here put aside, she hates men. So yes. Maybe she’s gay.”

“Who knew cats could be lesbians.”

Lexa chuckled “Come on sit down. Time to have dinner.”

“Oh and what are we eating chef ?” the blonde asked, sitting at the table with a tired smile.

“Ratatouille !” Lexa answered proudly.

“As in the Disney movie ?”

Lexa frowned, offended “Um yes… Have you never eaten ratatouille before ?” Clarke shook her head and Lexa faced palm a little too dramatically “Good lord you missed something ! Hopefully I’m here to repair that !”

Clarke offered Lexa one of her more honest smiles and Lexa’s heart stopped in her chest “Hopefully you’re here.”

It took all Lexa had in her to stop staring at Clarke’s beautiful, tired but still beautiful face and finally fill their plates.

When Lexa lied down next to Clarke that night she made a few promises to herself. First that she would always be there if the blonde needs her. Second that she would do all she could to keep this sad smile out of Clarke’s face. And third, she’d make Clarke fall for her no matter how long it took.

When Clarke felt Lexa lie down next to her that night she made a few promises to herself. First she would never hesitate to run to Lexa when she needed it. Second that she would do everything she could not to put such a pained expression on the brunette’s face ever again. And third, Clarke would never let anybody have Lexa, the girl would be hers. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ? Not too disapointed ?   
> I think I'll use the song 'Rather be' again because first I love this song and second for some reasons for me it's the perfect song for a clexa AU. so yeah maybe 'Rather be' and clexa will meet again in this story.


	33. NOT AN UPDATE BUT I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU ALL

Hi everyone! I know it's been too long, I know you've missed this story, I know you want a new chapter aaaand... I'm sorry. I don't have a new chapter for you. As I already said before, I was stuck on this story so I took the decision to rewrite it entirely. I know you're sad, that you hoped for an update and all but... maybe you'll forgive me if I tell you that the first chapter of this fic's remix is out! Here :  http://archiveofourown.org/works/7531438/chapters/17122081

It will be the exact same story. I cut a few parts, I improved the style, fixed my mistakes but kept most of the dialogues. It will take me time to rewrite all the 34 chaps but I will eventually. I know I'm disappointing you but I could really not keep going with this story as it was. I don't know when I will update next, I don't know if I'll be able to keep a schedule because I have so many works in progress, works that I LOVE so... yeah I don't know. But I can promise you one think : I'll do my best.

Also, I'm not forgetting you, not this story, I never did and I never will. Thank you for your love and support guys, I lovr you all so so so so so sooooo much! Thanks for sticking with me all this time and see you soon I hope :3 <3


End file.
